 | « Back to article | Print this article |
'Is e-mailing my ex a bad idea? I'm married'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on June 3 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey there, everyone...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
archana asked, i dont feel i love my husband...he is very practical,reserved and very calm person which i dont like
Love Guru answers, Archana, he's probably grown used to your cribbing about the relationship. Being reserved and satisfied with married life, he doesn't see why you would feel any different. You need to shake him up a little -- tell him you're becoming unhappy and dissatisfied with his inablility to express love. And why don't you make the first move? Express your love to him in a romantic manner and he will have no choice to respond in some way at least. Don't expect miracles overnight, but you can take the initiative -- book yourselves on a holiday, head out for a romantic dinner, be the aggressor in the bedroom. You'll draw him out of his shell.
richa asked, Hi LG, I m in a relationship with a guy from the past 1 year, we love each other very much. When the boy told his family about our relationship no-one is agreed and I don't want him and myself to go against our parents, I told him to whatever his parents are telling him as we both know that there is no future for us. The boy wants to be in touch with him if he or me marry to someone else also but i don't want to meet him now because whenever i see him my emotions get hurts and i only see love for me in his eyes and this makes me weak about my decision. Do you think i have done something wrong or what should i do?
Love Guru answers, Richa, there is no right or wrong here, exactly -- everything doesn't have to be black or white, there can be shades of grey too. You've obviously made your decision and it looks like he thinks the same way too. If you both have decided that there's no point in fighting for your relationship to have a future, then I think it's best you cut off contact. If you keep meeting and trying to be friends when you obviously care deeply for each other, nothing is going to come of it -- you'll both only prolong your misery. Better to end things completely and get some closure.
Nick asked, My girl is from a very conserbative family and her parents are just not happy with out marriage. The main reason they say is they cant wait till i settle well financially and their daughter is too old for marraige now. Both of us are 25 years old. Can u please help me as to how i need to go about setting things right as i cannot live without her
Love Guru answers, They seem to be pretty set in their ways, don't they Nick? I don't see how 25 is 'too old' for marriage by any standards. It's quite an old-fashioned, narrow-minded way of thinking. If you can, get engaged now to be married a couple of years hence. You could also have your parents approach them directly, they may be more inclined to hear what your family has to say and may be assured by their word. If they are still not agreeable to that, your girlfriend either has to abide by their beliefs and break up with you or then defy their orders. But that is a decision she has to make.
Nikita asked, Loveguru,I am fond of my friend . I have feelings for him but I am not sure whether he loves me or not. He cares for me and he is always there for me. Sometimes he behaves like he is my bf...How am i supposed to know he loves me genuinely...hez not even proposing me...i want him to confess me 1st that he loves me...or this is just a "friendz" love?
Love Guru answers, If he behaves like a boyfriend, I would say he's sweet on you. As for how 'genuine' his love is, there is no way you would know until you started dating him, is there? Also, I don't see why he has to be the first one to confess his feelings? Since you're so close, why don't you bring it up and ask if he has feelings for you, since that's the idea you get from his behaviour? That way you're asking without actually proposing to him and you'll have your answer.
jjr asked, my bf's parents r totally against our relationship. We might go ahead with registered marriage. But i know he's very attached to his family. how do i try and ensure that our decision doesnot harm his relation with them too much
Love Guru answers, It's certainly going to harm his relationship with them, at least for awhile. But he needs to drill it into their heads that this was a step he took independently, not because of pressure from you. Also, I would suggest you live separately from your in-laws, at least for awhile, since they are bound to be resentful of his going against their wishes and their resentment will be directed at you. But if you want him to maintain relations with his family, you have to do all you can to change their minds about you, even if it difficult for a time. If they're sensible folks, after awhile they'll come to their senses about the whole idea and accept you into the family.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'I love her, she won't even talk to me'
Monish asked, I'm in love with my senior collegue who is at least 5 yrs older to me. Is it ok to propose her. I'm confused. Even if I have to how do i do it?
Love Guru answers, Proceed with caution! It's not only your emotional wellbeing that you have to be concerned about, it's your career too. She's very senior to you and there is no way you can just pop the question out of the blue. That would be asking for trouble. If she's friendly towards you in the office, capitalise on that to become closer friends and eventually ask her out after office hours. But if you don't know her well enough, you can just feel things out by trying to be friends. If she doesn't seem interested, drop the idea Monish, because it's not worth the risk. Even if you did have a relationship and for some unfortunate reason it ended, it would be your career that would be impacted in some way too.
Asdfg asked, I am in contact ( email only ) with my X-GF after marrige .. is this a dangerous situation to be in ?
Love Guru answers, That depends upon what kind of relationship you had. Sometimes an ex is just a teenage crush which you grew out of and you can become friends again over time like nothing ever happened. If it was a serious relationship and hard to get over, it's best left in the past. Also, you have to be honest with yourself and see why you want to remain in touch with her. If you still have a soft corner for her, or she for you, then too it's not a great idea.
Sexbug asked, Hi! Luv guru.I am in apeculiar situation.My wife does not enjoy sex with me.I have 2 female colleagues in office who apporach me for sex.They are financially sound & offer me gifts.I too have a high sexual urge.Should I proceed
Love Guru answers, The first thing you should do is try to rectify the problem in your marriage, instead of looking to satisfy your urges outside. Why doesn't your wife enjoy sex with you? You need to talk to her about this and find out what the trouble is. If she needs to see a sex specialist or counsellor, that would be a good idea too. Else what's the point of being in a marriage where you are emotionally and physically estranged from your partner?
shima asked, Hey was in love wid my cusion for more den 10 yrs bt because of sum family problem it got break bt i lov him lot even he too,bt past days he is nt showin any importance to me what i hav to do plz help me na
Love Guru answers, What you have to do is ask him why he's showing a lack of interest in you. It's as simple as that.
dinu asked, Dipti: Hi LG, Iam in relation with one guy from 5 years, now we are planning to marry soon. my family was against the relation but iam adamant to marry him and now except my father everybody in the family has accepted our relation. Even he is determined but now i cant understand why he is delaying the marriage thing. he always say let me convince everybody and he believes in muhurat and all and now making excuse of that, pl. advice
Love Guru answers, Why don't you believe his reasons? At least trying to convince your father seems a genuine enough cause to delay the wedding a little. He may want to bring your dad on board to participate in the wedding. And if he believes in muhurat, set a date according to that. Only if you feel that he is deliberately delaying things and looking for excuses should you confront him and ask why he's not ready to get married right away. It could just be a matter of cold feet before taking the plunge.
Rajesh pl help asked, Hi, Please suggest me....I am 30 M from Hydrabad, I am a Hindu, but I like a girl from hindu but other cast...the girl says everything is her parents wish, she is not in a position to decide....I absolutely have no probs..should I go ahead for talks. please reply
Love Guru answers, What's stopping you from approaching her parents, in that case? Go ahead by all means. And if they're the conservative kind, I would suggest taking your parents along too, so they know that you're serious about things.
ttt asked, hi love guru . i m in love with a girl from last 2 yrs.she is my juniour in my clg.but she is so conserve in her gp that she even talk to boys.she doesnot want to talk to me but i really love her..how should i tell her that i love her so much..i alse have her number.should i call her aur talk face to face.
Love Guru answers, If she doesn't even want to talk to you, your chances seem slim, pal. But you can go ahead and try to make friends with her -- nothing to lose, at the most she'll say no. But if you try surprising her with a proposal, 99 percent you'll be shot down. She hardly knows you, why on earth would she say yes?
'My husband has not spoken to me for four months'
uep asked, am 38 yr old unmarried guy,hve so far change 6-7 gf ,all of them i had sexual relationship,but still i feel to find more.wt to do
Love Guru answers, Seems like you were more in those relationships for physical pleasure than emotional reasons. When you fall for a girl hook, line and sinker, you won't want to leave her and go looking for someone else. You haven't fallen in love yet, it's as simple as that.
ren asked, Hi LG i love a girl .proposed her 5 years back.Affter 2 years we had physical relationship.Throughout last 5 years i was sure that she loves me and that is why she had relationship.Now i feel she does not love me at all.SHE IS UNMARRIED of 30 years.I am of 45 years.She still wish to have phy.Relation.FOR THAT I do not agree.She all the time speak that i love you but i know this is not correct.I avoid her but she is not leaving me.pl. advice
Love Guru answers, If she's saying she loves you, what reason do you have for not believing her? And whatever your reasons, if you don't want to sleep with her anymore, what's stopping you from cutting off all contact with her? She'll have no choice then, will she?
katrina asked, hey love guru plz help me..the guy whom i like looks at me and then looks away when i look at him..does he like me..are there any chances?
Love Guru answers, Sounds like you both are extremely shy. Walk up to him the next time you catch him looking at you and ask him whether he'd like to be friends.
rakhi asked, Hi LG I m 25yrs old married (love cum arrange) for last 2 years. Since marriage, the married lie is highly unsatisfactory. He is different than wat he was b4 marriage. Highly egostic, possessive, short tempered with high expectations. Our ways of living, thoughs, likes and dislikes are very different. His family is also very orthodox. since last 4 months, we are not even in talking terms. He is not even eating the food prepared by me. We had vacated the rented house ( 2weeks back) on the pretext that he has been transferred out of station and i am staying with my parents. I have tried my best to find out why he is behaving like this but of no use. Before his leaving, I hv asked him to think whether to continue or not and let me know in couple of months. I know he will never make a call himself. Shall I wait for his call or make my own decision or shud I call him after a month to know his decision. Kindly advise
Love Guru answers, If you've not spoken for 4 months and he's not responding to your advances to make amends, I think you shouldn't tolerate his nonsense anymore. Call him, tell him that you're fed up of waiting for him to come around and if he prefers to fan his ego instead of trying to make the marriage work, you'd rather file for divorce. And don't wait two months to do it. Why should you wait for him to make a decision? Isn't your life at stake too? Do what's best for you -- end of story. You tried to make it work for four months. Enough. And if it does come to divorce, that shows that you're better off without someone like that anyway. You'd have to tolerate this for the rest of your life otherwise!
SANJ asked, i am married men I was working in good envoirment while working somebody like me. She can try to always look me . also she is married. in working place she tring to impresse me. i dont know why she look like that. but she is good helping nature. some body told she like me. what can i do ?
Love Guru answers, What you can do, is remember you are married and keep your mind on your work, where it belongs!
Vadiraj asked, I am in love with a guy who has all the bad habits but when ever he is with me he doesnt go with his bad habits. My parents doesnt like him for his bad habits. what i sould do
Love Guru answers, What bad habits are those? Is he a smoker or a drinker? If he's not excessively into either, I don't see why it should be a problem, even if they're not desirable habits. You should try to wean him off them. Granted that your parents have every right to disapprove, but as long as he's not obsessively into either, I don't see how they're going to affect his relationship with you. If, on the other hand, it seems like he'll never break free of them, expecially booze, you may want to rethink your relationship -- alcoholism can ruin lives. And smoking kills.
ishwar asked, after 10 years of marriage my wife has suddenly lost interest in me . I dont know the reason . affection between us is lost.I am in deep trouble emotionally and mentally. what may be the reason and how to solve the problem.
Love Guru answers, Has it happened suddenly or was it a gradual process? If it's been sudden, something particular is causing her to behave in this manner, in which case you need to confront her. If it's been gradual, ie been building over the years, maybe because you haven't made the effort to keep the spark in your relationship alive. So start making an effort to make her feel appreciated.
'He wants a pic of me in a miniskirt'
shasha asked, what shud i do if i fallen in love with a married guy and he alse loves me very much but whenever it comes to divorce his wife he is not ready for that what should i do
Love Guru answers, Move on. Because he's using you, whether he claims to love you or not. At the end of everything he will go back home to his wife and you will have invested years in the relationship only to find yourself alone. And you will have missed out on what should have been the best time of your life -- along with a marriage and a family.
jasmi asked, I was in love with a girl for many years but unfortunately we couln't marry.We were not in contact for last 13 years and settled with their families. But recently , we came in contact over phone and mail and in it she has written you the person still I want to talk with and I still love u. Now a days I feel heavily about her and want to have sex with her. If I try to gain a relationship now, will she allow to have sex with me . Also will it any way hamber both of our family set up.
Love Guru answers, It certainly will hamper your family life. Extramarital affairds tend to affect not just the two people in question, but their partners and children too. You should have stuck things out together if there was so much love between you, but since you chose not to, you owe it to your present partners to remain faithful to them.
indrani asked, hi love guru how are yu i hv a problem my parents fixed my marriage with 10 yrs senior man he is an NRI,he has peciluar demand he wants see me in mini skirt
Love Guru answers, That is a peculiar request, considering he hardly knows you yet. If you're comfortable with it, go ahead and send him a pic. If not, tell him you're not comfy with the idea of doing that and maybe at a later stage when you get to know him a little better.
mainsuni asked, love guru i love a girl she loves me too but i cnt forgive her for hiding her past with me...she had a 4 yr long tp relationship and some flings i did not..wht did i do..her nature is to go out n freak out with other guys..wht do i do..i do have other options but i like her
Love Guru answers, The important thing is -- while in a relationship with you did she keep you happy? Did you have any reason not to trust her? If you were happy and secure, her past is of no consequence. Granted, she shouldn't have hidden it from you, but I can see why she did -- you freaked out about it just like she knew you would. People grow up, they fall in love, they change. So stop judging her by her past and instead, judge her by the kind of girlfriend she's been to you. Also, don't think you're doing her any favours by doing that -- it's the right thing to do, the necessary thing to do when you love someone and they do everything possible to make you happy.
jiji asked, hi Boss:- I met one gal for marriage purpose only, very nice-sweet gal In first meeting i realised she is the once but gave some time to gal, we met ,talked at the end gal also said YES.but after few days she said her brothers girlfriend wanna meet me.i met both of them in CCD and after meeting she said NO.Shocking for me!! in mean while her parents started looking for other guy for her, but after one week she called and cried said..she like me and wanna marry me...i said okii..let me talk to ur parents ..i met her parents ,parents always in mine favour..and den again after few days she said NO coz bhai mna kar rha hai..:( 2 days back i again asked her..wat u want ,she said She is NEUTRAL now...kya kia jaye boss..preshan ho gya hu
Love Guru answers, She has no right to go yo-yoing back and forth on her decision like this and keep you hanging. Tell her you're too old for cat-and-mouse children's games like this and you're looking for a mature girl, capable of taking informed decisions. She's obviously not that type of person. Most likely, upon seeing that you're losing interest, she will say yes again and beg you to take her back. But only if you're a 100 percent sure that she means it this time should you relent. That and if you're really, really into her, because she seems pretty loopy if you ask me.
ashwistam asked, Hi i am in a relatiionship curently and we are in a livein ut she is not commiting for marriage and she always says that we have to break up someday as she is from a diff relegion and she dosent want to feel her parents sad ....our relatioship is perfect but she just wants it to be a secret ..how to handle this
Love Guru answers, Explain to her that it would be more fair to her parents if she told them the truth and abided by what she believed in, instead of sneaking around behind their backs and doing what she knows would hurt them even more. There's no point in her wasting your time by living with you when there's no future to the relationship. If she's already made up her mind that the two of you will break up, why is she with you like this? More than hurting them, I think she's scared of telling them. But she needs to take a decision -- either she sticks to you and tells them or then call things off. This is just a waste of time and the person who stands to be hurt the most by all this is you. Assure her that you will face her parents alongside and support her if she decides to tell them.
Love Guru says, Time to go, people...see you again next week, same time, same place! Till then, goodbye and good luck!