The dating series: Hazards of wooing a doctor!

As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion. Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

Well, hello again!

You're rather a hardy soul, aren't you? Here we've been narrowing the chances of you ever finding a life partner week after week -- we're guessing you've already crossed journos, models and IT geeks off your list -- but you're still coming back.

Now, either you're taking our expert advice with a boulder of salt big enough to flatten a BP patient permanently, or you're so desperate for love that in spite of us leading you down the road to a permanently dysfunctional relationship, you're eager to listen. Pathetic.

Anyhow, speaking of blood pressure, ever noticed how the very mention of George Clooney in his white coat, way back from his ER days still causes women to swoon?

They're hoping that when they come to, it'll be hunky Dr Doug who's brought them back with the kiss of life, only to find that it's actually Dr Mehta -- an octogenarian who's undergone three by-passes and got one foot in the grave. The only reason he's still around is because he can't lift the other one into it -- his knees are so rickety they sound like castanets.

But let's move on from poking fun at your family physician (that's all that's gonna poke him at his age anyway).

This week, we present: The Hazards of Dating a Doctor. And you'll find that maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be!

1. You'll constantly end up alone and won't have the right to get mad about it

'There goes that Mrs Khanna! Her daughter is supposed to be dating a heart surgeon, so she thinks she's got a lot to be smug about. Thinks she's better than us, the ol' bat...'

Sure, when you're dating a guy in a white coat, the ol' bat -- er -- your mother may revel in the envy of all her kitty party friends.

It feels great to know that you've landed a catch and that people are envious of you, doesn't it?

Well, you better enjoy it, baby, because that's all the fun you're going to have.

See, most nights it'll be just you and his spare stethoscope for company. When you're a doctor, you're on the job 24/7.

And while you may have planned a meticulous date for weeks, burning his favourite songs onto a CD and burning your fingers trying to cook him a gourmet meal, one call from someone who had one prawn too many for dinner is all it will take. He'll be out the door in a flash.

And what are you gonna do -- get mad at him because he's out saving lives? Didn't think so.

Also better get your party line ready: 'My boyfriend's a doctor'. He's never going to be attending with you, so that's the best way of letting people know why you're flying solo.

Because a hospital is hardly a place where you can land up with chocolates and flowers, unless the former are sugar-free and the latter say 'Get well soon'.

You'll be surrounded by people needing medical attention and your partner will be busy attending to them. So no, you can't wait outside the operating theatre dressed to the nines, waiting for your doctor girlfriend to emerge from it.

Between women in labour screaming out profanities at their hapless husbands and senior citizens refusing to take their prescribed meds, she's going to have her hands full.

And the last thing she needs is for you to be beaming upon the chaos like some demented Mr Sunshine, trying to lighten up her day. She'll probably bite your head off when she gets home later -- much, much, much later. Come to think of it, it'll be so much later, maybe she'll forget you ever visited.

'Sweetie, I think I'm running a bit of a temperature, can you take a look?'

Now, when most of us are a little down, we pop a Crocin and get to work. What we don't need to know is that the inside of our mouths looks like we forgot to wash out the toothpaste, that our pressure is on the lower side and that we've had a mysterious rash on the butt for a week now.

But that's just what you'll get from your personalised Dr Doug. A professional evaluation. The full treatment. And it's a vicious cycle.

Soon, you'll find something off about yourself every few days and you'll keep having him check you out -- not in a good way. It's no fun playing doctor-doctor when it's quite so literal, if you catch the drift.

As for those of you who have always been hypochondriacs, you won't need a doctor anymore, you'll need a shrink. For the rest of your life you'll be worrying about catching germs that your boyfriend brings home from work -- because being around ailing people all day can hardly be healthy!

As long as you're dating a doctor, that damn mobile is never gonna stop ringing. Ever. Unless it's switched off, in which case someone's health may be severely compromised. Do you want that on your head? Huh? Do you?

Picture this: You're taking in the beauty of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, having finally gotten away from it all (yup, docs are loaded, even if they rarely get a chance to enjoy it). Suddenly her phone is ringing away for all its worth and it's a frantic mother from back home -- the colour of her baby's poo is three shades darker than it should be.

While the aroma of freshly-baked croissants tickle your nostrils, the graphic conversation that ensues has you going green in the face. It's over in about 15 minutes and you both head for a nearby vendor, but once your plate is in your hand you look down and see...

Sigh. You may as well get her a ringtone that you enjoy and resign yourself to your fate.

Remember how you were so enthused at the thought of dating a doctor when you first met your man?

Well, so is everyone else who meets him.

Because a medical health professional is a catch -- and all's fair in love and war.

Now, you already know you can't visit him at the hospital, where sexy nurses are probably hitting on him every chance they get.

And at the few social gatherings he does attend with you, the ladies will all be listening with rapt attention to the time he helped cure a blind puppy even though he's a people doctor, because he loves animals. And they'll be shooting daggers at you.

You're going to have to fight them off with sticks and the stress of it all is going to get to you.

'Sweetie, I don't feel so good...' Here we go again!