Photographs: Uttam Ghosh
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on December 17 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey, everyone! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started with your relationship queries.
jji asked, MY GIRL FRIEND AND MYSELF LOVING EACH OTHER. MY PARENTS NOT ACCEPTING MY LOVE. HER PARENTS SEND ROWDIES FOR WARN ME. JUST FEW DAYS BACK I DISCHARGED FROM HOSPITAL. HOW TO SAVE MY LOVE.
Love Guru answers, The first thing you need to do is register a complaint against her parents with the police. Not approving of your relationship is one thing, they cannot physically harm you. If your girlfriend is willing to marry you in spite of their objections and you both are of legal marriageable age, you can go ahead whether they like it or not. And make sure to at least warn them about pressing charges, so that they rethink their strong arm tactics. And why are they so against you? Do they have a valid reason? You haven't explained that.
akhiesh asked, akhilesh asked-hi, lg my girlfriend is flerting with other boy frequently,if one of the boy proose her, will she accept his proposal or later can she ceat on me. thanks
Love Guru answers, I don't know what your definition of 'flirting' is, but if she has male friends and you're just insecure, it's your fault, not hers. If, on the other hand, she sends them signals that she is interested in them or is attracted to them, then that qualifies as flirting. In which case, you need to explain to her that you're uncomfortable with the way she behaves and she should curb it for your peace of mind. She shouldn't be in a relationship with you if you're serious about it and she's not.
ranganath asked, Hii... im loving 1 girl,, she also know about that.. since she is not our caste,, she is not ready to commit for my love what shall i do.. she is also interested... how do i approach her
Love Guru answers, Look, if it was her parents or family that were the concern, it would be one thing. But in this case she herself is concerned about the caste difference -- so there's not much you can do about it. You can convince her of your intentions and try to get her to see it from your point of view -- intercaste marriages are not such a big deal anymore, they're a common occurence. And if that doesn't convince her, are you willing to consider conversion, if it is a possible option? But make such a decision rationally, after giving it much thought. If both these choices don't work, I think you should give up on the idea gracefully.
vishal1825 asked, Hi love guru My prob is that the girl i love going with other guy but is not accepting it. She is still with me but i cant live like this pls healp
Love Guru answers, If she's with another guy, why is she denying it? And if she is denying it, how are you so sure that she is? First make sure you know the facts firsthand. If it's your own insecurity talking, there's no way for her to convince you otherwise. If you know 100 percent that she is seeing the other guy on the sly, ask her to make a choice instead of continuing to share her affection with someone else.
mmm asked, I am going to married on Jan, still now i haven't talk with the girl, how can i start talking with her. suggest..
Love Guru answers, Well, you're running out of time! Take her phone number and call her already! Ask her out for coffee, or dinner, or a movie. You're marrying her, for heaven's sake! How difficult is it to pick up the phone?
Shankar asked, hi, me and my girl friend loved 4 years, but due to some family problems we seperated. Still we are calling a weekly or 10 days once. Tell me i can continue this or stop communicating 100%
Love Guru answers, First, you both need to be clear on whether you want to revive your old relationship or not. Hanging in between won't work. If you've both decided to end the relationship, and you feel that staying in touch is holding you back from moving on, end the contact. If both of you have moved on -- I stress both -- and don't have any feelings left for each other, to remain friends and stay in touch like you're doing is alright. But don't delude yourself into thinking you don't have feelings for each other and then continuing to talk, as it will complicate both your lives. That's just another way of hanging on to the past -- which you need to move on from, if the relationship has no future.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'He beat me because of what I wore'
udayjoshi85 asked, Hi My GF scaring abt her parents decision abt our marriage....how can i convience her. She is affraid to convience her parents.
Love Guru answers, Why don't you and your parents talk to her parents if she doesn't have the guts to do it? Maybe that will take some of the pressure off her.
lata asked, hi i m married past 5yrs and hve got a baby 1.5 yrs old once in the family function i was not dressed properly simple dress so my momin law complained about me to my husband and my husband was damn angry and he started beating me i dnt feel like having sx with him plz help my marriage is in trouble.my mom in law always behaves in wrng way
Love Guru answers, Lata, I think your priorities are in a bit of a muddle here. Granted, your ma-in-law complained about a stupid issue, but the focus here should not be on what she did. The fact is that your husband beat you over this trivial issue. And he was fine with what you wore until she complained. So not only does he not use his own common sense, he is guilty of needless violence. And if you take it the way you're taking it now, he will repeat it. You need to take a stand here, even walk out on him if necessary. Or your mother-in-law will keep complaining to him and he will keep beating you. That is an abusive relationship. Stop thinking of how to make your mother-in-law change, because she won't -- but your husband should be forced to change when it comes to you, or you will continue to be abused in the same manner by him. I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with him -- I'm amazed you even want remain married to him after what happened.
BCDE asked, My wife is screwing around with few men she knew before our marriage. All this was hush hush affair. I started to know about this from few of my friends who grew suspicious of her behaviour. I at first dint believe them but i became doubtful. With evidence i have i am convinced that she is not faithful. But i dont have direct evidence to prove anything. On asking her she readily starts filmy dialogues. What to do pls help
Love Guru answers, You say you have evidence on one hand and on the other, you say you have no direct evidence. So first you need to establish beyond a doubt that she is messing around. You need to catch her at it. Asking her is not going to get you anywhere and there could also be a small chance that while your friends are well-meaning, they may be mistaken. I know it is said that where there's smoke there's bound to be a fire, but also take into consideration that a person is innocent until proven guilty.
tks_bhagat asked, i am 21 my girl friend is 18 . can i go ahead for sex with her
Love Guru answers, If both of you are absolutely willing, comfortable with each other and ready for it. Clear all doubts before you take such a step. And please be careful -- use protection.
adam asked, hi, i had this really hot girl at work, who i really liked..i went to her one day and told her that i want to be her friend.she said that she had wor and had to go.. while leaving i asked her for her cell#... she just gave an arrogant smile and tht was it....i feel really bad...pls advice..i canot forget her...she has left the job.
Love Guru answers, Adam, she was not interested. And I think it was a bit too early to ask for her phone number. The very fact that you asked to be friends and she said she was leaving, should have given you the hint that she was trying to avoid you. And on top of that you asked for her number -- I'm not suprised she didn't give it to you. And here's some advice -- don't ever go up to a girl you don't know and ask to be her friend. It's cheesy and 99 percent of the time you will be shot down. Start with just a smile or a 'hi' a few times, then a few lines of conversation once or twice. Then let an introduction follow. You have to take it very slowly. Now this girl is gone, and she wasn't interested in you, so just get over it. You didn't even know her, you just found her physically attractive.
Darpan asked, i m in total mess, me and my fiance r gettin married but she has become pregnant with my own baby in this span what shud i do
Love Guru answers, Well, you're already betrothed to be married, so there's always the option of getting married right away, before you have the baby. Unless you don't want a child right now, in which case you have to consult a doctor to discuss your options. But discuss the matter thoroughly with your fiance first -- you both have to make the decision together. It's not a small issue.
'Parents are forcing me to settle down even though I want to pursue my career further'
rohan asked, hi love guru, am engaged with a girls form 6months. in this six months we had many disputes and today the situation is that she behaving me as if she is not at all intrested in me,plzzzz tell me what to do.
Love Guru answers, Why are you engaged to be married if you're disagreeing on so many issues? Either you both learn to compromise or then rethink your marriage. Else it'll be a worse situation when you're living under the same roof.
loveme asked, Love guru the girl i love is in love with my friend and both of them are good friends of mine what should i do leve the fgriendship or love
Love Guru answers, Does your friend love her too? If they love each other, I think you should forget the idea -- they are happy with each other and you'll complicate your relations with both, risking damage to them. If, on the other hand, he's not interested in her, maybe you can convey how you feel to her. Then it's her decision to make. Once she realises your friend is not interested, she may come around.
nandu asked, hi loveguru.... MY problem is I have still not achieved what I want in my carrier but my parents want me to get married as I have a decent job. My age is 27 and they think that its is already too late and I should get married within 1 year... but I want to do MBA. Please suggest what should I do
Love Guru answers, Put your foot down. Explain that this is not the 1800s, when getting married at 30 was unheard of. Pursue your studies if that is what you want to do. Don't cave to pressure, as that usually culminates in dissatisfaction -- which will then reflect in your marriage.
PagalAadmee asked, @LoveGuru, I have a girlfreind, she loves me very much, I too love and want to do intercast marriage.but problem is her father is a politician and very strict.he doesnt know about us till yet.My GF said he will never accept intercast marriage.You know how politicians are they can do anything.I am really scared , please suggest something.I love her so much cant live without her.
Love Guru answers, Why doesn't she speak to him? Politician or not, he's her father first. And as a father, he should be willing to look at what makes his daughter happy. As a politician, he also has a reputation to maintain, so if he's sensible, whether he approves or not, he will not want a scandal involving his name. Try to do it the right way, if that doesn't work, is she willing to go against her father and family?
jyo asked, hi, my gf always ignore me . for her work is imp. family everyone .she is a hindu nd me a christian so whn she told her mother she said NO for marriage . thus now she told me to stop talkin with her and started to IGNORE FURTHER .. somewhere i thnk she had done tp as thz was long distance relationship .. im devastated nd really not knw wad to do ? one thing she never told me abt her home address her mamma name or home landline number s. nothing she ever told me. also she used to talk wth me jab uska maan karta tha . wad shld i do ?
Love Guru answers, You call her a girlfriend, but it doesn't look like you know this girl well enough to do that. You obviously don't meet her often, don't know where she lives and don't even have her phone number! Don't pursue it -- it's not worth it and she's not even interested. Whether she was doing 'tp', as you put it, or not, is irrelevant now. What is important is that you don't continue to live on false hopes.
soul asked, my husband cheated on me ,marraige on rocks,will the situation improve.what to do ,to have a normal life
Love Guru answers, If you think you can forgive him in the long run, try to make it work. Start afresh. I would also recommend visiting a marriage counsellor to amend things. If you don't want to remain married any longer, divorce is your other option. Also, you may want to consider a trial separation to evaluate your relationship and whether you want to continue with it or not.
'I know she's having an affair, should I tell her husband?'
npi asked, I am in love with a house wife having all type of relation since last 20 years and we cant live w/o each other but my wife even dont want to listen her name having misunderstanding that her femily has destroyed our life which is at all not true,Never any body has seen us in wrong relation and except my wife every body is having all round respect for me even her total femily members respect me like anything and no activity is being done w/o my consult. I have stopped going there but internally hurting myself daily ,She is saying if Yr.family dont want than leave my name which I can!t. Pl.advice How Ican adjust. NPI
Love Guru answers, Are you for real, mister? You're telling me that you love another woman and blaming your wife for not understanding! You may think nothing is wrong with that, but obviously your wife doesn't want to share you! Why are you married if you want a relationship with the other woman? This is one of the most ridiculous questions I've ever had to answer -- either you remain a committed husband or then get divorced! I fully side with your wife on this one -- you're one selfish man, with a very warped way of thinking!
aps asked, Hi LG, I and my gf loves a lot to each other, but one old frnd of my gf also love her, she know that, but she is not interested in her as love, but dont want to leave him as a frnd as they use to be very good frnd, whenever she talks wid me, and he came to knw ths, he start fighting with her, my gf tells me everythng, i have full faith in her, but problem is tht, she wants to be wid him as a frnd, i dont have any problem in tht, but whn he fight wid her, my gf use to start crying, he emotionally blackmails her, but ths my gf used to be in very tension, plz help me wht to do?
Love Guru answers, To remain friends is one thing, but she should make it clear to him that either he behaves like a normal friend, or then cuts off all contact with her. He's trying to gain the upper hand because she cares for him as a friend. She shouldn't let him do that. At the next sign of emotional blackmail or a one-sided fight, she should cut off contact. Let him come back and apologise and she should ensure that if this behaviour of his is a pattern, she should cut off ties with him. No friend who hurts you like this is worth it, however close.
vaishali asked, I'm aware that one of my very close friend is fooling her husband and going with the other guy and relationship with that person is as good as husband wife relation. What am I suppose to do? Should I counsel her or make her husband aware of this relationship?
Love Guru answers, Don't interfere in the matter. At the most, as her close friend, you can tell her you know about her affair and explain to her that what she is doing is deceptive and wrong. She is betraying her husband and sooner or later, it's bound to come out. But I would not suggest telling her husband at all. Don't get involved in what is a household matter, at the end of the day.
ss asked, I am hindu and my gf is protestant, we are in love for almost 5 years, In both of houses there was opposition for it. Just before 6months, I came to know that she had bf before me, both of them recently met and she said she is no longer interested in me and wants to get married to him. I felt very bad, but now I have come out of it. Again now she has come to me and insisting to get married to me.she says she loves me deeply, then any other person in the world. I am in total confusion, pls help.
Love Guru answers, She seems fickle-minded. She had you, she wanted him, she got him, now she wants you again. It looks like she always wants what she can't have. And I suspect that the more you reject her, the more she'll want you. Do you want to take her back after everything that happened? If not, bid her goodye and don't cave to pressure. Ultimately, she'll get the message. If you want her back, you still need to make sure that she is serious this time and has made up her mind once and for all. Or again in six months she may say she wants her ex back. And may I remind you, in all her decisions it is you and the other guy who have to bear the brunt of it, not her.
lotli asked, Hi .. i am 35 yrs old. I am just through with divorce. I dont know how to proceed with life.My past experience is haunting me. Now i am even getting afraid of the word marriage.how do i get over it?
Love Guru answers, Don't think of marriage right away. No wonder it's spooking you. First get your life on track, once you're in a serious relationship, you will start opening up to the idea automatically if you're happy. Don't rush into anything.
Love Guru says, That's all for today, folks! See you next week, same time, same place! Till then, take care and all the best!
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