"We trust not because the other person is trust-worthy but because we are trusting by nature."
"Either you can live with your fear of rejection, and forever hold yourself back, or you can decide to come out of it.
"Just remember, nothing comes to those who hold themselves back."
In an online chat with readers on April 23, Rediff.com's Love Guru addressed relationship problems and offered solutions.
For those who missed the chat, here's the transcript:
Rohit Agrawal: Hii love guru...we were in relationship for last 3 years, and her parents decided her wedding with some other and in by mistake I wrote some abuse letter to her in laws and parents and now they know I wrote that letter and not she doesn't want to see my face, what to do?
Love Guru: Rohit Agrawal, admit you wrote it, apologise, and get the hell out of their lives.
What you have done may seem natural to you, but it is quite unpardonable.
Count yourself lucky if they don't invoke the law and have you booked for it.
Sapan Shah: hi, I am 28 bachelor and she is of 42 married with two kids, both chat so much with each other, expressed our heart feelings, but now as she is being married and so much mature avoiding me that much that she now even don't pick up my calls, not replying my messages.
Please tell me what to do? I dont want any sexual relationship with her but dont wanna to lose a friend.
Love Guru: Sapan Shah, it is possible that being married, she doesn't want even a shadow of scandal to fall on her, which would affect her adversely (you have nothing to lose, being single), so respect her decision, and move on. Find a friend elsewhere.
Anil: I caught my gf cheating on me. Will I ever be able to trust her?
Love Guru: Anil, we trust not because the other person is trust-worthy but because we are trusting by nature.
So, to answer your question, if you are trusting by nature you will continue to trust her, regardless of what she has done.
Sunderaam: Dear Love Guru, my girl friend nowadays started having friendship with too many guys, when confronted, she asks why I don't believe her? Moreover she shouts at me even on slight pretext, what to do????
Love Guru: Sunderaam, hard to say.
Friendship with guys is okay, everyone is entitled to them, so don't hold it against her. But from your query it seems like you are the possessive, jealous kind of boyfriend, are you?
If so that's what must be annoying her, making her shout at you.
Bahaar Fatima: hi love guru..I'm in a serious relationship with a guy and we both truly love each other but now a days he is ignoring me a lot.
He is saying its because he is very busy in his work but his changed attitude tells me that may be he dont love me anymore..please help me.
Love Guru: Bahaar Fatima, did it ever strike you that you should ask him straight out if he has lost interest in you?
The symptoms you describe suggest that it could be the case, but one wouldn't know unless one asked him.
Of course, to be fair, he could also be under professional strain, many men are unable to handle work and love together.
Dinesh: LG I am in a unique situation , I cant understand what to do, I love a girl and I shared my feelings to her, but when I proposed her, she was feeling shy and she did not answer anything, then again I met her the following day and I asked her whether she loves me or not, she does not say anything, she just smiles, what should I do?
Love Guru: Dinesh, I am no long-distance mind reader of women, but seems to me if she wanted to say yes she would have done it at once.
Possibly she doesn't want to hurt you, so she is not telling a forthright 'no' to you.
JP: Fell in love in school days. Did not initiated relationship further due to various reasons.
Now after 26 yrs we met again and feel the space for each other.
We are married and have grown up kids.
We both are keen to have love relationship and definitely not in terms of any sexual desires.
We chat everyday and express love u and miss u everyday. What shall be done?
Love Guru: JP, seems to me you two are already in a relationship, even if you don't seem to realise it, so what is it you expect me to tell you?
I hope whatever you are doing, is not casting a shadow on both your marriages? Or are you planning to let it go and start all over again?
Samarsingh: I am not satisfied from my wife. Pl suggest me love guru.
Love Guru: Samarsingh, is your wife satisfied with you?
Find out. If she isn't, then maybe it's time for both of you to part ways.
Dhanpal: loveguru, they say love is blind? but do not you think that a girls fall in love if the boy is rich, handsome, educated and handome while boy falls in love if the girl is beautiful.
how you can call this is love?
Love Guru: Dhanpal, don't blame me pal, did I say love is blind? It is not my invention or creation.
You are now expecting me to defend what you have heard or believe in? Take this up with whoever told you love is blind!
Jeetanshu Shah: I am 25 and she is 21. I just came out of a bad relationship and do not want to jump into another one soon. But I like her and am a little hesitant to tell her how I feel.
We have a lot of things in common and am confident we can hit it off. But the fear of rejection is stopping me to take it forward. Please advice. Thanks.
Love Guru: Jeetanshu Shah, either you can live with your fear of rejection, and forever hold yourself back, or you can decide to come out of it. Just remember, nothing comes to those who hold themselves back.
Cicilia Tamang: Hi LG...I have bin wit dis guy fo a while. N I have cum to like him so much. And he knows that too. But he said that he cant be in relation right now.
She is strstruggling fo his career n his family s he is d only son. But he is often there to help me when I need him.
What should I do to win his heart and I want to know him more on what he think about me. Please suggest.
Love Guru: Cicilia Tamang, sometimes persistence pays off in matters of the heart. So keep at it, let him know you are around, waiting for him,and who knows, some day soon he will realise what he needs to do
Nikhil: Hi love guru... I am married 4 years ago.. I have a kid (a girl) 4 months old.. But before marriage I had an affair.
We cant get married because of caste issues.. But we are in still love... And made for each other she is also married.
I want to know what to do.
Love Guru: Nikhil, what you are saying without saying so is if it is okay for both of you, now in different marriages, to have an extra-marital relationship, right?
Are you waiting for my permission to do? But beats me, the caste differences that prevented your marriage don't seem to come in the way now.
All I can say is both you and ex-girlfriend are on course to ruin your married life.
Ganesh Kadam: I am in relation with one girl since last 5 years, now she is going to marry with another guy and I am tensed. What I have to do?
Love Guru: Ganesh Kadam, it is only in films where the jilted lover lands up at the mandap and manages to convince the girl of his feelings.
Do not try it in real life. So she is marrying another guy.
I understand that it is an emotional blow, but look at it from her point of view.
Perhaps she did not see a future with you. Whatever, she has the right to choose her life partner, and you should respect it.
Sudaram: LG, does long distance relationship really work?
Love Guru: Sudaram, I know of long distance relationships that have worked, and of next-door relationships that have not.
Ultimately, it is not the physical distance but emotional distance that one should be wary of.
Jinny: LG, I was in a relation 1 year back , but my GF broke up with me, and now there is a girl that wants to marry me.
I know the girl , she stays in my neighbourhood, but due to some reasons I am afraid of getting into a relation , what should I do?
She has proposed me and I dont know what to reply, please help.
Love Guru: Jinny, you broke up a year ago and you are still unsure of getting into a relationship?
How much time do you plan to give yourself, before you feel you are able to resume normal life?
If you like this girl from your neighbourhood, what is stopping you from saying yes to her?
Sagar Mohapatra: Hi, sir.i'm in love. the girl I love, loves another guy. I knew it after proposing her. she likes me. but I want only her. now i'm a good friend of her. what should I do?
Love Guru: Sagar Mohapatra, contact a Bollywood script-writer and sell your story:)
But seriously, there's nothing much you can do.
One, you can downgrade her as a friend in your contact list and move on with life, find another girlfriend etc.
Or spend the rest of your life waiting, hoping, praying that somehow circumstances/situations conspire to change your status with her. What is the better option?
Romil: LG, I got married 8 months back, everything was going pretty good, but now a days my wife gets hyper for no reason, and due to this we get into argument and we have a verbal fight, what's the best way to avoid this unnecessary argument? please help
Love Guru: Romil, but why is she getting hyper, have you been able to find out?
Is there anything you are doing wrong that is making her hyper?
When she is not hyper, why don't you sit with her and find out what is causing it, if there's anything you can do change the situation?
Kunika: My boss asked me out on a date last week but he behaved normally in office the next day. Is it possible he sent me the message by mistake?
Love Guru: Kunika, hard to say. Depends on how you reacted to his invitation.
If you did not respond, he is not sure what to do next, given the new awareness of sexual harassment norms. But how do you plan to react to it?
Vijay: Sir, my wife nags a lot when I come home and refuses to listen to anyone.
I have lost interest in the relationship but she's not willing to talk to anyone about it. Just keeps complaining. What to do?
Love Guru: Vijay. usually women don't nag without a reason.
Are you sure you are an ideal husband who does not give any room for complaints?
Think about it. Maybe there are things you are doing wrong that she finds irritating -- it could be something as simple as leaving your wet town on the floor.
Nagging is usually a symptom, while the ailment could be some something else. Find out what's ailing her.
Shahin: My parents don't like my boyfriend because he doesn't belong to the same caste and he lives in rented accomodation.
They are worried my future is not bright with him. How do I convince my parents? Is it wrong to marry someone who is not well off?
Love Guru: Shahin, are you convinced about your boyfriend's future?
Think about it if you have long-term plans for the two of you.
Very often, we don't realise that our parents react the way they do because they have our best interests in mind.
So put yourself in their position and try to see what they are seeing, that will clarify matters for you too. Don't see your parents as your adversaries.
Vaishali: I'm in love with my brother's best friend but I am afraid he treats me like a sister. What should I do?
Love Guru: Vaishali, hard to say. Is your brother's best friend single? If not, stay away.
If he is single, maybe he is careful that his best friend doesn't get the wrong idea about him.
What you could is broach the subject, depending on your relationship with your brother, about him and find out more about him.
If your brother is ok about it, you could rope him in to help you.
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com
Also read
- 'My wife is in a relationship with someone'
- 'I am unable to understand her'
- 'I don't think my GF loves me any more'
- 'Is it advisable to tell my partner about my past?'
- 'I've suffered failure in love for the fifth time'
- 'I feel like marriage is my chance to escape poverty'
- 'I tried approaching her and she yelled at me'
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of Rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
(Due to circumstances beyond our control, date and time of chat may change)
