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'I don't want her talking to male friends on the phone'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on April 29 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey there everyone...let's get started with the Love Guru chat for today! Feel free to share your problems right here.
yourstruly asked, I have a boy friend,we have been in relationship for 3 years.He used to be very loving and caring person but now the situation is whenever he is with his friends he makes fun of me and taunts me in front of them, for me this is very insulting.I asked him many times but he just avoids to give me answer.I dont know whats wrong?i think he wants to get rid of me.what's in his mind? cud u tell pls.
Love Guru answers, Sometimes a partner may tease you without realising how hurtful it is. But in this case, you've already told him how you feel about him doing it and he continues to do so irrespective of your feelings. He's trying to make his friends laugh at your expense. Tell him straight that you're disgusted with how he treats you in front of your friends and you'll leave him if it ever happens again. And if it does, stick to your word -- dump him. In front of them, right there and then. Tell him that anyone who tries to humiliate his girlfriend to amuse everyone around is not a man and that you're dumping him. Let's see if he laughs at a dose of his own medicine. You're too good for such a jerk.
VKS asked, Hello LG, I got married last year. After 1 month of the same i came to know that she had some affairs in the past, I used to ask her before marriage for the same but she always used to lie. Then i called her parents and informed about the same after that i said forget all the past let live together afresh. But within 3 days she again started calling him and updating all the things happening in our personal space. She used to lie always about the same to me, but 1 day i come to know that she had chat with him mentioning him as her husband and about her periods (i am having a valid proof) and lot more.. then i send her to her parents place and i decided to part the ways.. but she is asking give me last chance blah.. Can you guide me what will my best decision in this scenario
Love Guru answers, I can appreciate that you tried to put her past behind you. But besides that, there's a lot of things you need to discuss with her. Did she marry you under pressure? If not, why is she still interested in chatting with an ex-boyfriend? Why is she doing it? If she wanted him, why did she get married to you in the first place? What she's been doing to you so far is not fair. A frank talk with her will prove very fruitful, but don't scare or try to intimidate her or she will hesitate to be completely honest with you. She already lied to you before marriage. After you've heard her out, make a decision -- whether to start afresh or to end the marriage. After knowing everything, you'll be able to take a better informed decision.
guri asked, Hi LG, I got married recently... My mother in Law is having lot of influence on my wife... she does whatever her mom says... i am quite upset with it... any suggestions?
Love Guru answers, A tug of war will ensue, which will put your wife in an uncomfortable position. If she's influencing little decisions that don't really make a difference to your lives, go along with them. Then, if a larger issue comes up and you disagree, your wife will realise that you only disagree when you have a valid reason to. But unnecessarily placing yourself against your ma-in-law for small things will only cause needless friction. Also, your marriage is very recent -- as time passes and your wife grows to love and trust you more, she will be more agreeable to what you say.
coolankit asked, this has happpened many times, i get attracted towards a girl and i feel that she too is attracted towards me but ii don't have the courge to go and talk to her. Plz tell me how to start talking
Love Guru answers, If you think a girl is attracted to you before you've ever spoken to her, it's likely that it's just your wishful thinking at work. Talk to her as a friend, be casual. Then you'll really know whether she is interested or not. After that, you can follow it up by trying to take your relationship to the next level.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'He has started hating me for postponing our wedding'
Ajay asked, Sir I love a girl, she is not saying me straightly, but i know she has place for me in her heart. how can i take it out from his mouth...?? suggest me
Love Guru answers, Tell her how you feel about her first and ask if she feels the same way. Explain that expressing your feelings is not something to be looked down upon -- it's a positive sign.
GSLVRocket asked, Hey loveguru, thanks for reply last time. My office aunty who was relating me to another gal in office but i am not interested in any gal in office. I showed your reply to her, from that day, she has started saying more and keep on relating with with that gal. I DON'T LIKE THIS.
Love Guru answers, You should not have shown her my reply, you should have done as I said without bringing my advice into the equation. Now she thinks that if you were bothered enough to enter a relationship forum and seek advice, you've definitely got something for the girl. Or, she fully gets that you don't like that girl but enjoys making you uncomfortable with constant teasing. Ignore her entirely if that's the case -- cutting off all contact with her will show her that you mean business.
ankita asked, my friend had a very bad relationship in the past year. she was about to leave the house for one guy. but family members make her understand that the guy is not good & everything was normal. but now her family members are searching a guy for marriage & she is confused for the past. she should tell all things to his would be husband or not ???????? plzzzz tell me wht v should do ???????
Love Guru answers, Ideally, yes. But she doesn't need to volunteer the details of what happened to every suitor she meets. Only if she finds the right guy and things move in the right direction, she can bring it up. If he's a sensible, understanding guy he's sure not to be bothered by it. Why, he may have a past too -- almost everybody does.
Arnab asked, I, Arnab got married with My wife Priyanka on 2nd March 2010 at Kolkata. She is basically from Kanpur. We came to know each other from Shaadi.com from December 2010 & got married after 3 months. We loved each other. After marriage, she came to know that my mom was against this marriage. As a result, my wife had adjustment problems with my mom. She then thought that I have lied to her about my mom. Yes, I did it because I didn't want to loose her. Finally, she went back to Kanpur on 24th March with her Mom. Her dad is no more alive. He died last September. She is staying with her mom at Kanpur & has no intentions of coming back to me. But I love her a lot & want her to come back to me at the earliest. She hates me now & has promised in the name of her dead father that she doesn't want to come back to me. I don't know what will happen ? Can U suggest something ?
Love Guru answers, Arnab, you may look at it as a step you took to avoid losing her -- Priyanka looks at it as having been cheated by you. And she was. You should have told her the truth about your mother and stated that you would go against her if that was what it took to be with her. Did you even stop to think about how it would make her feel to come and live in a stranger's house, where she wasn't really wanted? Go to Kanpur and try to change her mind about coming back. Tell her you will move out of your parents' house and live separately. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work and explain that the only reason you didn't tell her was because you didn't want to lose her -- and you still don't want to. Explain that you realise that you made a big mistake in hindsight, but it was because you loved her and that you want to rectify it by keeping her happy in the way she wants.
sac asked, Hi am luving a guy from past 10 yrs due to problems our marriage is postphoned.Now he started hating me becoz am postphoning my marriage.pls help me on this
Love Guru answers, How long do you expect him to wait? It's already been 10 years -- what possible problems can hold up a marriage for 10 years? How long do you think you can keep someone dangling like that? Set your marriage date and do it already -- whatever problems you have, you can face as husband and wife.
tara asked, I haave developed relation with a married man, he says he will marry me the problem is i heard that he keep breaking relationship, but he complain other way,this was disclosed by her ex girlfriend, but i like him,suggest me can i beleive him?
Love Guru answers, You're not the first woman he's cheated on his wife with. How many were before you? If it's just one ex-girlfriend who is saying this is the way he operates, I would say that you can even think of giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if there are other women in his past who he's done the same thing to, I'd be inclined to believe her. Anyone who would cheat in his marriage doesn't take commitment too seriously in the first place. What makes you think you're a different case where he's concerned? Has he started divorce proceedings? When does he intend to? If he's going to marry you, it's time to start moving in that direction, isn't it? Set a timeline of a couple of months and see if he's making any move at all towards what he's promised you. If he doesn't, you can be sure he has no intention of marrying you. And in that case, get out of the relationship -- soon. It will get you nothing but a broken heart and a soiled reputation as a homewrecker.
'She's a major drama queen'
1q2w3e asked, I am engaged to get married. My tobe is a big drama queen.Actually because we are in 2 seperate cities I have to coordinate many small work with her. She is very careless n keeps making small mistakes.If I point it out she never accepts her mistake instead make up a storm n make a mountain out of molehill.Like last time when I highlighted her mistake she involved everyone from her to my family to avoid saying sorry. I am very fed up...how'll I manage her after marriage
Love Guru answers, You won't be able to manage after marriage. Unless you solve this problem now. Ask her why she has such a huge ego problem accepting small mistakes, because everyone makes them and that doesn't make them lesser people -- nor does saying sorry. Instead of arguing and making huge deals out of nothing, why can she not accept a small mistake? Nobody's perfect. And involving the families and everyone else makes it far worse than just saying 'Sorry, I messed up.' That would end things right there. To set an example, you need to do the same with her -- say sorry if there's some small issue you overlooked. It will make her realise that it's not that big a deal.
mona asked, hi i am married and admired my boss even he use to like me but he expired i m still not able to forget my steamy moments with him and m unable to concentrate on my kid and my husband
Love Guru answers, Mona, it was an extramarital affair. So now, you can't grieve outwardly even though you're feeling the loss so heavily and that is why it's affecting your life. Take a trip someplace by yourself, or take leave from work and spend some time at home by yourself doing what you enjoy. Give yourself room to breathe alone -- a private space -- and let it all out. Just make sure that your marriage doesn't suffer in the bargain -- your husband and child need your attention or you will damage your relationships with them and lose them too. You could also seek therapy to get over the loss. And in future, I would suggest you steer clear of extramarital affairs -- one way or another, they usually lead to heartbreak.
Hifunda asked, Hi love guru my gf expects me to call her all the time, to talk to her till late night inspite of being feeling sleepy. If no then she thinks I am taking the relation forgranted. what to do?
Love Guru answers, You can explain to her that you need your sleep and not talking on the phone till the wee hours doesn't mean that you're taking her for granted. She's taking you for granted by insisting on doing something so impractical and expecting you to stay awake when you're tired and need to get to bed.
Rahul asked, I am a 20 year old guy in love with an 18 year old girl. We both are in college. However, we both belong to the same community and caste and our parents also know each other very well. They know that we are very close. But they don't know that we are in a relationship and planning to get married after completing our studies. I am very serious about her and am very romantic. Though she is opening up with time, she is not as expressive as I am. Moreover, she has lots of male friends, and that makes me feel insecure. It's not that I'm against her having male friends, but she always keeps fishing for compliments about her appearance while talking to them, and I don't like it. Also, she doesn't like it when I talk to girls, although I never flirt. But she does. Now, isn't this hypocrisy? She says she wants to marry me. I really love her a lot and want to marry her. Is she really serious about me or is she just passing her time? Please help me out.
Love Guru answers, Rahul, you both are a little young to be talking about marriage so soon. Enjoy what you have together and see where it goes -- no rushing into serious decisions at such an age. As for the flirting, you need to point out to her what you just pointed out to me -- that she enjoys attention from her male friends, but you're not even supposed to talk to other girls. Tell her that you have no intention of cheating on her, just as she has none of cheating on you, but that she has to trust you with your friends. And you should trust her with her friends.
bombastika asked, hi lg; I am a happily married person. i hv a neighbouring lady who also likes me a lot. before my marriage I had a sexual relationship with this lady. but after my marriage till date i hv avoided. but not she keeps on contacting me to and requesting me to have same physical relations like before. i hv tried to convince her. but all efforts in vein. pls help me.
Love Guru answers, What do you mean all efforts are in vain? She can't force you unless you let her! The word is 'no'. Avoid her when she contacts you -- cut off all communication with her. She will eventually get the message and stop trying.
amit28 asked, LG i have a problem ..i love one gal from last 3 year ...we are deeply in love ....but i m married (childhood married) am 28 year old.....its not possible to leave my wife even i dunn love her ..but ...how to go ahead with my love ..coz she also love me alot
Love Guru answers, You can't have your cake and eat it too. Either you leave your wife or this girl, because while you're enjoying the best of both, they are the ones whose lives are being affected by your behaviour. Life is all about tough decisions -- and you better make one quick, or you'll find that both women will get fed up of your philandering ways and leave you!
'He ditched me overnight because his folks said no'
fgsgs asked, I dont like my fiance to have phone conversations with college male friends after marriage. How to convey this to her in right way.
Love Guru answers, What, you're from the 17th century or something? Why can she not talk to male friends? And what exactly gives you the right to tell her who to talk to and who not to talk to? Sure, try telling her -- but don't be surprised if she dumps you on your head! Young, educated women who can stand on their own feet are not about to take this kind of nonsense from chauvinists like you anymore! Either you try to be a good, understanding husband who treats his wife's friends as his own, or be prepared for trouble in your marriage!
NehaSIngh asked, Hi i was in a long distance relationship for 3 years. The guy loved me a lot and we were waiting for my elder sister to get married. A few months back he asked his parents and they did not agree and he left me (i.e. no contact at all). After a month I called me and he started crying but still stick to his decision of leaving me. But again I realized that I should not call or beg anyone. So I left. But I really loved him as ours was a very good and graceful relation. Now I want to go for arranged marriage but I am not able to get him out of my brain. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, Neha, I'm glad you made the difficult decision of leaving Mr Spineless. If he had any courage, he would stand up to his parents and marry you. In a way, it's good you got to know how spineless he actually is, because such mamma's boys tend to live their whole lives according to their parents' wishes and don't pay much attention to their wives' needs at all. You would have been unhappy in the long run. Up until now, it was just you and him -- that's why you're still in love and having trouble getting over him. Once his parents entered the equation, all that would have gone for a toss. Give yourself some time and start meeting new guys -- even if nothing comes of it, it's a step in the right direction for you.
Ris asked, My old girlfirend has made friends with my wife without telling that she knos me? I am scared that she would shre it with my wife. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, You need to tell your wife that this woman is your ex-girlfriend. It may leave her feeling a little unsettled at first, but she will appreciate that you've been honest with her and it will open her eyes to the situation you're in. Also, this move will end any risk of being blackmailed by your ex, if that is her intention. If it's not also, at least your wife will know where she stands.
love31 asked, Hello Love guru I am in relationship with a gal for the last 7 yrs.We both love each other very much the problm is she is Hindu and i am christian and or families are against this relationship.My family has tols me that they wont accept this relation and my mom dosent like my gf.I wantd to get married to her with the consent of my family but i dnt see tht happening.I dnt wanna loose her and court marrige is only option tht i see.Am i right??
Love Guru answers, Yes, getting married on your own is an option. That, and living separate from your family -- don't even think of getting your girlfriend to try and adjust to your mother, if she's already made her dislike of her known to you. It will create a lot of trouble.
Love Guru says, Time to go! Catch you guys next week, same time, same place! Till then, all the best!