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The dating series: Hazards of wooing an IT geek!
As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion.
Okay, so we already know enough to give journalists a pass and steer clear of models when it comes to the love game.
We're pretty much hellbent on exploring the shortcomings of prospective partners from every single choice of career, but we're only trying to alert you to the problems you may face -- so don't blame us if you wind up with an unemployed bum.
Look, it doesn't hurt to know just how your lawyer husband can legally transfer all your funds to his name and keep 'em, or how your handsome doctor dude ex can slip a laxative into your drink to get back at you for breaking up with him, does it?
Now, before the 'homeless bum' option begins to look more appealing to you, take the time to read through this week's column: The Hazards of Dating an IT Geek. After that, it will look more appealing still!
1. You'll never know what they do at work and you'll never get them away from it completely -- ever!
See this girl right here, trying to pry Loverboy from his laptop for all she's worth?
Don't laugh -- that will be you, after 15 straight nights at home watching reruns of saas-bahu serials because Mr I'm-Married-to-My-Job is working on an exciting new programme for the boss.
And yes, boss is old, fat and bald but he's more important than you. He'll never admit it, but Geek-a-Lot (are you offended? Because we don't care -- really) dreams of floating in a sky of algorithms arm-in-arm with Big Fat Baldy as Somewhere Over the Rainbow plays in the background.
On the other hand, you'll be dreaming of getting a life, because you don't remember what steak tastes like anymore and your new hobby is growing a moustache.
And no, he can't explain what it is he actually does at work to you, because you're an ignoramous. Do you even know what an interactive interface is?
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
2. Gadgets will take over your life
Say hello to the Blackberry, the Apple and every other fruit-cake gadget in the market -- which, incidentally, is not the kind that you carry straw baskets to (what's the world coming to, really? We're turning into one big grocery store!).
You will be surrounded by them every waking moment, because your IT geek can't live without them -- you toss the computer out the window in a rage and s/he'll quickly follow.
Want to witness a perfectly sane person lose their sanity? Just plan a vacation away from civilisation -- where there's no mobile service network and wifi and watch the sweats come on.
Anyway, when you unwrap that big, ribboned box on your birthday, expect to find the latest tech toy in there -- a cellphone, a notebook, a video game, anything with an 'On/off' button and charger.
Now, receiving a black (hey, it could be fuschia pink too, but it's still a damn machine!) gadget on every special occasion year after year is about as romantic as global warming, which you will most likely be contributing to by the use of your new toy.
Except that you won't get to use it very much yourself. That's because...
3. You can't use anything right -- they have to show you!
You're sitting at your new laptop, figuring things out, while Mr Geek is pretending to tinker with his cellphone, but has actually been peeking over your shoulder for a while now.
In about five minutes, which is more than he can actually stand, it comes -- "Let me show you something, I'll make this much easier for you."
Nevermind that you don't want to be shown anything or that you're imagining growing a pair of Robert Pattinson-style fangs that you can sink into his chicken neck for snatching away a gadget for the umpteenth time.
In about an hour, you'll be tinkering around with your cellphone while he's tick-tacking away on the laptop talking to himself.
And in three hours, when he's done and you're in the middle of a hot gossip session with a galpal, he'll finally turn to you, realise that you're on the phone and say, "Honey, why don't you use the hands-free set I gifted you on your last birthday? Tell Swati you'll call her back in five, I'll just quickly set it up for you..."
Groan!
4. You'll always be second-best
To both, Big Fat Boss and to machines.
Because face it, when it comes to the crunch, he'd make love to either one of them before you (and actually can to the former, but let's not go there).
And as to being second string team, second fiddle, the third wheel -- you get the picture, you're not important enough -- you'll simply have to get used to it.
Their first love is gadgets, tech toys, things they can tinker around with. That's how geeks are made, they're a gentle breed that choose brains over brawn, mainly because most of them don't cast a shadow if they stand sideways. If you can make your peace with that, you've got no problem.
And if you can't fathom taking a backseat to a video game, we'd suggest you keep walking. Because most of them won't notice that you're gone for at least the next few hours, having played on into the night.
5. You don't understand geek-speak!
Forget about a night socialising with his fellow geek brigade. Because you'll never understand a word they'll say beyond the initial greeting!
Geeks get carried away when they meet each other. Mainly, we think, to see who can use more unheard-of terms that only five people across the world have ever looked up on Google, but that's the truth.
When they mention 'control+alt+delete' you won't know whether they're referring to keyboard shortcuts or a friend's recent divorce, and asking for each other's 'coordinates' may strike you as nutty, although each is simply asking where the other is at that point in time.
On the bright side, you can become the first to come out with a geek-speak dictionary -- several hapless souls clamouring for it across the world will likely turn your work into a bestseller.
And you can use the money to buy a new laptop. Arrghh!