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'Wife had an affair, now I'm having one'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 21 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey there, people! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat -- let's get started, shall we?
Helo asked, How to get a girl in seven days ?
Love Guru answers, Stop watching so many movies and use a little common sense. It's not like you can put a time limit on such things -- unless you're looking at an arranged match and say yes to the first girl you meet!
SDSD asked, HI LG. I LOVED ONE MARRIED GIRL. SHE WAS APPLIED OF DIVORCE FOR ME. BOTH PLANNING TO ESCAPE AND MARRY. MY AGE IN 25 AND HER AGE IS 30. NO CHILDRENS FOR HER. MY PARENTS ARE REJECTING HER TO MARRY. THEY ARE SEARCHING FOR MATCHES. WE ARE WAITING FOR DIVORCE. THEN WE WILL MARRY. ANY LEGAL PROBLEMS FOR US?
Love Guru answers, If you're waiting for her divorce to come through, there should be no legal issue. In any case, you're both old enough to make the decision to get married. Even if your parents are pressuring you, it's best you tell them to stop looking for girls as you don't intend to marry anyone else.
raj asked, Hi Love guru, I am a shy guy, not much interacted with the girls. At this moment my parents are looking for bride, but as i am average in looks, many of girls have rejected me. Iam facing problem while interacting with girls, as i get nervous(what needs to talk). Please let me know what to do in such cases
Love Guru answers, The best bet for people like you who have not interacted with girls is to behave with them like you would with a guy. Be comfortable, friendly and every time you break out in a sweat and get nervous looking at her, you should smile, put your mind to it and try to have a normal conversation.
MUTTHU asked, hi love guru. i have relation with one married women. we both are enjoying the life. her husband recently found my relationship. he was warned her. now i am planning stop the relationship with her. but she do not want to loose me. she is distrubing me. i want to leave for her husband only. what will do.
Love Guru answers, If she is in love with you, why doesn't she leave her husband? Or is it you that doesn't want to make a real commitment to her? If that's the case, you'd better end it. Or if you want to have a serious relationship with her, she should leave him. Obviously, you can't expect her husband to like or tolerate an affair.
priyanka asked, hi love guru iam girl of sibsagar i am in love a boy.i love so much.we got married but his father not accept our relation how can i married?
Love Guru answers, You said you got married and then you're asking how you can marry? Look, Priyanka, if he's not willing to accept you as his daughter-in-law it's not the end of the world. What matters is your marriage and how happy you and your husband are together. You don't have to live with his parents, do you?
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'My parents are only going by his credentials and saying no'
tanuja asked, Hi , I love n respect my parents a lot and dont want to ever let them down . However in the 5 years of my office career I think I made an excellent friend who is 2 years younger to me , is a rajput , is my junior unlike me who is a brahmin and senior in designation. He knows how to keep me happy n trust me a lot . when i hv problems i just rush to him. he cares n respects me n loves me a lot. Never has he crossed any line of decency with me. Now when i see my parents planning my arranged marriage i feel confused. I dont want to upset them at this age and I know maybe i cannot find a trustworthy guy like him ever. i dont want to hurt him too. as per my parents he is younger , diff caste , less qualified ,my junior so totally unacceptable :(
Love Guru answers, Tanuja, there will always be certain times in your life when your opinion differs from your parents. But it is up to you whether you want to let them take the decision of your marriage or want to make it yourself. Two years is hardly an age gap. And he is junior to you in the office because he's younger. I think the main problem is the caste issue. But you need to explain to them that you may be unhappy with a Brahmin boy even if he is your age and wealthy. While this boy will keep you happy even with what they perceive as his shortcomings. They're not willing to give him a chance, get to know him, nothing. They're going strictly by credentials. So it's up to you. Either resign yourself to ending this relationship or take a stand. Who knows, maybe in time your parents will grow to like him?
rakesh asked, am 32 yr old married hve one kid,fallen in luv wth marrd woman hvin one kid,i luv her intensely since since 3 yrs,now she has put me away from her life.i dun,t want to break up wth her
Love Guru answers, Rakesh, if one person wants to end things, that is it. You cannot force someone into continuing a relationship. I think she made the right decision, considering both of you are married. What about your wife's feelings, what about both your kids? Aren't they entitled to any happiness? Isn't it your duty to be a good husband and father?
joy asked, Hi LG. I am in love with a girl from Chennai. She is a Tamil girl from Chennai & she also loves me. But she is not ready to marry me as her father will not accept a non-Tamil guy. I am from North and so is the difference. She is a very conservative girl and does not want to disobey her father. Please suggest what do i do.
Love Guru answers, If she has clearly told you that she will not go against her father, why are you wasting your time? End it now. Or eventually you'll wind up more hurt than now, when she finally marries a man of her father's choice. And you'll have nobody to blame but yourself, because she's already told you that she will not go against him. So don't carry on like this in the hope that she will change her mind -- it's too big a gamble.
sandy asked, i am married, have kids. a junior girl from my office wants to have physical relationship. she is charming and 12 years younger than me. i am confused
Love Guru answers, Affairs are messy enough. Don't compromise both your family life and your career for a few minutes of excitement with a younger hottie. You can't even be sure that she's not doing this to further her career? Or afterwards she could blackmail you into doing her bidding at the office. Be a sensible man and remain faithful to your wife. And don't jeopardise your career either.
raj kumar asked, hi , LG. My working wife left me after 15yrs of marriage. We hv got one daughter 10 yrs old , she wants divorce ,not interested in daughter also.She wants DIVORCE .Tired all the means for 1.5 yrs She wants ONLY DIVORCE. Kindly advs the reason may be & soolution pl.Regards
Love Guru answers, I'm sure it must be very painful for you, but you need to let go. Divorce her and be a good father to your daughter, since your wife is not interested in looking after her. I sympathise with your situation, but for how long will you cling on? I think 1.5 years without changing her mind is enough to tell you she won't. And the more you coax her, the more adamant she'll become. But what you can do is explain to her that while you're giving her a divorce, the least she can do is try to do her duty as a parent. She's her daughter too, after all.
pams asked, hi LG,marrired gf dicthed me n dating wit another guy ,v work in same company ,i cant bear shall i change my job?
Love Guru answers, She was married anyway, so there was hardly a hope for your future together. If it's painful to watch her with someone else in the office, by all means, look for another job. But ensure that it's a sound career move too -- don't let your job suffer. Don't be in a hurry -- wait for the right opportunity.
'I slept with him many times, but he won't accept me'
ajay asked, i am in love with one girl from last 3 yrs, but bec my parents didnt agree and bec of thei emotional blackmail i married other girl. but till today we are loving each other and i dont have any in terest in marriage from day1. can u suggest
Love Guru answers, Ajay, your cowardly move has resulted in a blameless person being put in the worst position -- your wife. Thinking of your own interests is fine, but what about hers? She got trapped in a sham marriage because you had no guts to face your parents. If you have the guts to face them now, end the marriage and get together with your love -- and explain and apologise profusely to your wife for what you've done to her in the bargain. I don't think she will ever forgive you, but you owe her that much.
manoj asked, hi m 30 yrs was in love for 4 years with a coleague& we had physical relaionship also.But as she was divorced my parents refused to accept her & since i dont go against my parents i had to break the relations. Now it has been 2 years we have not met or talked. Now my problem is my parents r thinking of my marriage. I m confused what to do. I m afraid she & her parents doent take any action against it. Pl let me know LJ what shud i do.
Love Guru answers, Are you confused about not marrying her or are you scared that her family will blab about you using her? You're not very clear about it. But just read the reply to the previous question -- and make sure you don't land up in a similar mess!
hema asked, I had dash with him many number of times... but he s not ready to accept me? wat shld i do?
Love Guru answers, Hema, this man will only accept you in bed and not in marriage -- because you've given him what he wants, without asking for any commitment in return. Stop sleeping with him, girl, what's wrong with you? End it NOW. Either he commits to you, or the relationship -- which seems primarily physical to me -- is over.
CDEF asked, Hi LG, I am a married man. I was happy with my wife until i caught her romancing with one of her friends. This was going on behind my back. On confromting her first she tried to play down the entire episode but later accepted that she was really attracted towards that friend. She promised me that she would stop this. Since then although we are living together but i have lost my feelings for her. Recently i met with one childhood friend. We instantly made rapport. I am very much in love with her and it is very likely that she also loves me. I am a kind person probably thats the reason i dont want to break up with my wife but i dont love her either. I don't know what to do. Shall i divorce my wife to be with my newfound love?
Love Guru answers, Why did you remain in your marriage if you didn't want it to work genuinely? Look, either you forgive your wife and learn to trust her again, or then end the marriage. What's the point in living a lie? And this is a decision you should make regardless of your newfound love. But I will tell you one thing -- one partner cheating is no justification for the other doing the same. If your wife has ended the affair and trying to make things work, you're the one who is cheating now. It's easy to say 'she did it first' but if you couldn't forgive her, you should have walked out. Why didn't you?
deepaks asked, Hi Love Guru , I loved a girl when i was in school , she said she loved me but was scared of her parents. I left it at that but now I cant take her off my mind. I will die if I have to stop thinking of her. I dont want to approach her parents coz I am scared too. What should I do. I am soooooo in luv with her
Love Guru answers, You're claiming you're so in love that you'll die if you stop thinking of her, but you can't even muster up the guts to talk to her parents! Stop the needless drama and go talk to them, because if another guy does before you do and they approve, any chance you have will fly out the window!
vinodbhangalia asked, Hi LG, I have been married in 2003. Our family life is going very smooth..but whenever i sees girls and women i get exited...nd think about how to get them.. pls. advice me how to get rid this habit... pl. help me...
Love Guru answers, As long as everything is happening in your head and you're not actually taking any steps to act upon your feelings, it's under control. Fantasising is harmless enough, but by all means, control your urge to act upon your fantasies or your family life will be in very big trouble.
'Her family doesn't approve because my father runs a bakery'
ash asked, Hi Lg, I am in relation since last 3 years i want to know is physical relation is not important in relationship because i want that but everytime she is not intrested at some time for my happiness she's agree but not always i had talk on this with her several time but nothing works what to do?
Love Guru answers, Yes, physical relations do play an important part between couples, but you also need to strike a balance. If everytime you meet her you want sex, she's going to say no. Enjoy each other's company, take her out on dates regularly and enjoy physical relations in an equal mix.
aswin asked, Hi LG , am a s/w engineer and loved a girl who is my brother-in-laws sister, we were in love for 5 years and both our families accepted it partly.Devil came in the foem of astrologer and on seeing our horoscope it was said tat not even 10 matches found and if we marry against it someone would go ill and even may die.We loved each other and if i go against my lovers parents wish it will affect my sister as she is living over there.My family has started seeing better match for me but i feel i could have a peacelife i i marry the same girl i loved.She says she cant even imagine another guy in my place and i feel that i will commit a sin if i leave her and marry other girl.please provide a valuable solution.
Love Guru answers, It's sad that your whole future is compromised by what one man, who is no different from you or I, says so. But obviously your families believe in it, so here's the thing. You visit another astrologer -- and another, and another -- till you find one who can think of a way out of your predicament. It could be a ritual, pooja, anything -- anything that will buy your parents and hers peace of mind enough to let you go ahead with your plans. Or you could privately visit this astrologer who said no and try your best to persuade him to find a way out of this for you. I can imagine that life would be tough for your sister if you eloped -- so you need to think of that as an absolute last resort. Try everything else possible to ensure it doesn't happen.
ANIL asked, I had been in to relationship from 5 years , now all of sudden my partner has given up, due to not been able to get an approval from parents , and i was really shattered as i have already given a lot to this relationship , the only reason i know was that my father owens a bakery shop and ther parents had some problem with it .since last four months we had extreme fights on above given issue ,but nothing fruitful happen plz if you can suggest me something which will make my normal
Love Guru answers, They had a problem with your father owning a bakery shop? Really, how shallow can people get? Isn't the important part that your father makes an honest living, that you make an honest living? That you can provide well for their daughter? Shame on them. Your girl needs to see how wrong her parents are to take up on this and she should stand by you -- with or without their permission.
sha asked, Hi Lg, i am in relation with married women we are happy with each other but she is not ready to take divorce because of child she had a girl for her future she is not ready to do it but since we are in realtion she is only leaving with her husband to show the world she dose not have physical relation with her husband since last 3 year she tolds me each & everything daily should i trust her wheather she saying right or wrong? and is it possible to leave in married life without sex life since last 3 years?
Love Guru answers, Look, nobody can possibly know for sure what goes on inside a married couple's bedroom except the couple. You'll just have to take her word for it. And may I ask what you're doing in a relationship without a future anyway? How long will you keep sleeping with her? Till one day she says enough and goes back to her family and you realise that you've lost the best years of your life?
rethish asked, hi how ru, am 26 male single employed in good company, now a days am feeling very lonely like to have a partner in brief like to get married to a keralite girl is it right time or should i wait for some more years, i liked one girl but she is just a student of 12th standard and her parents also have no plan to do her marriage.is the right age for me to get married pls reply
Love Guru answers, It's the right age for you and you're saying yourself that you're ready to settle down, but it's certainly not the right age for her! She's only 17 -- a teenager. Were you ready to marry at that age that you're thinking about whether she is?
Love Guru says, Time's up, folks! See you here next week! Till then, all the best!