Painful break-ups: 'How I learned to cope'

Last week, after the news of Sania Mirza's broken engagement came to light, we invited readers to share similar stories of heartbreak with us. Here, Akhilesh Koshi* from Bangalore tells his story:

I have always wanted to help guys who have suffered a break-up in their lives. I know how painful it is. I thought maybe this way I could reach out to them and help them face the unfortunate chapters of life.

When I had a break-up, the world came crashing down on me. I knew I could not change the girl's decision, or destiny. So I tried hard to accept the fact, to accept my fate. I found it difficult to respect the girl whom I used to love the most, I stopped respecting any woman, but then I realised I cannot come out of this pit unless I spit out anger and such ill feelings.

I started respecting her in my own time. But I got into the bad habit of drinking, even though my doctors had already warned me not to. I started hurting myself, making myself bleed all night. Then one day I realised how much my mom, and sis love me.

That's when I got up, and got the courage to face the world once again. Though I still slip into that stage sometimes, I'm not giving up. I have resumed gymming, I go out shopping all alone and buy what I want to. Sometimes when I shop, I remember the days I used to shop for my lady love. I've cried in the washrooms of malls, in the restrooms of my company, and everywhere. I believe it's completely okay to cry. It helps you to get lighter in your heart.

So I cried, but then I got up again, prayed to God for her and kept moving ahead. I am trying hard to love everybody, and everything I see around me. There are various ways to come out of a break-up. You can take up a hobby, get yourself tired in the gym, and sleep dead at night, take up swimming, or dancing classes. Eating chocolates also helped me.

When I miss her, I write poems. I cry inside. But I keep moving, thinking that I am not alone like this here. It's very important to let your feelings out to at least one such person in these times. A family member or a close friend is very useful. If not, then talk to anybody. Talk to strangers. It's like a storm in the sea. Just hold on for a few months, and things will be normal. You might lose your hope and belief in God for a while, but make sure you get it back again. Do whatever it takes to keep you happy, to forget her, but all should be within limits.

*Name changed to protect privacy.

Do you have a story of a break-up you'd like to share with us and other readers? Maybe an experience that could help someone else facing the same problem? Write to us at getahead@rediff.co.in (subject line: 'My Big Break-up') and we'll publish the best entries right here on rediff.com

'An immature story that made me mature'

Here is an account from a reader who prefers to go by the moniker 'Fighter':

It all started when I was in my first year of engineering and belongs to that era when the Internet was booming. All telecom and IT (information technology) companies were at a high and were expanding and the result was that guys like us got mobiles at cheaper call rates and easy acess to the Internet at the maximum of Rs10 per hour.

In July 2004 I was looking for some engineering colleges and my friend told me how to use the Internet to my advantage. But the byproduct of that was I also created a chatting ID -- thus, one more fool entered the chatting world.

I belonged to an e-love or e-dating chatroom. I met a girl from another city online; she was in her second year of engineering and from there it all started.We chatted for some time for a year and finally I asked for her number and she gave it to me. As I have mentioned above, I utilised both sectors of telecom and IT to destroy myself -- they led to the remarkable industrial development of our country and the downfall of me.

I started talking to her once in a week; then it suddenly went to once in two days and it finally shot up to daily conversations with her. Then, one day, I proposed. And she accepted. All this took only two months. Time was flying and I was enjoying my life as ever and then her exams came. I used to get up early for her, to wake her up and talk to her, encourage her. And then came my exams. She was busy -- she never bothered about me, was busy with her friends and in fact she just forgot. I've always been very close to my mother and sister and very emotional. I thought, 'What's happening to my dream world?'

These were the early symptoms of this illogical relationship, or maybe one-sided relationship, one can say. Anyhow, I managed to give my exams and passed that semester but barely.

Then after the exams she apologised and then we went further. Our first Valentine came and we enjoyed ourselves on the phone, making promises that I would meet her after the next semester exams. Time started flying again and then again came our semesters. First came her exams and again I did the same as I did earlier -- and then came my exams and she did the same as earlier too. This time I was depressed. I just couldn't understand why she used to ignore me for days during this time. Although she used to do this many times, her reasons convinced me -- but I still don't understand why most guys feel more for their lovers during exams or crucial times.

This time I gave up and i just couldn't concentrate and I failed. I lost the trust of my parents and also brought a lot of disgrace to myself. I still don't know what happened to me during those 4 years. I was beginning to lose faith in myself and above all I just could not think of my parents. That was the worst part. And then I met her for the first time, after managing to travel 1,700 kms away to a different state even after failing. I had an excellent excuse -- I was going with my sis and mom for some work.

I met her for the first time and it only made me more mad for her. I don't know what to say now. Things went on like this for another two years and ultimately I failed twice in three years. I lost 15 kgs of weight and totally cut myself off from everyone.I didn't know what to do. I used to call her but then she used to say all those things that I couldn't even imagine at that time and don't want to think of at this time. She made my life hell and then I realised what our elders say is the only truth -- do your work, what you are supposed to do and nothing else. Only your family stands by your side and noone else.

I sat for days alone and tried to think of how to gain respect for myself, what I could do ahead in future. I got closer to my family, partially accepted my mistakes in front of them and totally within myself and that is what I gained from this. I decided I will continue my engineering in the same college and also took an alternate graduation course. Soon, although it was tough, I showed some improvements -- I passed my engineering in the next three semesters and in the last semester I also became a topper (for the first time in my life in graduation). I regained the trust of my parents. I know it's not even the beginning; I am just filling up the holes of the path to success, but at least I am in the right direction. Also got placed in a small electronics company, which I think is more valuable to me for my overall development, than if I had gotten placed in a big company.

The most basic fact of life I understood is that you should be happy and then everything will be good for you. Attain the things that you don't have, but appreciate what you have.

'After 12 years of a relationship, an e-mail ended things'

This is reader Manju Sagi's experience:

I knew this guy from the past 12 years. We started seeing each other when we were 15 years old. My mother strongly objected to it and so we decided to concentrate on our studies first. We enrolled in different colleges but we still met in groups. Every time we met there was a feeling of lost love between us. He always told me that he missed me and was waiting for me. In my engineering final year (2003) I proposed to him again and was in for a rude shock. He was seeing someone at his college.

I was totally broken, as I didn't expect it. To me, he was my first and my only love. It took me 3 years to make peace with the truth. All the while when he was seeing the other girl, he kept telling me that he still loved me. In 2006, he came back to me, citing a break-up with his girlfriend.We were working in different cities then and so couldn't meet regularly. Phone calls and occasional trips kept us together.

One night, he called up out of the blue and asked me to bail him out of a situation. One of his colleagues at work was being forced to marry by her family and so she lied to her parents that she was seeing my boyfriend. I didn't know how to react and I couldn't understand the logic behind it. We fought regarding the issue for a couple of days and finally he convinced me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her.

I trusted him. His colleague later got married as per her parents' wish. Post this incident I went to the US and he constantly pestered me to talk at home about our marriage. I knew from Day One that my folks wouldn't agree, owing to caste issues. I wanted to take a little more time to convince them.There was a hue and cry at my house when my folks found out about us. We wanted to get married once I came back from the US at any cost. After a lot of emotional drama at home, my parents finally gave in. They disowned me. I wanted to get the support of at least his parents if not mine, to step into matrimony with him. He kept postponing the idea of discussing our relationship with his folks.While I was still in the US and sharing a very bad equation with my folks, he started neglecting me. I could sense a change in his behaviour and commitment. He started spending more time on a daily basis with his married colleague and never picked up my calls.

Whenever I confronted him, he used to tell me that the lady is not happy with her husband and so she is sharing her grief with him. I would have happily given up if he had told me about his feelings for the lady. I tolerated his behaviour, as I didn't want to look like a fool to my parents by breaking off from him. I could never understand why they had to spend time till late at night to discuss the problems. Every other day we fought about his dinners with her till late into the night. One day he stopped taking my calls and I was worried about his safety, as he used to drive home alone after drinking. The next morning he picked up my call and told me that he was with the lady at dinner and was busy discussing my future (yes, no confusion -- they talked about MY future). Finally the day had come when he told me that he was not able to decide on what to do about our relationship. All I could do is cry like I never did. I was shattered. In a fit of rage, I sent an e-mail to the lady in question, offering her help to solve her domestic issues rather than her spending time with my boyfriend.

The e-mail scene was blown out of proportion. In his view, I was a rude and arrogant girl who insulted an innocent and helpless girl by offering help to her domestic problems. My motive was never to insult her. All I wanted was to get a clear picture of what was happening.We are no longer on talking terms. Two years passed by and I am still trying to figure out what went wrong. Was it really the e-mail or was it just an excuse? A relationship of 12 years ended with a lot of unanswered questions and emotions. All I know is: I lost my first and my only love to some strange circumstances and the ways of this world.

'My parents loved her like a daughter-in-law'

Here's what Sandeep Sathyanarayana had to say about his break-up:

I was in a relationship with a girl for more than 2 years, and although her parents didn't approve of it, my parents loved her totally and had accepted her as their future daughter-in-law. I was also confident that she would stick to the commitment we made and used to introduce her to everyone as my fiance.

We had our differences, but I kept the faith that we would get married soon after I completed my MBA. But alas, she got engaged to another guy and didn't even tell me about it. I got to know through a common friend, and was shocked to realise that I was still hoping to live all my life with her.

She had a 4-month gap from her engagement until her marriage, and until a few days before her wedding, I was still requesting her and begging her to give me a chance. But to no avail. All I got was Facebook and Orkut status messages of hers on how handsome her husband is.

What was most embarrassing and hurtful was that my parents were under the impression that she would marry me until they got to know she was married. It was a very tough phase in my life.

'The thought of my first love still brings tears'

And finally, here is Gauri Gupta's story:

This happened in 2004. I was an MBA student, he was an IAS aspirant and in charge of the computer lab at the same institute. I used to stay near his place and we used to see each other on our way to college or while doing chores. A simple 'Hi' led to acquaintance and then friendship.

Just after one semester, I got a job based on my engineering degree, but in the same city. I did not move out from my residence, although it was a bit far off from my workplace and I had the option of living nearer to it.

Soon after, we joined yoga classes at the same place. He had suggested it to me. I got to know there were only 3 or 4 people taking that class, including me, him and the instructor. We used to wake each other up for the yoga routine. We used to go walking together and used to talk about many things on our way. He spoke about all that interested me. It seemed that he enjoyed my company very much.

Every time we parted, we tried to find ways to meet again or call for any stupid reason. I didn't know what was going on in his mind but in my mind I was sure I was falling for him. He was very handsome and I a very average looking girl. As looks play a very important role for guys, I knew I wasn't meant for him. As for him, I was also sure of him making it big someday.

I tried to curb my feelings for him by avoiding him at times. But he would always find ways to get my time. Besides work and studies, I believed I occupied much of his thoughts. I can't hide my emotions and whatever I think shows very clearly on my face. I believe he knew that I had started having feelings for him. I think in a one-to-one relationship we realise what we have in the heart for the person next to us.

He still tried ways to get my attention. We never said anything or formally proposed to each other, but on my part, only the three words were left. one day, we went to a temple far away from our place. While I was praying to God, I heard him whispering the song I Just Called to Say I Love You.

Days passed like this. I suggested that he go to Delhi for better coaching and preparation for his choice of career. A tear dropped from my eyes thinking what life would be like without him in that city. He asked me why I cried and I told him the reason.

One fine day I got to know from him that he wanted to be friends with the most beautiful girl in my MBA class and he was trying to see her. He asked me if I felt bad about it. First I said no, but he repeatedly asked me and I said yes. A few more days passed and I made up my mind to stay near my workplace. He too got selected for a nice government job.

From my other friends, I got to know that he was seeing the beautiful girl from my batch. I saw them roaming together in the city. All his comments to me about his choice in women, how a girl should dress and many other opinions were absolutely flipped. That girl was the absolute opposite of me. He did not move to Delhi.

We both were in the same city, but my life became very different. Every night I used to wait for his call, the regular time that he used to call me when we were together. But he did not call. Every night I used to cry till I fell asleep, waiting for his call.

Days and months passed like this. My parents started looking for a match for me. I felt if the boy ever asked me about my past life, about my ex, what would I say? That I was dumped for the sake of a very beautiful girl, or that I never had any boyfriend, as we never formally proposed to each other?

Time passed and after two years, I proposed to a colleague of mine who was very close to me and a very good friend too. I had started having the same kind of feelings for him too. But this time I didn't want to be a loser. I opened my heart before him and said to him that if he didn't has any such feelings for me, then we should stop talking. 'Friendship can end up in love, but love cannot end up in friendship.'

I was lucky this time and my feelings were reciprocated nicely. I am with my boyfriend now and soon will get married to him. My first love still brings tears and uneasy feelings, but the next moment, the second love of my life reminds me of his presence in the present and assures me of his presence in the future. I thank God for sending him into my life.

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