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The dating series: Hazards of wooing a lawyer!
As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion. Illustrations: Dominic Xavier
Welcome back to our dating insights where, week after week, we're steadily narrowing any chances you may have of finding everlasting love (no need to thank us).
Just like your pushy mom, we're busy sizing up who is good enough for you and bumping the rest off the radar -- doctors, journos, models, IT geeks -- why, if you're really lucky, your partner may have no job at all!
As for the crankypants who keep coming back with 'you don't know what you're talking about' and 'stereotyping is wrong', we say sue us. We could get our GP to find your funnybone and then club you over the head with it, but he's been in a huff ever since that 'dating doctors' piece got published a couple of weeks ago.
What's that? You're feeling smug about that little remark because your partner is a legal eagle? Don't!
Because today, today we are going to tackle just that -- The Hazards of Dating a Lawyer! Feel the heat building up? That may well be the fires of hell come to claim you by association (if you didn't like that one, feel free to insert your own lawyer joke here).
1. They can lie with a straight face
We can just read your mind right now -- 'Hmph! What nonsense. My sweetums would never lie to me.'
Hey, we got news for you. Heard of Santa Claus? The Easter Bunny? The tooth fairy? You can add an honest lawyer to that list of mythological creatures!
It's like an unspoken oath, actually, when you don your legal robes, that every statement you make should hold the firm conviction of truth. Only the conviction of truth, mind you, because otherwise all your clients will promptly be convicted (that would be in about, say, 20 years when you take the Indian legal system into consideration).
And that's just the thing -- the most everyday things may sound 100 per cent legit, but you'll never really know.
'I didn't eat the last two khakras, honey, of course I know you need them for your diet."
"Of course I'm taking you to Paris for the honeymoon, I've already booked the tickets!"
"I love you too."
Hee hee hee. That last one may land us up in hell too -- we're just messing with your head (or are we? Hmmm!).
2. Their paraphernalia will take over your life
Leather-bound books, casefiles, laptop, cellphones, formal suits, court ties...you'll probably have to sleep standing up, beside the bookshelf.
When you're sharing your life and your space with a lawyer, there just may be no room left over for you -- your home will begin to resemble one gigantic study. They're always on the go and are usually lugging everything but the kitchen sink along (unless it's key evidence in a case, which means that it will take up temporary residence in the boot of your car).
If you think you're going to be clever and buy him/her a laptop for the endless paperwork, you've got another thing coming -- hard copies are where it's at, so yes, making peace with the clutter goes with the territory.
So we'd suggest that all you OCD-afflicted folks out there steer clear of the legal brigade for fear of a nervous breakdown.
For the more brave-hearted lot, you can always use the leather-bound lawbooks to prop up a leg of your dining table or climb on them to dusts the upper reaches of -- you got it -- the bookshelf!
3. They can argue about anything -- and you'll need evidence to be proved right!
Forget about winning an argument. Evverrr.
See, that's their job. Lawyers take pride in it and you can't prove them wrong. And the icing on the cake will come when you're asked to furnish evidence.
"Honey, you left the toilet seat up again."
"How can you accuse me of that? Did you see me leave it up? Prove it! Where's the evidence? Innocent until proven guilty! Blah blah blah!"
Catch the drift?
And they'll have their say whether you like it or not! You can stuff a pillow over your head, turn over and try to drown that authoritative voice out with headphones, but no leagle eagle worth his/her while is going to clam up before stating every tiny detail regarding the case.
Verdict? You're wrong. Always.
4. They can be very verbose --sometimes in Latin!
'Consensus facit legem.'
'De minimis non curat lex.'
'Corruptisima menwear latex.'
Yeah, okay, we just made that last one up, but we stand by our point. You were none the wiser.
After years studying those fat old books, Latin law terms and what-have-you, lawyers are simply bursting with words and phrases only they know the meaning of. So of course, it's not unusual to bring up one or two in everyday conversation. Or in every conversation.
We call it showing off too, but what can you do about it?
And it's especially embarrassing when your friends turn around and look at you after a particularly fruity conversation with a 'huh?' look on their faces. You can't even explain, because you don't know what the heck that was all about either!
Sic vita est. Such is life.
5. If you break up, prepare to have the pants sued off you!
This has got to be the worst part of a relationship with a lawyer.
In the event that the two of you don't make it in the long haul, they'll do everything they can to make sure and get the house, the dog, the car...let's just say you'll be lucky to be able to get away with a crock pot and some carrots.
The last thing you want is for your legal pitbull to turn on you, but sometimes that's inevitable. And hey, they do it all the time on behalf of their clients, so when it comes to their own lives, you can be sure they'll be pulling out all the stops.
Your surprise visits to the office will be termed 'stalking', your taking over more an inch more of closet space will amount to 'mental trauma and emotional abuse' and your spicy chilly chicken will come under 'attempted homicide by poisoning'.
That should about do it -- we need to wrap things up right here, because there's a summons at the door!