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'If I marry her forcibly, will it work out?'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on July 8 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, folks...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started, shall we?
UKNOWME asked, I am in a steady relationship for last 6 years now my GF is showing least interest in me what i found out that she is always going out with one guy from her work place and she ignores me So i am not sure how to move this relationship forward
Love Guru answers, You can't move it forward, you have to end it -- in fact, she already has. Don't waste time on a two-timing woman, after six years the least she could have done was inform you of her decision to date someone else and then move forward with it. This shows that she is not even sparing a second thought for you. Cut her out of your life. You're sure to find someone who appreciates you sooner or later.
himmesh asked, hi LG.my 28yr old working guy.i got engaged last week.i have 2 questions for u.first whether i shd b in touch wit my ex gf.previsously i had many gf.last month i broke up wit my ex but she still wants me to b in touch but i told i cant but i told we can b in touch thro mails but no msgs n phone calls.so my que is did i do right thing.secondly if my fiancee asks me abt my ex gf then shd i tell.cos she is very good and i dont want to hurt ger..kindly suggest
Love Guru answers, Himmesh, I don't think you should remain in touch with your ex, especially since it's been only a month since you broke up. Which makes me wonder why you were dating the other girl up till so recently and suddenly broke it off to marry someone else? It will be a messy situation, since she is obviously not over you. And yes, I'd suggest being honest with your fiance.
sunil asked, if iwish to marry a girl aged 18 without her wish and forcebilly with her parenys and my parents wish,shall i will mantained a good relationship with her through out my life.
Love Guru answers, What a stupid question! Of course not, why the hell would you want to force someone into a marriage she doesn't want? I think your parents and hers are both warped for trying to push her into this and if you have any sense, you'll talk to her personally and tell her you want to marry her and keep her happy but that you won't if she doesn't want to. At least she'll have some respect for you, even if she turns you down. Forcing her into it will have the opposite effect -- she will detest you even more for it.
yamraj asked, is it worth to marry a 4 years elder lady
Love Guru answers, Yes, it's hardly much of an age difference.
nisha asked, hey love guru, my bf is very aggressive what should i do?
Love Guru answers, Nisha, leopards seldom change their spots. You can try to get him to mend his ways, but that's a very long shot. Most likely he'll remain aggressive and if you don't want to put up with it, your only option is to walk out of the relationship.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'He speaks in another language to his parents, I don't know what's going on'
priya asked, Hi LG,I am married to my boyfriend.We had an intercast marriage. He is south indian and im maharashtiran.The problem is that sometimes when he talks to his parents in his mother tongue with loud voice as if they r arguing on some matter.He doesnt tell me .. i feel very confused and left out ,because i dont understand what r they talking about. When i ask him what r they talking about he tells like no nothing just general nothing serious ,it doesnt make sence whtever he tells me ....I am very sad and upset that He is hiding something from me.i dont know how to make him speak whats going on....May be his parents dont like me or what i dont know...sometimes i think that i have done mistake marrying him coz of this language difference ,which is causing misunderstanding. Due to all this im feeling very helpless.Please help me.
Love Guru answers, Priya, you need to tell your husband that you know there's something wrong with his parents and you'd like to know what it is, especially since you get the feeling that it pertains to you. Explain that even if they have a problem with you, you'd like to know about it so you can handle the situation accordingly. You're married now, he shouldn't be keeping secrets from you, no matter what they are. Just one word of advice -- whatever he's hiding, it seems like he is doing it because he cares for you and doesn't want to upset you. So don't become aggressive about it.
Rashmi asked, I love a girl, but she's in love with another guy who'se inturn apparently gay. What do I do ? I have feelings for this girl which just wont go away. I have talked to my parents and they are supportive of my lesbian feelings. How do I approach this situation ?
Love Guru answers, Hi Rashmi, I'm glad to hear that you have your parents' support -- they seem like sensible, broad-minded folks and you're lucky to have them. But, coming to your problem, this friend of yours is obviously not gay. That she's in love with a gay guy is immaterial -- she's not into women and that's the bottom line. You can express your feelings to her for peace of mind, but don't expect much of it. You need to find a like-minded woman to be with, not one who's attracted to men.
mithun asked, Iam in love with a girl.But the girl was in love with another guy,who hated her.He never had any feelings for her and completeley avoided her.So now she is hert broken and told her parents that she is ready for an arranged marriage.Meanwhile i proposed her,but she rejected me saying that,she knows that iam a good guy.but have seen me as a good friend.What should i do?Iam in bangalore and chennai,but still we speak over the phone.If i continue speaking with her on the phone in a good and friendly manner,later on will she change her mind.Is it worth trying,because i really love her and i wan to try my best
Love Guru answers, Mithun, you can explain to her that since she's opting for an arranged marriage where she doesn't know the guy anyway, why doesn't she give you, who she does know and is fond of, a chance? Tell her you can keep her happy and that since she knows how heart-breaking it is to not have the person you love love you back, she can at least think about giving you a chance. Leave it at that -- if she's not attracted to you at all and still says no, chances are slim that she will change her mind. But you can still remain friends, just don't expect anything more to come of it.
rajnii asked, hi am 37 yr old married lady having 3 school going children,due to jobs, me n my husband hve to live separately,am involve with my collgue unmarried,he is willing to mrry me,but i can,t do so.
Love Guru answers, The two of you live separately and you're involved with someone else. What is keeping you in this marriage? Either you make an effort to make a real go of things with your husband or then contemplate divorce, right? This situation is neither here nor there. How long can it carry on? And let me tell you, it's important above all other things to live together as a couple, else the relationship is bound to suffer. You can't be married long-distance.
anku asked, Hi Love Guru i want to know how to tackel the situation because in my personal life there is a lot of happening.I lost my parents some years ago.I got married and have two children.But i could't get what i want to become and this is becoming regular fight between me and my wife.Sometime i become very good and sometime i got frustrated.Pleasss help
Love Guru answers, I don't quite know what you mean by 'you couldn't get what you wanted to become', but I'm guessing you're talking about your career. But how long are you going to keep obsessing over the step in life that you missed out on? Learn to accept some situations gratefully instead of taking them out on your wife. Or you'll find that not only did you lose out on what you wanted, you'll lose out on your wife too.
New Boy asked, Hi!! Loveguru. I am single male and eager to go in relationship. The more I starts getting in relationships with gals. Gals just dump me. I don't do anything obscene but always wanted to be with them. In office, i try to do have gf but failed badly. Please tell me how to get girlfreind??
Love Guru answers, I think you're too clingy and needy -- that's a big turn-off to women. Nobody wants a man who wants to be with them constantly and is overeager to jump into a relationship. If you veil your desperation by not falling for every girl you see, your luck may change. Be friends with the girls you meet and no more -- don't even think of it. Only once a woman is comfortable around you as a friend will she think of getting into a relationship.
'He lied about everything just to get intimate with me'
surya asked, hi guru i loved a gal since school days and i could not tell her abt it as i din wanna distract her careerwise......but now she's committed to someone 1 else .........i have gotten over her but since she happens 2 be my first love sometimes i fear if i will be able to give the same amount of love if at all if i get into relationships ??????how do i get over such a feeling ??
Love Guru answers, Of course you will -- this 'first love' of yours is just a teenage crush, Surya. In fact, when you fall in love for real with a partner who reciprocates your feelings, the emotions will run much deeper.
danny asked, Hi Love Guru, im danny and i read ur transcripts regularly on rediff. My problem is that i have a steady gf for 2 years and both our parents dont approve of our marriage. During this time we fought with my gf and also with close friends regarding gf. Now my friends are not talking to me. They say i only care about gf and spoiling gf life and also theirs. Please let me how do i resolve this?
Love Guru answers, You haven't told me your age. If both of you are above 23 years old, I'd say that you need to seriously make a decision about the future of your relationship, whether or not your parents approve. As for your friends, apologise and explain the stress you're under because of the situation -- at least their support will help if not your family's. If you're still very young, I'd suggest leaving the decision-making for later, when you're more grown-up and know for sure what you want from life.
amarnath asked, hi love guru , i love my wife from the core of my heart but she doesnt love me, as i love her sometime i feel i am wasting my time she can never be mine i ve a kid and i dont want to live her and also i cant live without her so pls tell me what shud i do
Love Guru answers, Was she forced into marrying you? Has she always been distant and aloof from you? You need to talk frankly to your wife and explain to her that you can't carry on in the marriage when the love is so one-sided. Ask her what the trouble is and work towards addressing it. If she's completely unresponsive, you may consider separating. After all, how long can things carry on like this?
tuzilaadki asked, Hello love guru,Hello,i had a relationship with a guy. He was my online friend. He said that he was a system administrator and 25 yrs old etc.We meet each other last month and and got physically intimated.After that day he called me n revealed that he work in a cyber cafe and he is 22 yrs old Muslim. I am very upset about the fact that he lied to me all this while n also that he belongs to a different religion.He betrayed me and played with my emotions.Now am not able to trust any1.He says he loves me and wants to continue this realtion ship..what should i do now?pls suggest.
Love Guru answers, It was not wise to get physically intimate the very first time you met. That he belongs to a different religion is immaterial -- that he lied about it is not. Do not continue with the relationship -- he lied about his age, his vocation and his religion only in order to get you into bed with him and will probably try to string you along for as long as he can. Cut him off completely, if you want my opinion.
UmZs asked, Hi LG! One of my friend is interested in me. She has given so many hints that she wants to go ahead with a relationship. She many times had tried to come close physically also. I also want to go ahead with it but am scared of this relation working out. Shall I go ahead and make physical relationship with her? Will that give me clarity about this relationship?
Love Guru answers, It's not physical contact that gives one clarity about a relationship. You have to be compatible on a personal level and there has to be some inherent attraction to the opposite person on an emotional level too. Only then should you go ahead with the physical aspect of things.
narularaj asked, Hi LG, I am a married man and i love my wife very much but due to miscommunication our relationship is in breaking condition, she reached in court and falsely implicated in 498 case but i love my wife very much could u suggest what i do shall i give divorce or do something else
Love Guru answers, If she's accusing you and/or your family of cruelty that's hardly a light charge, Narularaj. What kind of miscommunication can lead to such a drastic step on her part? I suspect you're not telling me everything -- you can try talking to her personally and alone, without people around to offer their advice and opinions. Tell her you love her and want her back, that you don't want the marriage to end. But if she's adamant, you may have no choice in the matter.
'We were fine till my mother-in-law moved in nearby'
govind asked, Hi LG, i am married for the last 5 years and have never had a problem with my wife or she with me , my mil moved from delhi to here and started staying close to our place and now she gets on my nerves , due to this my wife and me started having fights with her supporting her mother , due to the constatnt fights between us , we have now decided to seperate and are thinking of a divorce , do you see any way out bcos she does not want to listen to any thing about her mother.
Love Guru answers, Govind, her mother was not living with the two of you, so it was silly to have become so irritable with her and fight with your wife about it in the first place. You need to understand that she's an old lady and her daughter obviously feels for her. A little tact may have gone a long way in preventing your marriage getting damaged to this extent. Try talking to the wife -- explain to her that you're sorry you were not more patient, but that she also has to understand that her mother can't be in the right all the time. She's human too and can make mistakes, just like you and your wife needs to judge the situation a little more objectively instead of remaining blind to her mother's faults. If she's open to this discussion, you may yet be able to save your marriage.
Sarathi asked, Hi Love Guru, Your advice has helped me in the past, that is why I'm posting a question once again... In college, my best friend was a girl and there was a very special relationship between the two of us. Now I am married and my wife does not approve of me calling her up or messaging her or meeting her. I do not do any of these in secrecy and tell my wife first. Yet she does not approve. What should I do ?
Love Guru answers, Sarathi, I don't think your wife appreciates that you accord another woman in your life so much importance, even if she is just a friend. No wife would, actually. I don't know what you mean by 'special relationship', but if at any point you had feelings for each other that only makes things more complicated. Why not bring your wife into the equation too? If you invite her home for dinner or take your wife with you when you meet her, it may help her get to like this friend of yours. It's good that you're honest with your wife about it, though. Don't ever make the mistake of lying to her about it or she will never trust you about it again.
yogis asked, Hi I am looking for a girl for arrange marriage.There is one girl who loves me like anything and I also Like her but I am not sure whether to marry her or not?What should I do.
Love Guru answers, Since it's an arranged match you're looking at, you either marry this girl who you like, or someone you don't know at all. I'd go with this girl, especially since you already have feelings for each other.
pramanik asked, me and my gf had been in relation for 5 yrs..we had differences and she broke up with me..then she started seeing another guy..and has a very good time..i then again strted to beg infornt of her and she kept talking to me and share the same comfort but in few issues its not the same anymore. i tried to leave her as she could not keep away from that guy...she is not in love with tat guy still she misses him too..she is actually in two minds and we both need help.
Love Guru answers, Pramanik, you should stop trying to influence her decision to get back with you -- let her make it for herself. I know it must hurt a lot, but she made a choice to break up, you said it yourself -- it was because of differences that you had in the first place. Even if she leavs the other fellow for you, who's to say those differences won't crop up again? Let her go for now -- tell her she's free to do what she wants. Let this play out naturally, if you're meant to be together she will come back to you. But forcing the situation by begging and pursuading has only a short-term effect. Just one thing -- once you do this, you're on your own for awhile. No chatting with her like before and remaining in touch. Give each other some space for awhile.
ankita1 asked, I am 24 and in love with a guy who is slightly younger than me. My problem is that every time we are on a date, he tries to get physical with me. I have told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I am not ready for all this, but he can't control himself, somehow. What should I do, I dont want to break up, I really love him.
Love Guru answers, There's nothing like 'can't control', it's more like 'won't control'. And with your accepting the situation, he's not going to try to control it either. Tell him firmly you're not yet ready to get physical, but will be once you're comfortable around him. And tell him that you don't want him crossing boundaries you've set in the meantime, else you'll have to consider breaking up. You can, however, show some affection by at least holding hands or hugging him, so he knows that you feel the same about him as he does about you.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people! See you next week, same time, same place and please do post your queries on the Rediff Love Guru Page -- become a fan today!