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'I've fallen for my stepsister, is it wrong?'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on April 15 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, people...let's get started with our weekly Love Guru chat! Fee free to share your relationship problems right here...
sachinkumar asked, i am rajput my gal is south indian..in practical terms...tell me how to convince my parents
Love Guru answers, Sachin, this is a very common problem. If your parents are sensible, after voicing their concerns and hearing you out, in all probability they will relent. If they are hellbent on preventing this alliance, you will have to go against them to marry her. That is your decision. Sometimes parents relent right away, sometimes they thaw after awhile and sometimes, foolishly, they never relent and live to regret it. Most families, though, would accept it to prevent a permanent rift with their children.
nehaoct29 asked, hi Love guru, My BF is in abroad. how to know that he is emotionally attached to me. on the other hand im very much emotionally attached to him. i luv him a lot.
Love Guru answers, Neha, if you're in a long-distance relationship with a boy who is not expressive, there's bound to be a problem. You seem insecure, particularly because he's so far away. And he's not helping matters by behaving reserved. Explain to him how you're feeling...that you don't know what's going on with him and want a little reassurance from him on how he feels about you now and then. It may be easier for a person like him to write it all down in an e-mail rather than chatting about it with you, so try that avenue.
GSLV ROCKET asked, I work in a company where 90% staff is married and rest is frustrated single employees. But I am not frustrated nor I am interested in getting any relationship. Problem comes here there is one gal who is in other department I have sometimes interaction with her. Sometimes she shows anger and sometimes normal interaction. There is one aunty who sits with me. She constantly keeps on telling me " Do you love her?? And Whats happening between both of you" this is totally wrong. I don't love her. Nor I have personal interest in her. I INTERACT WITH HER IN A NORMAL WAY. That my office colleague (aunty) goes excited whenever she sees that gal with me. PLZZ TELL ME HOW TO CONVINCE MY PADOSI COLLEAGUE AUNTY IN A WAY. THERE IS NOTHING IN BETWEEN OF US. I have got no personal interest in anybody in office nor anywhere else.
Love Guru answers, I think your 'aunty' is the gossip-loving romantic type, and she will keep on asking you. The next time she does, tell her politely but firmly that you've answered this question more times than you care to and it's becoming slightly annoying that she keeps judging the situation in her own way without knowing the first thing about it. Explain that you are not interested in office relationships, nor in your colleague other than as a friend and that this is the last time you're answering her question. The next time she asks after that, ignore her entirely. Don't respond. She will get the hint.
sachinkumarsingh asked, how to maintain distance relation ship? i'll go for higher study..no time ..new friends....tough life..i know i can do it...whats ur thought sir?
Love Guru answers, If you're making your mind up from now that you'll have no time for a relationship once you pursue higher studies, you won't. You'll just have to set aside an hour in a day to communicate with your partner and also make sure to send a few SMSes during the day when you find the time. Weekend calls and e-mails will help too. But you have to make a commitment to giving some of your time to it.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'I can't look women in the face when I talk to them'
helpme asked, Dear LG, I am in deeply love with this girl who works in our office, I dont know when I try to talk to her I am not able to look at her face. Normally whenever I try to talk to a girl or a woman I am not comfortable talking to them the way I talk to my male friends. Kindly help me to overcome.
Love Guru answers, If you don't look someone in the face while talking to them, you come across as lacking confidence. Some also perceive it as the trait of a dishonest person. You will have to learn to behave with women just like you do with your male friends -- hey, they're human beings too, not aliens from another planet! When you're fumbling with conversation, think, "What would I say if this was my friend 'X'?" Take your cue from your relaxed behaviour around your male friends.
Krish asked, My mother got married two years to my step father who has a daughter. Both were widowed so no issues with their marriage. I have fallen in love with my step sister. We both love each other and have sexual relationship as well. We both want to get married. Since though genetically there are no issues, the pressure from the society is too much... What to do ?
Love Guru answers, Hi Krish. I understand your situation -- you're not related by blood and it's not like you were brought up together as brother and sister. Your parents got married only 2 years ago. I think you should tell your parents first -- I think after a slight initial shock, they will understand. After all, it's not like you both are siblings or even remotely related. If your parents deem it acceptable, I doubt anyone in society would speak against it -- at least not to your face. It will be fodder for gossip for a couple of days and then will die down, just like every other situation. I've heard of first cousins getting married, so I don't think your relationship is anywhere so scandalous.
Sahil asked, Hi love guru...I love two girls. They also love me a lot. What should I do? Whom to choose?
Love Guru answers, The one you love more and who you see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
jack asked, Hi LG iam married man with 2 kids, i have nice sex life with my wife, she co-opereates very well. but my sex desires be on increasing. i some times think to have a 3 some with my wife. i have got some friends on net. who want to join. but i dint tell to my lady about this. what u think will happen if i propose her about this.
Love Guru answers, You have a happy marriage and a fulfilling sex life. Why on earth would you want to upset the equation of both by bringing in a third party? Sure, it may be a woman, but hypothetically speaking, suppose your wife is agreeable to it provided the next time you choose a male partner for her? Would you be okay with it? At the end of the day, it's your choice -- go ahead and ask her if you want to. But if you think that such a situation won't affect the dynamics of your marriage, you're fooling yourself. And don't forget, you have an example to set for your children.
screwed asked, dear LG, looks like a slow day today... anyway, getting to my problem... i am married for a while now and somehow we have lost the spark.. its become rather mundane and mechanical in all aspects... we did read a lot of books on the issues and feel that the remedies suggested there are more in tune with the western culture and the western marriage institution.. transplanting those ideas in the indian cultural and social context is not really a workable option.. so what do we do??
Love Guru answers, West or East, marriage is marriage. Frankly, I think you're both a little intimidated by the idea of trying out what's mentioned in the books you've read. My question to you is -- what's the harm in it? Going a little off the beaten path to spice things up never hurt anybody. At the most, you will both find it a little ridiculous and have a good laugh together. But go ahead and try it -- even laughing together renews your bond with your partner. And incidentally, there are also several books on marriage issues by Indian authors. Go ahead and give those a shot if you think they're more suitable. But don't be surprised if they advice you to do the same things as the books you've already read!
'He left me for a not-so-good looking girl because I refused to get physical'
akash asked, my beloved married else where in 1984. in 2004 she came back to me. by this time we both are married elsewhere. but our love grows day by day. what is the future for us?
Love Guru answers, It's been 26 years. That's half a lifetime, for goodness sakes! Either end your marriages and get together or don't get together and call it off. But take a decision, instead of shuttling back and forth on the issue! And when you do, be realistic about it!
mania asked, I have a girlfriend. Whom I use to love. She cheated on me so I broke off with her, but the tried really hard and I decided to give us another try. She has been a really girlfriend since then. But I have realized that I don't have that spark anymore for her. I am afraid to tell her this, because I think she will get hurt and she has been suicidal. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, Is the fact that she cheated on you related to the loss of love that you feel for her? Or is it just that she has become so desperate in her effort to please you that you feel like she's not the same person anymore? Sometimes being able to walk all over a person also leads you to lose respect for him/her and leads to the loss of spark -- everything goes your way and you get bored. So examine both these issues carefully and when you come up with the answer, make a decision. If it's completely unrelated to these issues and it's just a general loss of interest, there's no point in prolonging it. But, in the meantime, if she's suicidal, you may consider taking her to counselling sessions and put her family on the alert. Maybe you should postpone breaking off by a little bit till she becomes more stable and is able to think more rationally. Because most likely, she will blame herself for the failure of the relationship.
SM asked, Hi Loveguru, I'm 33 now, relatively well positioned in life. We are seeking alliance and not getting any right kind of girls. 3 years we are searching and searching...many a times when we get a girl from their family they are not interested for my age. I'm getting frustrated and don;'t know how to tackle this. Please advise. -SM, Bangalore
Love Guru answers, It may be a stroke of bad luck, but I'm guessing you're looking at considerably younger women to get married to. And that's why they're saying no. Have you considered meeting women for matches who are around the same age as you, ie 30-plus?
Sharvari asked, I am from Bombay and had been in a relationship with my friend for 4 years. Our relationship ended over other girl. I dont understand why. I am pretty, understanding and intelligent. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, Sharvari, you say you were in a relationship, but you use the word 'friend'. Was it a committed, official relationship or was it a casual, friends-with-benefits kind of fling? If it was the latter, I'm guessing your friend was with you only till he found a suitable partner that he sees as longterm. And he probably thought you were in it for the same reason as him -- convenience. Stop questioning what shortcomings are within you and realise that someone else is bound to appreciate the qualities you've mentioned. And this time around, make sure your partner is committed to the relationship and doesn't take things so casually.
amit asked, my ex-grilfriend wants a child from me instead of her husband. she is very adament for that. wat to do?
Love Guru answers, You'd be stupid to even consider it. Why on earth would you want another man bringing up your child? Your ex seems like a nutcase to me for even asking something like that of you.
Sharvari asked, Forgot to add that he was the only man in my life. He wanted to have a physical relationship but I turned him down. Was that the reason? If that is so, I am willing to do it for him.
Love Guru answers, If that is the case, before blindly agreeing to get physical in a bid to get him back, you need to analyse why you said no in the first place. Were you 100 percent sure of him? Were you 100 percent comfortable with him? Why did you turn him down? I don't think you should change your mind about getting physical just to please him. If that was the only reason he decided to suddenly get another girl, it shows his level of interest in you as a person.
'I'm a divorcee, should I marry again or focus on my daughter?'
sezt asked, hi 2and half years back I parents saw a girl and not agreed in the proposal. After this huge gap now I came acroos her via matrimony and she is so immotional and sending me smss and mails daily and telling if I'll reject this proposal this time Her situation will be critical. But I've not met her till now. Tell me what to do?????
Love Guru answers, Are you interested in her? If not, send her an e-mail stating that you're sorry, you never intended to hurt her feelings but that marriage is a personal decision that one cannot be forced into making. You just met her for a match, it's not like you had any relationship with her, so you're really not answerable to her for your actions -- don't let her threats bother you so much. And emotional blackmail is hardly a tool to be used when someone is not emotional about you in the first place!
ketan asked, i had love marriage before 2 years and now my wife has filed divorce case.. i want to know how to save my marriage please help.. we had all things good but because few small family problems she is not ready to live with me.. and i still think my marriage can be solved but her family member is not listening to me.
Love Guru answers, Ketan, nevermind her family members -- talk to her directly. Tell her that as her husband, you're willing to address whatever problems she's experiencing in the marriage alongside her. She needs to know that you support her and her decisions and you'll stand by her whenever it's necessary. If the living arrangements are making her unhappy, you can gauge the situation and maybe move out on your own with her if her complaints are justified.
rht asked, hi lg i love a gal who has a bf from last 6 years both of their family knows but the girl doesnt love her bf shes bound 2 marry as everybody in the famly & society knows about it she says .she loves me too .she cant tel her family about me as shes the one who convinced about her bf before.i loved her without knowing she has a bf i sill love her a lot & wany marry her. what 2 do ?
Love Guru answers, It's not like she's even engaged to him. If she doesn't want to stay in the relationship she should get out of it. Now. Before another six years pass. Or she'll be trapped in an unhappy marriage for life, just because of what society would gossip about for a week and then forget. I don't think her family would want her to remain unhappy because of a relationship gone wrong. And if she could convince them once, she can definitely do so again.
karan asked, Dear LOVE GURU, Please guide me. I love one girl with purest intent and without concerning her look, family etc..Totally matured and kind of selfless love. My family is agree for her. SHe is from another state. And her parents are not agree. Now not allowing me to communicate with her. Would she be able to convince them. How to cop up with the situation now as i am totally isolated from her. To me loving her is adhering value of commitment and love. Please guide me. Thanks
Love Guru answers, Have you met her in person? Even once? Doesn't seem that way from all you've just said. If this relationship has just been a long-distance communication so far, you need to meet her first and get to spend time with her in person. If I'm wrong, and you have met her and know her properly, you can always travel with your family to her home and try convincing her parents. After meeting your parents they may relent. As a last resort, she can walk out on them. If she's a legal, consenting adult they cannot forcefully hold her back without breaking the law.
latha asked, I am divorcee, I got an offer who again a divorcee who is 2 years younger to me, problem is he is having two kids both males and my daughter is teen, i am confused, i feel more than mine my daugter future is important, suggest me
Love Guru answers, What does your daughter think of you re-marrying this man? Have you met him and his sons, do you know them well enough to take such a decision? If they are well brought up boys and the man himself is a good, decent person from a respectable family, I don't see the problem.
Love Guru says, Time to go, people! Catch you next week, same time, same place! Till then, cheers!