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The dating series: Hazards of wooing a marketing exec!

As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion. Illustrations: Dominic Xavier

We're back!

Yeah, we hear that collective groan, but then you can't shake us till we've completely stomped, kicked and Kung fu-ed your love life into oblivion.

For the uninitiated, this is where we break up the hazards of dating based on vocation -- how refreshing that it has nothing to do with your partner's personality whatsoever, isn't it?

And no, we're not done yet, even if we are seeing to it that journos, models, IT geeks, doctors, lawyers and teachers all die virgins.

Why are we seeing to it? Because as journos we know there's just no hope for us, the models crushed those forever, under their size nine feet; the IT geeks are just plain annoying; our doctor's shiny new Merc looks too flashy next to our go-kart; our lawyer is suing us and we still have nightmares about getting swatted in class by toothless Mrs Sinha.

And next on our list is the pesky 'marketing executive', which is just a fancy ten-dollar word for 'salesman'.

Are you offended? Good, because if you can't take a little light-hearted humour, then that is our intention.

So all you wet hens can go cluck somewhere else, while those who enjoy the mad angles we come up with week after week, here goes: The Hazards of Dating a Marketing Executive!

1. They'll hard-sell their good points to get you interested -- you'll find out the bad stuff much, much later!

We've all come across those oily salesmen who can talk you into buying a pair of roller-skates for your wheelchair-ridden grandma.

Yeah, they're so oily, try to hug 'em and they'll shoot out of your arms like a lubricated banana.

It's called a hard sell and if you're dating a marketing exec, the bad news is that you've fallen for it. The worse news is that you'll find out the downside much, much later!

That silky-smooth hair? It's actually a wig, concealing a silky-smooth pate.

Those sparkling teeth? They go into a glass at night.

The way s/he cuddled your pooch upon meeting him for the first time? That was after popping three anti-allergies when you weren't looking -- Wags will literally be in the doghouse after the wedding.

And while s/he may call your mother 'Ma', her name on the cellphone is actually 'The Ol' Coot'.

Why did you fall for it all? Because you were listening to the hypnotic sound of that voice, instead of holding up a cross and chanting 'Get thee behind me, Satan!'

It's like a bum purchase -- a pretty package to start with, but you only find out it's filled with straw after you pay up.

2. S/he'll be able to talk you into doing practically anything

You'd think everything we just mentioned would be enough to drive away the most lion-hearted lover.

But see, it's not. Because your marketing exec has a tongue so silvery, you can see your reflection in it (you can probably see it in his polished pate too, but let's not go there again, you're probably still getting over the fact that that gorgeous hair was actually detachable).

"Sweetie, I'm so not looking forward to that dinner with my gal pals tonight. You're lucky -- you can unwind at home in your PJs, baby-sit my nephew and just relax."

Sigh. She's heading to the hottest restaurant in town, where she'll discuss you with ten other women and you're going to spend the evening running behind a hyperactive six-year-old who's hellbent on finding out what your sparkling white Italian couch looks like when embellished with a layer of chocolate ice cream.

And just as you're thinking, 'What was I thinking?' she'll swoosh in, complaining about the horrible time she had -- she missed you terribly, snookums, the champagne was flat, she had to make do with prawns because they were all out of lobster and the valet put a small dent in the car.

In comparison, your evening was such a blast, wasn't it? And so you'll be comforting her for the rest of the night!

3. If you're beyond convincing, s/he won't take 'no' for an answer

How many times have you shut the door on a salesman only to hear the bell ring again?

If there's one thing they are, it's persistent. How else do you think they manage to score those huge contracts from important clients at work?

In comparison, what's a little convincing if your partner is on the outs with you?

'It's over, I'm leaving you.'

'We'll discuss it over dinner tonight?'

'No, I don't want to discuss it.'

'You seem to have issues with closure, I'm booking us in for a couples' counselling session.'

'Cant' you just understand that I want to be alone!'

'Really? I'll book tickets to Shimla so the two of us can get away from everyone.'

Good grief, you'd say yes to a marriage proposal only to get out of being nagged about it anymore!

4. S/he'll give the classic sales pitch to all your friends -- they're all potential clients

It's a pleasant surprise when your new partner is eager to meet and hang out with your friends, isn't it?

Uh huh.

Don't be fooled for a minute.

Each of your friends is a prospective customer for anything and everything -- it doesn't matter whether your marketing exec is selling cars, insurance policies or advertising space.

And we all know how people love to be delivered sales pitches at social gatherings, right?

You'll see them trying to look interested, trying to steer the conversation in another direction, trying to give off subtle hints by stealing glances at their watches from time to time -- efforts in futility.

Eventually, they'll start avoiding not only Pitch-a-lot, they'll also start avoiding you by association.

And a few will get so tired of dodging the spiels, they'll do a quick business deal only to get your beau off their backs.

Groan...further encouragement!

5. Their default face is a big, beaming smiley

This is the worst part. Don't laugh or are you crying?

Sorry, it's hard to tell with all those tears.

Coming back to our point, there's really nothing worse than being around someone who grins from ear to ear like a monkey on Prozac all day.

Picture this -- you've had a helluva time at work. Boss sounded you out, deadline is looming, the scale in the restroom shows you've gained another three pounds.

Then you come home to an upbeat, perky face that looks like it's been frozen in a Psycho Sam grin and as for those sparkling teeth, you'd like to put a fist through them. Maybe you can just do it once they're in their glass on the nightstand to avoid confrontation.

In conclusion, we have just one thing to add.

In case you're wondering what makes us experts in this particular dating department, we'll have you know that we're professionally certified and it would do you good to take our advice, because we know what we're talking about. See, we're the experts, not you, and...

Grandma? GRANDMA! GET AWAY FROM THOSE SKATES!