He's launched an attack on the advertising world

Doesn't it seem unlikely that if you happened to write a slanderous book on a particular industry, you could get a stalwart from the very same field to write you the foreword?

Well, 24-year-old Omkar Sane's Welcome To Advertising! Now Get Lost, in which he has virulently (and humourously) attacked the way the advertising industry functions, has an introduction by none other than the iconoclastic Gangadhar Menon. It also contains comments from the likes of Bharat Dabholkar and Cyrus Broacha, who introduce the author to those for whom he is a non-entity. 

In his book, Omkar takes a dig at anybody and everybody who matters in an advertising agency. Here is an excerpt which blows to bits the vanity of national creative directors:

The National Creative Director has a lot of perks -- a big cabin, a massive salary and a platoon of men and women wash his luxury car. But with the perks comes the making decisions -- which car does he want washed first, which kind of chair is good, will his salary become obvious if his cabin is bigger than the office? When he's not making such important decisions, he's travelling, but spends nothing out of his own pocket, all trips being 'Official'.

He is the guy who, at least in an ideal scenario, approves Campaigns and ideates, supervising the work of all offices of the Agency across the country; approving only the important Campaigns -- the ones that require him to travel across the globe qualifying as important -- and pushes others to work towards winning international and national awards for the Agency.

The motive to win awards is to feature in fancy lists such as 'The Nation's Most influential Creative People' drafted by journalists working for unpopular magazines. Featuring in such lists assures him:

1.Fame.
2.Money.
3.Do we still require the third?

A trainee working hard on a leaflet sees him only in two places -- in the loo and from the bus window at the signal where he spots the NCD sitting in his luxury car.

Typographer and cover designer: Jezreel Sarah Nathan

Excerpted from Welcome To Advertising! Now, get Lost (Rs 395) by Omkar Sane, with the permission of publishers Tranquebar.

Click here to buy What They don't Teach You about Marketing from rediff Books!

There are some basic criteria one must meet to be the National Creative Director:

1. A paunch that can be hidden if you suck in your breath hard enough for it to show on your cheeks.
2. A firm belief that the paunch doesn't exist.
3. Knowing names of books you've never read, movies you've never seen, ads you've never heard of and places you've never been to.
4. A perfected repertoire of profound expressions.
5. A big enough presentation that can go on till bladders explode.
6.The presentation should date back to, at least, the Indira Gandhi administration.

Above all, the most important attribute the NCD needs to possess is the 'The Art of Idea Conversation' -- one which can be mastered over time, after sitting though mind-numbing, kidney bashing, ass-torturing presentations.

Scene: The NCD's grand cabin. The Junior Art Director walks in, spending the first seven minutes gazing at all the framed awards, the Award Annuals (weighing thirty-four kilos each and a twenty-one-inch laptop).

NCD: (Turning around in his grand chair, he flashes a warm smile.) Yes?

Junior Art Director: Sir, I have a new idea for an Ad.

NCD: (Nodding approvingly) Go on...

Junior Creative: We shoot this big car in a posh location next to a nice-looking building against a picturesque background...

NCD: You mean a Mercedes, like the one I have, beside (thinking) a canal, the one I showed pictures of from my last trip abroad (clapping enthusiastically) transposed against an Edwardian building, the kind of hotel I stayed in on my last trip to London?

Junior Creative: (Amazed, in an ecstatic voice) Yes! Yes!

NCD: Go on.

Junior Creative: And you know a really... (Making a flower vase with his hands) in the balcony.

NCD: You mean a hot model, the kind we've used here (pointing to a frame on his wall which is a poster from Playboy that he got because his letter got published in it in the seventeenth century or when Mr Hefner was young whichever CAME earlier).

Junior Creative: And a dude...

NCD: (Cutting him off, pulling out a massive book turning pages) You mean someone like this?

Junior Creative: (In tears of joy) Yes, Sir!

NCD: So, let me just recap my idea for you. (Junior Creative looks puzzled)

NCD: There's a big Mercedes parked outside a stylish Edwardian villa with one of those Greek balconies with an iron railing alongside a beautiful canal with a brilliant sunset in the background and a really hot girl and a hot dude. It's a picturesque setting with a line something to the effect of 'Gets your Attention', right?

Junior Creative : But it was my idea, Sir.

NCD: (With an expectant nod) Who came up with the Mercedes?

Junior Creative: You.

NCD: And the villa? And the Greek balcony with the iron railing?

Junior Creative: You, Sir.

NCD: The woman, the hot dude?

Junior: (Gulps) You...

NCD: The Sunset? The canal? The location?

Junior Creative: You.

NCD: (Sitting back in his chair, smiling) Well...

Junior Creative walks out while the NCD makes calls to his photographer and travel agent for tickets to Venice for his latest idea.

The Junior Creative works till late at night as the NCD walks out, passes him, set to fly with his idea. Before he leaves, he calls the Creative Director to inform him about his plans, entrusting him with the upcoming Campaigns for the week.

All in a day's work in the life of the NCD.

Here's a test to see if you can some day become the NCD of a big Agency.

1.You are walking by your junior's desk and see some good Ads lying scattered over it. You:
a. Continue walking.
b. Congratulate the kid on his good work.
c. Wait for the kid to go to the loo and sneak away with the prints.

2.A junior questions your idea at a meeting. You:
a. Continue talking like you didn't hear a thing.
b. Hear his argument out, congratulating him for his insight at the end of it.
c. Sack him.

3. You are writing a script. It opens on:
a. Your cabin; why go anywhere when you can do it here?
b. A beach in Goa
c. A place represented by a small dot on the world map, still inhabited by Stone Age tribes.

4. Your cabin needs some renovation. You:
a. Adjust yourself to sit somewhere else in the office.
b. Work out of home till the cabin is ready for occupancy.
c. Go on an official trip to an exotic location.

5. Your Agency doesn't win any award for a year. You:
a. Inspire everyone to work harder.
b. Hire more Creative people.
c. Make sure you are on the jury of the next award show.

If you've answered all 'C', you have the makings of an NCD.