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'His new girlfriend told me he's left me for her'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on October 28 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat...let's get started!
sweitu asked, i will be going on my first date this weekend, what are the five main things i should keep in mind
Love Guru answers, Don't try too hard to make an impression -- just be yourself. Try to make sure there's an equal exchange in conversation, don't do all the talking. Make sure you don't ask very personal questions right away. Don't fiddle with your cellphone constantly, it's a big turn-off. And just enjoy yourself! Also, don't choose a place where there's no scope for conversation, like a movie or a discotheque...a nice dinner to talk and get to know each other is best.
raghu asked, my gf insists on paying for her dinner when we go out, what does tat means? we have only started seeing each other recently and are not sure how far we will go
Love Guru answers, That means she doesn't want to freeload off of you, which is a good thing, isn't it? Don't read too much into what it means, because you've only just started seeing each other. But if you don't like splitting the bill, take turns.
kums asked, Hi..I aksed the question last time as well...pls answer atleast now...I had a very very bad a and terrible relationship which drained me emotionally....I am now back on my feet...I found a girl who also underwent similar experiences and we discussed abt i..Now i am attracted to her..But because of past experience ,i am vv afraid to even talk to her..But i have feelings for her...pls guide
Love Guru answers, I answered you last time -- you should pay more attention to the answers! This is what I said: Why did you suddenly stop talking? There must be a reason behind such a move? And if you're attracted to her, stop wasting time and let her know. Leave past bad experiences in the past -- she's been through what you went through too, so the situation is not likely to repeat itself.
janak asked, hi LG.. i have marid before 4 years.. my wife is nt interest in sex at all..since i m noermal human i expect to have strong sex relation wid my wife.. we have been to all medical check up,medicine even god pray didnt work..i m in depress.. i love heer lot but dis condition force me to build sex relation ship wid oder gal.. wat shud i do?
Love Guru answers, You don't need medical help, you need a professional counsellor to help you and your wife through joint sessions of couples' therapy.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'My wife loves me, but she doesn't love my parents'
pankaj74 asked, i am not interest in talking to girls but i want to remove this attitude plese help
Love Guru answers, Why force it? As and when you are interested, pursue it -- till then, no need to pressure yourself as nothing will come of it.
nagaraj asked, hi love guru i wam loving her from deep of my hear but from yesterday she is not picking up my call the reason is behind this is actually my cell was on vibrate mode so i didnt see her call as iwas taking bath i had 5 missed calls from her number she tells me that i am with some other girl which is far from true sir but from yesterday i am calling her she is not picking call she tells that iam fraud, nich papi, 420 and all of that she tells that have you eeen your face in mirror now from mornig i called her she not pick call now what to do sir please tell me without her everything seems to be lost for me
Love Guru answers, She's being quite a fool. Send her a firm message that you've had quite enough of her nonsense and if she's hellbent on behaving like a child and has so little trust in you, she should just forget the relationship. That should make her sit up and take notice -- if she still doesn't, forget her. You would be miserable in the long run if you had a relationship with such an insecure, suspicious woman.
nisha111 asked, Hi,i had been in a 7 year realtionship wid a guy...last year he went to us..n we used to talk on phone n internet..but one day i found on his facebook account that a gal was commenting on his pic...she was more than friendly wid him...i asked my bf he said no she is not my gf..but wen i called him...that gal started messaging me on fb tht my bf is going around wid her..n dont come between us etc etc...n wen i was calling him..tht gal was sending me message on facebook tht stop calling him he wont pick up d phone...whtever u wanna say say it here on message..tht day i called him so many timess ...but he didnt answer..n tht gal said so man wrong things to me..i was totally shattered...n after tht day we did not talk n everything got over ...but i m unable to forget alll dis..wht shud i do?
Love Guru answers, I can understand how deeply you've been hurt by this, but the truth is, it's your spineless jerk of a boyfriend who has let it happen. Instead of doing the honourable thing and telling you he met someone else and that he's sorry to end things with you, he decided to take the easy way out -- let her tell you and insult you. I know it's shattered you, but he's a creep. There is no way she would know he's not answering your calls or operating his FB account unless she was with him. I know you need closure, so send him an e-mail telling him you're disgusted with his cowardly behaviour, that after seven years the least he could have done was have the guts to tell you himself and as far as you're concerned he deserves a third-grade, interfering gal like he has now, because he has no spine. He's using hers. And that's it -- you don't wish to hear from him again. Cut him out of your life. Even if he comes back a few months down the line, cut him off. You are better off without him. Trust me -- anyone who would do this to a partner of seven years has no scruples -- don't ever fall for the 'confused' and 'didn't know how to tell you' BS. You'll meet the right guy when it's time. He's not it.
subodh asked, hey lg i recently had break up with one grl i loved her truly but she said now to me tht lets finish off all and i dont wana be in contact with u wht should i do it was my first luv now i cry a lot tell how can i cope up with this situation??? kindly help me
Love Guru answers, A little crying is good -- it helps vent your frustration and hurt. I know you're upset, Subodh, but you cannot force her to stay in the relationship. It's better that you make a strong effort and move on. First loves seldom make it all the way, you're not alone in losing yours. Keep your chin up, you'll meet someone else and years from now, you may even be able to look back at this phase in your life and smile, remembering how it was to be young and in love.
DeepakGupta asked, I was in college when this girl I really liked rejected me. It's been four years, I've met and dated other women but I just can't seem to get her out of my head. Is there something wrong with me?
Love Guru answers, Yes. You're stuck up on her because you want to be, no other reason. For some people, it's the person they can't have that they want the most. In the meantime, others who really care for them come and go from their lives and they don't notice, because they're hung up on that one person, who doesn't give two hoots about them. Maybe some of the women you've dated have been better than her in every way, but you didn't notice, because you kept thinking of her instead of paying attention to them. Till you don't take her off that pedestal in your mind and realise she's just another woman, you'll continue like this. And it's obvious you're not giving 100 percent of an effort to whoever you've dated so far.
Parag asked, Hi My wife loves m alot but she dont love my parents. and thats hurt me always. I tried to explain her many time but she dont understand this. Now a days she is acting like fighter . what should i do now....
Love Guru answers, Have you tried explaining to your parents, Parag? That maybe they should accomodate her too? Love for in-laws isn't a switch you can turn on when you marry someone -- it has to be earned. Are your parents doing enough to earn her love and respect? Maybe if they make an effort, she will reciprocate. At the same time, you have to encourage her to try and adjust to them, because they're old and used to a certain way of life. Compromise on all sides will bring success. Just telling your wife to listen to your parents and love them is not going to help. Instead, it will only aggravate the situation.
'My hubby is posted at the border and has rarely been home in the last 11 years'
nichima asked, my hubby is posted on the border and has rarely been visiting home for the past 11 years, and i think i'm falling in love with the friends of my son. do you think it is logical and morally correct?
Love Guru answers, I can understand your loneliness, but I don't understand being attracted to men as young as your son. I know army wives have it hard with their husbands away, but soldiers do get leave and time to spend with their families. So why is meeting your husband that rare? It shouldn't be. As for this attraction towards youngsters, don't act on it -- not only will you ruin your marriage, you will damage your relations with your own child.
sakku asked, im 34. i got a friend of late who is 30 and has 2 kids. our friendship is 100% serene. but somewhere i feel over attached to her. i see some kinda divinity in her.(not an excuse). i become insane on days when she cannot talk to me
Love Guru answers, You're falling in love with a married woman. And that's not a good situation, my friend. You may think your love is pure and I don't doubt that it is, but the situation is complicated -- she is married. I would urge you to either end the friendship before things get messier, or then control these feelings enough to get over her. Although I doubt the second is really possible for you, given that you can't go even a day without talking to her.
engaged asked, Hi LG, I recently got engaged. Its arranged marriage. She stays in different town. I have met her 3 times after engagement. I am not able to express my feelings to her. She thinks that I don't love her. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, Don't have the guts to say it to her face? Write her a love letter or an e-mail expressing how you feel about her. And try to muster up a little courage to talk to her about it too in time, because she's going to be your wife!
Pavi asked, Hi LG, I am going to be married soon! How to find & know that Girl is not having any affair before?
Love Guru answers, Stop trying to sniff around like a detective, because you're not one. Best way to know is to ask her and accept it as her past. Any girl who is honest with you about it is trustworthy.
ruchita asked, Hi Love Guru, Thanks for answering my question last time, my parents are looking for a suitable match for me, but my past experience has left me with little respect for boys. Also even if I do get married should I let my husband know about my past relationship given the fact i had gone a bit far with my boyfriend. All these thoughts are making me crazy. please help once again. Thanks
Love Guru answers, I would suggest telling the men you meet by way of arranged marriages before you marry, not after. Only proceed with someone who is open-minded enough not to let your past affect him. Finding out after marriage would make any husband feel cheated or short-changed.
Pavi asked, @loveguruji- bt i want to marry girl who love to only me... past & present too..
Love Guru answers, It's quite unreasonable to expect a girl to have loved you before she met you, in the past! You seem like a pretty narrow-minded man to me. What, you've never had feelings for any girl before, ever? If you want a sati savitri who keeps her eyes on the ground and walks two steps behind her husband, you've been born a couple of centuries too late my friend!
'Should I give my marriage one last try before the divorce is finalised?'
nagaraj asked, she tells that love guru that tum dar dar ke tokar kate ho zindagi bar bhik mangte rahoge now should i call her as she is not picking my call or wait tillshe only calls and if i dont call also no she tells till theses days whenever there was a dispute you were calling now you are not
Love Guru answers, What did I just tell you? I said send her a message saying you've had enough of her nonsense and that if she wants to behave like a child, she can do it with someone else! But no, you keep calling! Have some self-respect, man! Put her in her place -- show her you've got some backbone!
mukesh asked, hi love guru i met somebody thru matri site and had couple of meetings with her and everything was fine goin untill because of her 1 reaction ,and in the heat of moment i said no to her in the night and i got reply from her also in 30 mints exactly same.the girl is self dependent so do i,next morning i realised my fault and asked my frnd to call her up and she said she had made her mind -- no to me. whta shd i think
Love Guru answers, Stop making friends call. Call her yourself and tell her you think you made a mistake and you'd like to apologise. I could help you a little more if you told me what the argument was about and what her reaction was like. In any case, a third meeting is hardly the time for a heated argument -- if you got into one so soon, maybe the two of you really are not compatible.
monabanger asked, nichima - you traitor! While your hubby is protecting the country, you are thinking of betraying him? How can you even think about it??
Love Guru answers, Listen, lady. Don't you go pointing fingers in my chatroom, because you're not here to judge! Yes, people show poor judgement sometimes and they make mistakes, they mess up. But till you've been in the same situation, you have no right to play the self-righteous, all-knowing pompous pumpkin! Do you know what it's like to see your husband for two months in a year or less? For over a decade? That would mean they've spent less than two years in each others' company! Can you imagine the loneliness and frustration, bringing up a child alone? Wouldn't you yearn for companionship? Yes, her feelings are misleading her, but that is what I'm here for -- not you!
prabhat asked, There were situations where i had to take a divorce , but now i realize that had we got some time , we would have made it. i love her , but i am scared of her response as she is very strong in will power and it was she who asked for divorce. should i establish connection again or move ahead in life
Love Guru answers, At the most, she will say no. You're already losing your marriage, what will you lose just by approaching? At least you'll know you gave it that last shot.
sunny asked, Hi LG,I am 28 yrs and I love a girl in my office who is 21. I proposed her 1 month back, and she told me dat she needs time to think on our relationship. A close freind of her told me dat she likes me, but afraid because of age gap. what to do, i really love her and also want her to be my wife.
Love Guru answers, It's not that much of an age gap, but if she thinks it is, are you willing to wait till she's a little older? Talk to her directly and explain that you don't mind waiting awhile, if that's what she wants.
Love Guru says, Time to go! See you guys next week, same time, same place! Till then, take care and post your queries on the Rediff Love Guru Page.