'I want to be there and in a big way. So maybe I do Mani Ratnam for that'

No, the lead that you are talking of is 15 minutes on the whole anyway, apart from the song and the dances. No, not that. It's only a person like Ghai who makes a woman-oriented film like Pardes where the heroine has a lot of substance. N Chandra used to do that. I don't know what he is doing now. Anyway, I am not in the heroine bracket of 16 or 25. It has to be different for me. It calls for a role meant for women, not girls.

How do you plan to get such a role?

It's difficult. The thing is that if you are here for a long enough time, you are projected well enough. The role always goes to a person who has been projected well, and I want to be projected that way. Because it increases my potential of getting meaty roles. Good solid roles.

Why didn't you talk to Mani Ratnam?

No, I didn't talk to Mani. And then, it's entirely the director's prerogative in doing what he wants finally. It's not for the actors to fight about it. It's after all his vision of what a film should be. A film is always a director's film. And as an actor you are lucky whether you survive his vision or get chopped off in the process. So I don't think I would ever question the director at all.

What I am saying here about being projected more is precisely about ambition. I want to be there and in a big way. So maybe I do Mani Ratnam for that.

But then maybe I am more wary now and when Ghai asked me for the role I asked, excuse me, is this a role or am I in the background somewhere? You can't fight this, but then you could be alarmed about it. I mean tomorrow I might not do any big banner film. Or any film at all.

Then you can't be sure whether what you are doing is good for you or bad. I remember reading somewhere that Mr Bachchan telling a younger artiste, do it, because you are not going get this a second time. So just do it. I did it. But then, you can't put a good man down for long.

Nobody says why I did the role (in Dil Se). Everybody's asking why Mani Ratnam wasted me. I have a reputation of being someone with an immense amount of potential. If the director does not utilise it, that's his problem, not mine.

But isn't it a little laidback kind of attitude?

I feel destiny will work in my favour. I just take things that come my way without interfering or thinking what might become of my role eventually. If I think it is complete junk then I turn them down. There are a lot of things that I turn down. But the ones with potential I take and I play it by the ear.

How are you planning your career then?

No, I don't plan it at all. I think I'll become much more self-assured about walking into the biggest set-up, feeling at home and delivering the goods. There is a big difference between that and the girl from a small town and who dreamt of being this great actress. I wanted to be known as one always. Today, I want roles that will give me scope, and I'm no longer hung up about this great actress thing anymore. Because people know that I am one now. I just want to enjoy my work.

With that I mean is, I want to be paid for it, I want the glamour, the power, the position, I want the perks. I am not going to sell myself for some sort of idealism. I am not going to spread myself thin just to do a role. My idealism and my practical approach to being an actress in a city like Bombay film industry is balanced now.

Why this sudden change?

It's not sudden. It's happened over a long period of time. There is no bitterness, but sometimes I feel that why the films I have done so well and look so good in them, were not projected very well. The film-makers were good but they just let them hang. For some peculiar kind of... I don't know what.

Film-making is a business and I don't mean in a hardcore way. But the film is a product and you've got to sell it. What makes me angry is that these films weren't given any importance. They were just made, not sold properly. I wasn't sold properly. I feel that they could have made such an impact...

A film like Siddheshwari by Mani Kaul was a great showcase for me. It was the best film made, and people get back to me even now. People like Ketan Mehta or Pankaj Parasher, who are commercial film-makers. People have seen these films, you know. Invariably, when people talk about art films, it's Shyam Benegal. And these films are shown at festivals; that's it.

Somewhere it's harmed me as an actress. For instance I'm producing this serial on Doordarshan and once I make it I'll make sure that it's talked about. I'll let people know it has been made because there is so much hard work to be projected. You don't compromise and don't give up on what you believe in.

You are making a choice all the time. You aren't going ahead blindly. That's why you choose this script and not another one, that I want to work with this actor and this is how I want the character to be... It's serious business. I think at some level I felt I'm a product and that I have to package myself and sell. And make sure that I'm seen in a certain way.

So when I went to Ashok Salian and asked him to do my photo shoot, he told me that he didn't do people, only products. He doesn't like the personal relationships it creates. So I told him I was a product. This is me, high cheekbones, bony shoulders, nice collarbones... I have a good back. So I am a product.

He laughed. He has this great wonderful, warm laugh. So he told his assistant that he must see my back and so they got clothes for me and did my shoot. I am the first in three years he did this for.

Do you blame film-makers for not selling you then?

I don't blame the film-makers for not selling their films. But then, I'm starting all over again. I didn't work for two years. I think I'm the only actress in the younger bracket who does a few films and then doesn't do a film for two years and still doesn't get written off as an actress, doesn't get talked about as if her career is over. Anybody -- or most of the commercial actresses who don't work for two years -- are out. They do 200 films and then they turn 40 and they get a good role once in a while. I don't believe in this number game.

Sometimes Raveena is on top and then somebody else is the next week. I didn't work for almost three years because I didn't get a film. But I don't get written off. I'm still there, I'm still an actress, still somebody who's getting better and better. I think that must have something to do with the choices I made.

Nobody who is an actress can be here today and gone tomorrow. At 35, your career is over here, but I think, with me, there is no end to it. It isn't seen as my career is beginning here and getting over there. I'm here for a long, long time to come. Maybe till the day I die.

'If I were not acting I'd be locked up in some asylum'

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