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'Should our kids follow my wife's religion or mine?'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on March 25 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey, everyone! It's time for the Love Guru chat once more -- so let's get started, shall we?
john asked, Hi guru, i have sex with around 4 girls regularly, with out condon, i **** them every wek, and i knoe very well they have sex only with me, do i get any disease, can u plz advice
Love Guru answers, First of all, you should learn to use decent language! If you have a sexual relationship with four women and you're not using protection, you're being downright foolish. You may claim to 'know very well', but the truth is you never really know who's cheating on you -- just like they don't know you're cheating on them! And even if they are being faithful, who's to say they can't have contracted some STD from an ex-boyfriend? Besides risking your health, you're also risking the chance of an unwanted pregnancy. Even if you have 100 sexual partners, that's your business -- but if you're not using protection, you're asking for trouble.
ab asked, HI loveguru. i m a teenager infatuated by a 35 year old unmarried woman . i cant talk to her.. what should i do
Love Guru answers, It's rather common to have teenage crushes on elder women, but I would think you're better off pursuing someone your own age. She's approaching middle age and you're not even an adult yet. Years from now you'll look back at this infatuation and laugh. But for now, leave it at daydreaming and start hanging out with pretty young girls closer to your own age -- you'll forget her soon enough!
Nidhi asked, I am in love with a guy 4.5 years younger than me.i am 29 he is 25.How do i tell this to my parents who are forcing me to marry.He is the only guy i have ever had in my life.I belong to a conservative family and no one in my family has had a marriage outside our community.And to add to the woes, the guy is younger to me.I dont wish to marry or have any other guy in my life.I can wait for him.I donno what to do?I want all of them happy which unfortunately i cant seem to find a way out.Please help me
Love Guru answers, I don't think the age gap is so big as to create problems in your relationship at all -- in fact, if it was the other way around it would be considered ideal, so really, there's no real trouble there. Except for your parents refusing to see it so reasonably. Now if you both have decided you want to stay together, I don't think waiting endlessly is going to help matters -- you're both of a reasonable age to marry. You can try talking to your family and convincing them, but if it doesn't work out after awhile, you'll just have to go ahead without their permission. Question is, is your boyfriend willing to do the same thing for you if his parents don't approve either?
hin asked, If a Hindu guy and Christian girl gets registered marriage (without any religious rituals). Kids born to such parents would fall under which religion? I asked this question since my mum wants my kid to be in Hindu while my mother in law wants the kid grow up under Christianity. And also in school admission and other legal documents what religion do i mention for my kid. I am helpless. kindly help me!!!
Love Guru answers, Instead of letting your parents get involved in a tug of war over which faith your child should follow, I think it's a decision you and your wife should make. Talk things over with each other and put aside everything except what makes sense for you to do personally as parents. Sometimes religion means more to one partner than the other, in which case the less religious-minded parent can gracefully allow the more enthusiastic partner to initiate the child into his/her faith. Another option is allowing the child to make the choice after he/she has been exposed to the best of both faiths. Acceptance into the community with one parent from another faith is something else you should see. Remember, at the end of the day it's more important that your child assimilate the best of both parents' communities and enjoy the cultural variety -- his/her actual observance of the religious teachings in day-to-day life is more important than merely a slot on a form where he fills in his religious background.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'I caught him chatting with a girl and called off our marriage'
ABC asked, I was seeing two girls ("A" and "B") for marriage through an arrange marriage process. I chatted with A for three months and we both liked each other, though my family vetoed for her and I (under pressure) said yes for B. Once 'A' went out of my life, I realized that I have strong feelings for 'A' and don't have feelings for my fiancee, though its wrong to have feelings for A when you are engaged. My and fiancee's family are quite reputed and thus any call-of of engagement would hurt both family badly and thus my family is strictly against telling anything about this to my fiancee's family. I if think, rationally, both girl are good to marry though "A" would have been better. Marriage is in 2 months and I am not sure if I can come out of it completely within that time. My problem is what to do (a) break the engagement go back to "A" (b) Forget "A" try best for my current fiancee (c) Tell honestly to my fiancee's family about current situation and ask for more time.
Love Guru answers, You were stupid to succumb to your family's pressure and say yes to another girl in the first place. Now, if you go ahead with the wedding you will only be succumbing to their pressure further and remember, once you're married, getting out of this will be 100 percent harder than now. If you think you can forget about 'A' entirely and make a fresh start with 'B', go ahead. If you can't and you're only doing this because you're being pressured into it, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. The worst part of everything is that you've plainly stated you're not at all attracted to 'B' -- if that is the case, how do you expect the marriage to work? I would say first discuss it with your own family and say that you're not going to bow to their pressure just to create a perfect picture in society -- this is your whole future you're talking about. Second, tell 'B' the truth and apologise for what has happened -- it's up to you to be a man and face her family and own up to the facts. And all this, of course, is assuming that 'A' is still willing to take you back after how badly you left her in the lurch.
Diya asked, hi lg,i love a guy whom i met on the net b4 8 yrs ,we used to chat online and email each other.i called him twice n he seemed to be very calm and composed boy n i liked him very much.one day i proposed to him and told that i love him but he said he already have a girl friend and considers me as a friend only.i was shattered n since then i never speak to him again. i love him very much and cant live without him ,im not able to forget him..pls tell me what should i do ?
Love Guru answers, Diya, you've never ever met this guy. How can you be in love with him if you've never even met him? And this 8-year infatuation has taken its toll on you, because all this time when you should have been out meeting guys and enjoying dates, you were cooped up at home chatting on the computer! Put things into perspective -- this guy has been nothing more than an online buddy, so stop glorifying your crush as real love. And don't waste 8 more years doing the same thing -- get out there and find someone who's more interested in meeting and hanging out with you than just typing away!
poison asked, Hey LG, I am a married guy. I m 30 years old and my wife is 25. My wife is very orthodox and I am not. Because of that..we both are frequently getting into fights. I have been telling her not to involve me into that but she is not listening to that. Now, I have started liking another girl because of this. Cud u please help me in this matter. Thanks.
Love Guru answers, Tell your wife that you cannot be influenced by her thoughts, just as she cannot be influenced by yours. Either you accept each other as you are, or then the marriage is not going to work. Explain to her that you're so sick and tired of fighting that you're finding yourself looking for attention from outside and that's not something you want to pursue. You need to ensure that she gets your point -- you're not threatening her with an affair, you're speaking the truth and that desperation is driving you to it. It is up to her to get your point and make her peace with your values, or else the relationship will break down very soon.
bcci asked, hi there...i ws dating this guy from last one year.we were committed and decided to marry. we both met each other's family.but this guy was into girls big time. his facebook was full of girls and when i used to ask him that do u meet them with these girls he use to say no and use to tel me that v just chat, we have never exchanged numbers also. but i spied on him and caught him talking to a random girl at 12.30 in the night. i broke up..
Love Guru answers, Okay, I'm not saying that there's no truth to what you may be saying, but you seem pretty paranoid and insecure. Female friends on Facebook are hardly a reason to be suspicious -- how often do you meet all the guys on your social networking account? Not very often, I'm guessing. At least you should have asked him who he was talking to and what he was talking about before making such a hasty decision? I'm not saying your suspicions may be completely unfounded, I'm just saying you're overreacting slightly without any real proof of anything being seriously wrong.
'Everyone mocks me for being a virgin'
skk asked, i m gay and married to a female...im very sexually inclined and when i dont get sex with man i go under depression and im being treated under a psychiatrist as well...i have to have sex with a guy and cant divorce ..my wife knows im gay...pls guide i also have a 10 yrs old girl
Love Guru answers, You're in a seriously dysfunctional relationship. Your wife may know you're gay and may even have accepted it, but she certainly can't be happy about it. You're not happy because you're leading a life that's a lie. Two unhappy people together because of societal norms and family pressure -- does that sound like a marriage to you? Your sexual desperation probably stems from being stifled in this situation. Your wife deserves a man who loves her and you deserve to live the life you want to. Being unhappy together is hardly an environment in which to bring up your daughter. Your wife and you can separate amicably and start living the way you both want to. You can still be discreet about being gay, but at least you'll have the freedom to live your life the way you want to.
dhun asked, hey LG, my brother got engaged a month back and since then his wud be mother in law has already called up twice to complain that my brother doesnt talk much and the girl keeps crying all the time. Her mother said to my mum that I know he's not seeing anyone else! I was very surprised when mum told me about this because, I feel if the girls mum is interfering so much in a months time, how would it be later when they get married? I know that as a mother she would be worried if things are not the way they want. But a months time and few meetings shouldn't lead to complains.. My brother takes a while to get along and talks only that is needed. He's been meeting her every weekend(as they live in different city) and talking over the fone everyday and i don't see why complain about such small things. And the girls family is very talkative.. I am little worried about the situation, what are your thoughts and what would you suggest on this situation?
Love Guru answers, Your mother should explain to her that it takes a while for your brother to open up to people and to give him a little time -- he's the quiet type. Also, if they are having issues, your mum should hint that they should work it out between themselves without interferance. If she refuses to interfere a couple of times, his mother-in-law will get the hint.
Ruchi asked, I am a virgin, and i feel everyone around me is mocking at me being a virgin.Although i know that they are just want me to be like them which i dont wat.How do i cope with this pressure?
Love Guru answers, Ruchi, if they're mocking you, it's probably out of a sense of shame about their own sexual promiscuity. The next time someone brings it up, tell them plainly that you have not been deeply in love enough with anyone to have had sex yet and you're not so desperate as to jump into bed with just about anybody. Reverse the pressure -- let them feel the pinch, because you certainly shouldn't!
Soham asked, Hey Love Guru I m 39 year old married person having wife & 1 son. During net chatting I found one lady @ germany & we regularly doing sex-chat & became companion. Now she got married & I have no regrets & we are now good freinds. She even takes so many tips from me for keeping her married life happy & entertaining She also takes sexual tips from me . From my bottom of heart I feel I m chaeting my wife. But I still believe that in reality I won't do any affair as I love my wife very much....... Is it betrayal? Pl. advise.
Love Guru answers, It is betrayal, Soham -- wouldn't you feel betrayed if you found that your wife was having sex chats with another man, even if she actually didn't have physical relations with him? You've crossed a line -- emotional betrayal is sometimes worse than physical.
'She keeps checking up on me and nags continuously'
hhh asked, hi loveguru my gf doesnot trust me and she keeps on checking my mobile and she nags and pesters me a lot even during my office hours ..i dont know what to do she threatens me if i tell her to go her way .. plz help
Love Guru answers, Call her bluff. Tell her that if she doesn't have enough self-confidence and faith in your love not to keep checking up on you, you don't want to be with her. It's demeaning and irritating and if she's threatening you, just confront her threats and make it clear that you won't tolerate it anymore.
luvGuy asked, I have a very unique problem. I met one girl through a marriage portal, we both fell in love, later her parents did not approve it due to caste. and she is introvert and i could not understand her inner feelings properly. as time passed we invloved in physical also and she felt bad about it and started putting blame on me for this failed relationship. i tried very hard but could not succeed. then finally we broke up in 6 months back. All of sudden she called me and said wants to meet me. i met her when she said she is unable to forget those moments of getting physical and thats killing her every moment and stopping going ahead with any other guy for marriage. she wants to know why i did that, i dont have any answer apart from this that it was not intentional and feelings were involved.. now i am also getting disturbed and unable to concentrate on anything. i want to help her, i still love her and if she says i am still ready to marry her, but dont know how to proceed... URGENT, plz answer!!
Love Guru answers, Tell her how you feel -- that you slept with her because you loved her, that you still love her and that you'll marry her if she wants to get married too. Also, you need to explain to her that she cannot blame you for taking advantage of her because you love her and it was something she did willingly -- it's not like you coaxed or forced her into it. Moreover, you can assure her that no man she marries can ever tell whether she was a virgin before or not.
Roshan asked, hi LG , i was into a relation with a girl for 9 years..she statrted seeing other guy after she went into a college. i am working right now. i want her to be back in my life.we are not in contact right now and it's been 4 months that i have not heard her voice. we are into a long distance relationship since 2007. i want to forget her but not able to do so . even if she comes back i'll accept her but don't know .will it ever haapen? the other guy is her class mate. please guide me.
Love Guru answers, Stop waiting in the wings for her and playing second fiddle. Long distance relationships are hard and since it's already been four months, I think you should move on with your life. Don't hang around to be used as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong in her life -- remember, she kicked you to the curb for someone else.
Love Guru says, Time to go, folks! Catch you next week, same time, same place! Till then, take care and all the best!