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'I'm embarrassed by my girfriend's looks'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on November 19 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, folks...welcome back to the Love Guru chat. Let's get started answering questions.
rsh asked, I am seeing a girl. Though she is not that beautiful, still I like her company, but feel shame to show her to my friends or family. But I do want to marry her. How can I overcome this?
Love Guru answers,It's a pity you're so shallow that you're ashamed of her looks. You're supposed to be proud to show off the one you love, not ashamed. And doesn't inner beauty count for anything? The fact that she will keep you happy for the rest of your life? It is your problem, not hers, that you feel this way. The only way to overcome it is to make your mind up to. And don't let anyone say anything about her appearance. Shut them up right away.
Ashutosh asked, Hi Love Guru, My G.f doesnot wants to carry futher our relationship with me. Why?
Love Guru answers, How can I answer you why? You haven't told me the circumstances under which you've broken up. If she's called it off without you knowing why, there could be a number of reasons -- she's not interested anymore, she's bored, she's out of love, she wants to focus on her career, she doesn't think you're compatible, she's just annoyed for some reason and wants to teach you a lesson, she wants more attention from you, she's found someone else...It could be anything under the sun. So why not ask her?
Santosh asked, HI, I broke up with my gf and now shes is even married but am unable to come over it, even she wants to get back to me, I know it is not right, what should i do??
Love Guru answers, Well, Santosh, if both of you were so desperately in love, she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Since she is already, the only honourable thing to do for her is to divorce her husband and get together with you. Don't even think of having an affair on the side, because I have a feeling that is what she will suggest -- if she didn't have the guts to say no to her marriage to someone else, she won't have the guts to walk out of it. But that is the only way to be together if you want a happy future together. If you have an affair, it will either come out in the open at some point and cause shame to her and you, or it will fizzle out after some time. And you don't want to find yourself single again 5 years down the line again, do you? So either you get together the right way or not at all.
ranjeetkrca asked, i am 29 she is 18.... should i propose her?
Love Guru answers, She's a little young for you -- you're at an age to settle down and even become a dad, but she's still a teenager, not yet a mature adult herself. So it's your call whether to propose or not.
dona asked, hi...i am in love wid a boy who is a muslim,n i am a hindu.....in fact it has been 4 long yrs of togetherness.....we love each other a lot n want to marry too in future....but i really dont know how to persuade my parents......his parents hav no problems.....and we dont want to marry secretly...wat 2 do???plzzz help....
Love Guru answers, If you have tried everything to convince them of it and they still say no, you have no option but to marry without their consent -- that's not in secret but in open defiance of their wishes. If you have a family member who has married out of the community, it may be a good idea to have him/ her speak to your parents on your behalf and get them to see sense.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'I was drunk and got intimate with his brother'
vipul asked, hi lg, i love a girl, n i have told her also, its been more then 2 years, but still she says we are friends. but i cant live without her. i dont know what is in her mind?
Love Guru answers, Vipul, what is in her mind is that you are a friend. And nothing more. You have to respect her wishes and back off. And there is nothing like 'can't live without' anybody. Nobody is indispensable. Get you act together and move on in life!
mona asked, My BF had several GFs before in past. He says he has left everything. I love him madly but am very suspicious of him. I am not able to trust him.
Love Guru answers, So what even if he did have a lot of girlfriends? You were nowhere in the picture then, were you? So what reason do you have for mistrusting him, if he has never betrayed your trust? Don't be overpossessive and suspicious as it will only cause fights and make you both unhappy. And it will be your fault -- because he has done nothing wrong to be judged by you. You're judging his past -- a time in his life when he didn't even know you.
DK asked, My wife & me were together for 27 yrs. Relationship was never compatible. Our Lone Kid is also married now. We're living separately for last 10 yrs. I've Filed for divorce for last 7 yrs, but she is not agreeing at any cost. I want to re-marry. What to do?
Love Guru answers, You need a better lawyer -- and you need to petition the court that you've been living separately for 10 years but that she is refusing to divorce you. Consult a well-known divorce lawyer and address the issue correctly. I'm sure you'll be granted a divorce.
nilay asked, hi help me wid dis issue i have a girl friend she is very demandind and dominationg,she is not on good terms wid few people wid whom i gel vey well she tells to cut all my ties wid those friends.i have to make a choice between dis two whats ur say
Love Guru answers, I say make a choice -- your friends. If she's demanding, dominating and cannot get along with those you love for your sake if for nothing else, then what is the point of pursuing things with her? Else you'll find yourself married 10 years down the line without any friends and bullied by your wife.
Maina asked, Hello LG. First thanks for this great service. A friend told me about this. I have a problem - i am 24 years girl in a relationship with a 25 year old nice boy. We have been going around for 1.5 years and recently got intimate. It was nice and first for both of us. Recently we were at a party with a bunch of friends including his 2 brothers. We all had a good time and all crashed together in my friends house. In the middle of the night my bf woke me up and we made love in the dark which was very exciting and different. But it was his older brother and I almost fainted in shock! I blame myself for drinking that night - the worst part is from the next day, the brother has been stalking me and has forced me to have sex with him by threatning to tell his brother that I seduced him. I feel horriblly guilty because the sex is fantastic even though it is blackmail. I think I should breakup right now with my bf so that i can live with myself. can you advise?
Love Guru answers, Look, the first time, you were drunk and found out a little too late that it was his brother. But I don't think he had to 'force' you to have sex with him again even though you say so. You could easily have said no -- as if your boyfriend would have excused him from his role in everything just by his saying you seduced him! Why couldn't he have said no to you? That is the question your boyfriend would ask him. And you admit that you enjoy sex with his brother. That is probably because he is more experienced; your boyfriend only just had his first experience with you. Even if you break up with him, the sex with his brother is going to continue -- am I right? Look, Maina, the guilt will not go away if you break up without telling him the truth. And if you keep sleeping with his brother, sooner or later he will find out. So tell him about what happened at the party and after. You don't need to tell him you enjoyed the sex -- keep that to yourself. But speak the truth. Because the way I see it, there's no other way out of this. I think he will break up with you. And I don't blame him. But tell him what you told me. If you don't and just break up quietly, at some time in his life his brother may very likely spill the beans -- and at that point, you won't be able to justify anything. He will hate you for it. At least here he will know you're being honest.
'I become too clingy when in a relationship'
sk asked, can clinical depression be cured 100 poercent...i have constant pain in my mind bcos of thoughts and im an emitonal person...being a gay i cant get my sexual outburst so i feel depressed..im married to a woman
Love Guru answers, You need to see a therapist. Being trapped in an unhappy marriage and suppressing your true self is causing your depression. I'm sure it can be cured, just do what you need to do and stay strong.
smart asked, hi, i'm in love wid a girl who was even loving me more than me, but the problem was i didn't express myself for three years due to which she got upset and change her mind and now she don't want to marry me. i cant' live without her. her parents are also awar of this relationsip and were ready now even they've changed their mind. what should i do to get her back in my life. she even love me today but says the feeling has gone from her end of getting married to me please help me
Love Guru answers, You've been quite a fool to not say a word for three long years. Now you need to make up for all that time -- and quick. Shower her with attention, send her flowers, apologise as many times as it takes. Go speak to her parents, acknowledge your mistake and promise to make up for it. You will have to do everything it takes to win her back -- that's the only way to go. All the best!
raj14 asked, Hello guruji,i have a gf with whom i am in a LTR.she says she cant marry me because of family problems.and we know each other for 6 months.tell me should i continue with her. she says she loves me a lot
Love Guru answers, How can you define it as a longterm relationship (LTR) if you've only known her 6 months? And is she saying she can't marry you right now, or is she saying she can never marry you? If it's the former, wait it out for a little while. If it's the latter, please forget about it! No sense wasting time on a relationship that has no future!
Rumi asked, I had a long relationship and broken off now. I also had a disturbed childhood. Now when I become close to a person, I become too cling and needy initially. What do i do to have a healthy relationship? I cannot trust anyone.
Love Guru answers, You already know you have a problem. Now, if you have enough self-control to reign in your urges in the beginning of a relationship to cling to a partner, good going. If you don't, and since you had a disturbed childhood, maybe you should see a therapist to work on your issues.
keen asked, hi LG, i am 26 yrs old, i have affairs with one girl who is 5 years younger to me, we have the relation for last 6 years, now a days she doesn,t want to go outing with me, even also 1 or 2 times in 15 days. I don't understand what the problem is, so many times i want to discuss this issue with her, but she says do not worry. Even also she doesn't want me also to go outing alone. i don't understand why she is doing like this. Please advice, as i love her very much and we are getting married in next year.
Love Guru answers, Her not wanting to go out is one thing. But that doesn't mean she stops you from going too. Tell her that if she doesn't want to step out, you will continue to do so. That is a kind of compromise -- you do as you please, but don't force your wishes on the other person.
'They're separated but his wife refuses to divorce him'
shahzad asked, iam married,i love both my mother & wife equally but they dont understand each other daily pitty quarrels happen iam unable to do something.iam very much confused tell me what to do
Love Guru answers, Move out. It's as simple as that. Don't go too far, so that you can still look after your mother. But if this continues your wife will end up taking it out on you and your marriage will suffer.
himanshu asked, Hi, My girlfriend broke our more than 2 year old relationship 3 months back because she was feeling that she loved me. Then we had some very intense discussions & quarrels as I kept on calling her & she kept on talking to me. Then after 2-3 weeks we again got together as friends. From then on our relationship began growing again & now we are together again. But she started coming close to me this time because she wasn't able to see what I was going thru after the break up. But now I fear that may be she wont be able to love me that much again. I dont wanna lose her. She is my confidence in myself & I cant live without her. Please guide me.
Love Guru answers, Himanshu, all couples go through a rough patch at some point. If you're together again, just leave things alone for now -- don't rock the boat. Just enjoy catching up with each other and address the problem slowly as the relationship goes along.
dicky asked, hello lg i am in a relation with a girl from past 9 months. and in last 9 months we had physical sex almost every weekend. i never want to marry her and still dont want to marry her. She says that she want to marry me but i dont feel that she wants to marry me because every time we meet she is the one who forces me to bed and i force her for a movie or a outing. so does she love me or just satisfying her sexual urge
Love Guru answers, Hmmm. You say you don't want to marry her. So why are you bothered with whether she is only satisfying her urges or loves you? She could just as easily say you don't want to marry her and that you're satisfying your urges! So instead of playing cat and mouse, talk to her and tell her you enjoy sex, but also enjoy going out on dates. And if you think this relationship has no future, rethink it.
Momo asked, Hi LG... Me and my BF have been together for 10 yrs.. He is married and they are staying separate for almost 3 yrs. She hates him, always did.. But she is not divorcing coz she wants to teach him a lesson.. we r frustated and want to marry but cant due to legal issues. We both love each other and stand for each other whenever needed. Consulted lawyer's, but didnt get suitable solutions yet. He tried talking sense to her, her shez adamant. What to do.. tempted to change religion but know that its not the solution..... please suggest
Love Guru answers, Look, there has to be a legal solution to your problem. If you've consulted lawyers, then you haven't consulted the right one yet. Shell out a little more money and consult a well-known divorce lawyer. And I don't think you can convert and marry again -- if another marriage is your sole intention, I don't think that the law allows for it, but I could be mistaken. Look it up.
Love Guru says, Time up, people... See you next Thursday at 2. Till then, good luck!