Like thousands of Kashmiris, 26-year-old Ashraf will never call himself an Indian
I realised there was something terribly wrong in Kashmir while in school. The National Conference government was very corrupt. People felt that politics would not get them anywhere. That's how it started.
The movement started underground. The first time we saw the shadow of the gun was in incidents across downtown Srinagar. Till then we had not even heard of the Kalashnikov. We didn't know what it was. In fact, there were a lot of speculations about how it looked. People said it could be folded so small that you could keep it in your pocket. That was how innocent Kashmiris were in the beginning.
Eighty per cent of the people then wholeheartedly supported the mujahideen (freedom fighters). The CRPF were around at that time. They were very brutal. They came to Kashmir as if they were invading Pakistan. They behaved like an army of occupation.
The army came later. They also started doing the same thing. They would stop everyone with a beard and say, 'Okay, we know you are a militant.' They would detain us for hours, abuse us... all the time, we would be hanging our heads and smiling (you had to smile, you see, or they would accuse you of being sullen) and trying to humour them.
Just imagine how you would feel if it happened to you day in and day out. That is when the thought of revenge occurs to you. That's why many youths became militants.
The crackdowns were very severe during the early 90s. I was beaten up many times. Now getting beaten up, abused and killed have become a part of our life. When there is a crackdown, we know what to do. We do it without thinking... If we get kicked or slapped, we just hang our heads, smile and say 'sorry, sir, okay sir' and keep moving. Nobody feels that there's anything wrong with that anymore.
We hate India. If I had some magical power, I would blow India out of existence. A Kashmiri will never feel he is an Indian. He will never accept India. Nor will he accept Pakistan. We want freedom. When we see the brutality of Indian forces, we cannot help feeling that way. I will tell you one incident.
An army officer stopped me for questioning one day. I think it was in 1993. "Oh, so you are from downtown? Okay, all people there are militants, so you are a militant."
I told him no, sir, I am not one.
"Okay, you may not be a militant, but you are a supporter."
I told him no. I still remember what that officer told me.
"Ham yaham par aaye hai militancy badane keliye; chupane keliye nahin. (We came here to boost militancy; not to fight it). Otherwise, we will have to leave Kashmir -- and where else do we have such women? Laal, laal tomator jaise ladkiyam aur kaham melenge?"
I think if I had a gun in my hand at that time I would have shot that officer. But I went on hanging my head and smiling and smiling...
By 1994 people were fed up with crackdowns and the accompanying harassment. That's why we have pinned our hopes on talks now. We feel talks are better than the gun. We feel nothing can be gained through violence.
But make no mistake, there is still wholehearted support for militancy. The difference now is that we support it very quietly. If earlier the people showed support by giving food, shelter etc to militants, now they do it by more covert methods -- for instance, providing valuable information.
You ask about human rights. There are no human rights in Kashmir. The security personnel have their way. They are the kings here. They are deployed for whose security? Ours. Then why are they terrorising the same people they are supposed to protect?
When you see your friend being killed unnecessarily you feel anger. You feel the need for revenge. We have got used to killings now. Every Kashmiri has suffered. We want a permanent solution. We want it fast. Maybe a war between Pakistan and India is the answer. If Pakistan captures Kashmir, they will talk to the Hurriyat leaders. That may help...
Interviewed by Chindu Sreedharan
'The took my son away' | Back
Ex-militants
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'Leave Kashmir alone'
The Lawmen
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'Losing a boy destroys you'
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