'We broke up but she still wants us to be friends'

"As romantic as it sounds, remarriage is not all a bed of roses, there are issues, there are baggages that come with it.

"Think through properly before you decide to jump in."

In a weekly chat with readers, Rediff.com's Love Guru offers relationship advice.

For those who missed the chat on January 15, here's the transcript:

arman: LG pl suggest, my marriage was an arrange and kind of force, i love someone else and she is different caste from mine, which is not acceptable to my family. I still have relationship with her, talking to her gives me happiness in my life. Does extra marital affair is a sin ?

Love Guru: Arman, if you are looking for judgement you have come to the wrong place, please visit the nearest priest, he can answer such a question

Mrinal Agarwalla: is it possible to have a crush with the same person twice or is it love?

Love Guru : Mrinal Agarwalla, if you have doubts if it is love, then it isn't.

nand chaudhary : HI LG,I am in good relation with a married women last 2 to 3 years , unfortunately now I don't know why she not picking up my phone and distract me without any reason.please advice what to do further as I do not want to leave her' and believe I really love her.

Love Guru: Nand Chaudhary, why she is not responding to you any more, I have no idea. But I can guess.

The most obvious is, she has realised the dangers of what she is doing, and has stopped. Or she has had a change of heart.

Either is possible. As someone in such a situation, there's very little you can do, to expect permanence in a relationship with a married person is idiotic. You better get over it soon.

res : Hi LG, we broke up but she still wants us to be friends and I don't. Pls let me know how to keep distance with her.

Love Guru: Res, I am sure someone cannot force you to keep in touch if you don't want to. Are you sure you don't want to keep in touch? If you really want it, it's very easy to do

Umesh Mishra: Recently my wife became close friend with one guy on Facebook and even they had relation. When I came to know, I counselled her and asked her to keep away from that guy.

Because of our family reputation and kids future, I did not take any drastic step. However it seems that she is still in contact with that guy through chats. please advise..

Love Guru: Umesh Mishra, you have been an unusual husband, most I come across in such a situation will have reacted very differently.

It was good of you to overlook her actions even they hurt you deeply, but now I don't know what to say. Because the factors you say held you back the first time -- family, kids -- exist even now. Maybe you should reconsider your decision, but you are the better judge

P-B: Sir, I got married some 12 years ago and have 2 children.

Four years back we came to India from Canada and after that my wife is giving me lots of problems.

She fought with my parents and returned all her gold to her parents. She started spreading rumours among my relatives that I tried to kill her.

She is not interested at all in living a normal life. Any ideas ?

Love Guru: P-B, unusual tale. What have you thought of doing? It is obvious she doesn't want to live with you, but what has driven her to that point, have you tried to find out?

My advice is, before you take any steps find out the reason for behaviour, see if it can be changed (which will mean changing yourself too). If things still don't improve, let's see what needs to be done

B SRIKANTH: I am having a a decent virtual friendship (thru chat, ph very frqly. NOT MET) with a girl for 6 yrs.

Suddenly last yr she said not to contact her since few of our chats were seen by her bro and became a big problem to her.

I respect her reqst i didn't SMS or cald her expt fw chat msgs wshng her for imp festivals and her b'day and did not get any reply. Advice how to make her come bk in my lyf as there is no connection.

Love Guru: B Srikanth, something tells me she doesn't want to come back into your life, and if you think carefully it will be obvious even to you.

Many a Romeo has been laid low by virtual, unseen relationships, I think you have added to the list. Get over it, and next time ensure that virtual and real both coincide, that way you will avoid similar disappointment

B SRIKANTH: BUT LG, she exchanged lot of her photos, we chatted with freedom, she was keen to meet me. but how come this sudden...? plz advice, I miss her lot

Love Guru: B Srikanth, one can only guess why she is not in touch any more. Maybe she got married and went away. Maybe she has changed her behaviour. If it affects you so deeply you can continue mourning her loss in your life, but I get the feeling it will be a waste of time

Nand Kishor: hello sir,mai jis ladki se pyar karta hu,wo shadi suda hai,lekin wo vahan khush nahi hai,wo hamse bhi pyar karti hai,mai usse shadi karna chahta hu,advise me plzzz

Love Guru: Nand Kishor, so this married girl told you she was unhappy and wants to marry you, or have you come to this conclusion by yourself? Assuming she wants to, too, my advice is, proceed slowly.

As romantic as it sounds, remarriage is not all a bed of roses, there are issues, there are baggages that come with it. Think through properly before you decide to jump in

PradeepKumar Nair: I just want to know that is it wrong to love & give attention to our mother, sister-in-law & sisters.

Love Guru: Pradeep Kumar Nair, a very bald question, Is there something else behind this question of yours?

Pradeep Singh: my sister is becoming so tough. destiny dont want her marriage where she were engaged. boy mother, his relatives and their rituals not understand children happiness in togetherness.

My family and I somehow managed our feelings and understand sister happiness but all fail. she dont want to marry someone else and meantime not behaving good with us. we are so bothered.

Love Guru: Pradeep Singh, sorry, but I am not able to understand what you are trying to say, please re-send more clearly

Nish: hello der, I loved a guy for 4 yrs n then we got married after some difficulties. he never gave me more time before marriage but after marriage also he doesn't. he wrk or not i have no idea,. but he lies to me so i cant believe him now. i dont understand wat should i do as he din take any responsibility of me after marriage. Plz tell me wat to do

Love Guru: Nish, what are the options before you? Seems like you have landed with a problem, and how to come out of it is complex.

It is very easy for an outsider to tell you what to do, but you know the reality. Before you consider anything serious, my advice is to try sorting out your woes through dialogue.

Arrive at a solution acceptable to both, and see how it goes, before doing anything else

Manoj Kumar Gupta: hey love guru, there was a girl in my life, from 4 years back and at the time promised that we'll be good friends for life time and be in touch but just before 2 months she disconnected all links now I really miss and feel that...

Love Guru: Manoj Kumar Gupta, so she has broken off all ties with you. I am sure she has the right reasons for doing so, even though she may not share the same with you.

Respect her decision, and let her be.

Umesh Mishra: Recently my wife became close friend with one guy on Facebook and even they had relation.

When I came to know, I counselled her and asked her to keep away from that guy. Because of our family reputation and kids future, I did not take any drastic step. However it seems that she is still in contact with that guy through chats. Please advise..

Love Guru: Umesh Mishra, you have been an unusual husband, most I come across in such a situation will have reacted very differently.

It was good of you to overlook her actions even they hurt you deeply, but now I don't know what to say. Because the factors you say held you back the first time -- family, kids -- exist even now.

Maybe you should reconsider your decision, but you are the better judge.

Reshma: My family contacted the guy I loved and askd him whether he is interstd to marry me and asked to give details of hs family. But he refused saying he is not interested. My parents are asking me to marry another guy by saying he's a cheat.

He wants me to wait for a year to get job and after he will contact my parents. MY parents are being weak n health.my parents and he should b happy.

Love Guru: Reshma, it's your life, your future, your call. You have two pulls on you, your boyfriend and your family, and there seems to be no middle ground between them.

It seems like your friend is not doing well currently in life, and naturally any parent will be worried about their girl marrying such a guy. But why did he tell them he was not interested in marrying you?

That was uncalled for!

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com

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