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A few things no one tells you about marriage

Times have changed, value systems have changed, the concept of and expectations from a marriage have changed.

Now we are not saying there is absolute degeneration and lack of faith in the institution of marriage, but there are a few little (or sometimes large) changes that have come about. You might argue that these always existed and you might be right, but there is no reason why these little truths should take you by surprise on or right after your big day.

Your wedding day is not your wedding day
It belongs to everyone else. Ananya Suresh (27), a software professional in Cochin who tied the knot recently, says, "The minute you accept the fact that it is not your wedding but for everyone else, you will be perfectly fine. If your sister-in-law wants you to wear green eye shadow, you just say yes and be done with it."

Your wedding is a day for all your relatives and friends to come together, have a good time and also to act important. You just have to let them have their share of the limelight even if it means you yourself are not really getting as much attention as you'd like.

Your soulmate might not always be your spouse

So you love your spouse, you care for him/ her deeply but somewhere, sometimes there is this nagging feeling that comes along saying: 'Is this person really my soulmate?'

While there are no seemingly obvious problems in the marriage, there is a certain emptiness for which you just cannot attribute a reason, and it's blasphemous to say it out loud to anyone, so you just choose to live with it, accepting it as the way it is destined to be, and after all your spouse is a very nice person.

Nitin Sharma, a 30-year-old financial consultant in Mumbai, married to Heera, 29, a housewife, feels that he can never forget his first girlfriend and that he still feels that she is his soulmate. He says he loves his wife and that he is well aware that he should just forget his first girlfriend.

"Memories of her are locked away in a part of my mind, and they pop up now and then. I just look at those memories as a pleasant dream and carry on with life."

It is important to be able to fall in love again and again...

...with the same person. The person you married does not remain the same and neither do you. You will both change, you will both evolve, you will both develop certain idiosyncrasies and habits and wonder who this person is that you come back to every night.

Adarsh Nikunj, 28, a media professional in Gurgaon says that he has been married for four years now and has had to overcome many obstacles in his married life. "There have been very bad phases where we were contemplating a split, but somehow I end up thinking of the marriage vows and of what a lovely person Sheetal actually is. I fell in love with Sheetal as a student, as a girlfriend, as a wife and as the mother of our child."

Where is my identity?

You start moulding yourself to the lifestyle, likes and dislikes of your partner. You take on behavioural characteristics of your other half and somewhere down the line start wondering: is this me or us? Am I still the same person I was before the marriage?

Neetha Ramnath, a 27-year-old artist from Chennai, has been married for five years. She says, "If it were upto me, I would not have changed my surname. I am very protective about my independence and space. Now there are times when I do things only because my husband does them. I do it because it has become a habit, but I know it is not me. I sometimes have to attend very high-end parties, that I totally hate, but I do it for him, and I hate every moment of it. This is just one little example."

While compromise is necessary, you need to be able to draw the line on how much is too much.

 

Convenient lies and cover-ups

After a point, one realises that it is easier to let some things slide. You might know there are things that you are not included in or informed of, yet you ignore it since it is better to not rock the boat.

Priyank Joshi, 32, working in a research firm in Mumbai, says he knows at least five couples where one of the spouses is cheating on the other. "Unfortunately they confide in me. There is this person who leaves every morning saying he needs to catch the best morning lights for his photography hobby, but his wife is well aware that he is going to meet the 'other woman'." The wife chooses not to confront him as she says he provides her and the kids the best possible life he could, and he takes care of them very well.

It's all about power equations

Marriage like any other relationship finally boils down to the power equation between the two people involved. Someone always has the upper hand. If the power equation is too unbalanced, problems crop up. Without realising it, we are all involved in this tussle for maintaining the equilibrium.

Lokesh Nath, 29, a Delhi-based event management executive, talks about how he has been accepting so many mistakes his wife has made for so long, that she now takes him for granted. Now when he tries to change this power equation there are huge fights because she is used to doing things a particular way and he is suddenly changing things.

These are just a few stumbling blocks that couples face as they embark on the journey of marriage together. And while reading this might lead to pre-wedding jitters, do remember that even though these issues do crop up for some couples, there are enough and more happily married couples as well.