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'I am not a rake'

Saif Ali Khan

Saif Ali Khan is one worried man. His professional and personal lives are in shambles. And he doesn't know what to do.

His career hit a rough patch somewhere and now seems to be heading nowhere. He needs a hit desperately -- and fast.

Meanwhile, media report suggest his family life was on shaky ground after wife Amrita Singh caught him "red-handed'' with a girl and stormed off to native Delhi along with daughter Sara. The Khan also moved out of their bungalow. The rift in the lute also prompted his wife to consider a comeback to films. But, later reports assured, all was forgiven and the family is back together, even though the patches show.

Since we weren't his marriage counsellors, he wasn't interested in discussing his marital problems with us and warned right at the onset that he would look unkindly on "any questions pertaining to my personal life''. Knowing his reputation, we agreed without a murmur.

Khan was more candid about his career, readily admitting things haven't been going too well recently. But, no matter, he's taken professional setbacks in his stride, philosophising that hits and flops are part of the game and one can't do much by fretting over them.

No, he's not willing to roll over and play possum. He knows that he can rise again, as he has done before. And the Khan know his next film, Hamesha, co-starring Kajol and Aditya Panscholi, will be his acid test.

Wife Amrita Singh

With Hamesha slated for release, are you getting butterflies in your stomach? Like other actors, do you too suffer from pre-release jitters?

Of course I do. It's just that one doesn't like to show it. This time though, I'm optimistic. Hamesha has turned out well and one hopes that it will turn my fortunes around.

I know that one can't do much about the ups and downs in this industry; one has to just go with the flow and hope things turn out well.

Today I'm working with people like Mahesh Bhatt and Kundan Shah. Their commitment to their work is infectious. Of course come Friday I'll be panicking again but right now it's great. The rest of my career, however short or long, has some good films and should stand me in good stead.

Professionally you've been having a difficult time. Your films haven't been doing well and your popularity is on the wane. How do you tackle these setbacks?

Saif Ali Khan and Kajol in Hamesha

Yeah, this season hasn't been so hot. Pretty bad actually. But it would be unfair to say that it is over for me. I still have some good projects on hand and even if one of them clicks... One does get affected by these things but I don't really beat myself up if a film doesn't do well. I know that a hit or a flop makes a world of difference in the film industry but can anyone guarantee a hit out here? All one can do is see to it that one chooses good projects and execute it to the best of their abilities. Beyond that... I've been seeing the rushes of my future films and I'm pretty happy with them.

So as long as I keep getting better it's okay. But I have a long way to go before I'm really satisfied with a film that I've done. The problem is that the number of chances you get out here are directly proportionate to the number of hits you give. But I'm fairly optimistic because the quality of films that I have in hand are much better than the ones I had last year. I made some wrong decisions in the past. Hits and flops are part of everybody's career. You should do your best and learn from them.

It's easy to rationalise but insecurity sees no reason.

A still from Hamesha

Well, to a certain extent I would say that this is true. But the insecurity is not so much that it eats you up. This is what it's about being in this line of work. Even if you're feeling down you have to get out of it. You should make sure it doesn't happen again. The film industry has got its frightening side but that's what I embrace. When I'm feeling really low, I pull myself together, get out and do my job. It gives me a sense of worth.

It must be frustrating...

That is exactly why one should drive himself to become better. It's dealing with the frustration that is a partial victory. It should not affect so much that it bogs you down. Y'see, earlier I wasn't so involved. I just let things happen without really trying out different ways to make it work. Now I'm trying to play each character on its merit, as opposed to playing different shades of myself. I'm enjoying making work more difficult, more taxing. It's far more fun than being laid-back. I don't think one can really afford to be laid-back in this industry. Even if one is successful one can't do it.

You give the impression of being one who is simply content to flow with the tide. Your professional comedown can be attributed to your casual attitude in life.

I don't think that's true. I'm as serious about my career as the next person. Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't care. But one can't get tense about any and everything. I do worry about my life a lot. I'm not treating it lightly. How can I? When the scare that it could all be over is always there. You can't really grasp what utter failure would be like till it happens to you. You don't want to think about it all.

However, I don't go overboard thinking about it. I'm a little more casual but that doesn't mean I'm not bothered. I feel the need to prove myself, I want people to take me seriously. There are professionals who have accomplished so much more than me... And to be the best is why we do what we do.

How does it feel when freshers come along and make a name for themselves while you are still languishing in the dark?

I would be lying if I say that it brightens up my day. But I'm not trying to beat or do better than anybody. I just want a really high standard of work for myself. I would someday really like the reputation of being a good actor. Today the industry treats you as an actor who's capable of delivering and I want to better that. If another actor gives a resounding hit I feel, 'Good for him'. It gives me hope that one day even I could have a film which would do as well. Y'see I can't benefit from anyone's failure and nobody can benefit from my success.