Photographs: Uttam Ghosh
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on December 3 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started with those relationship issues.
Gamer asked, i love a girl who is a divorcee. i believe she also loves me. she is 3 years elder to me. i really love her and wanna marry her but not sure how my parents will react. i love my parents as well as her. please advice what to do.
Love Guru answers, Look, to be absolutely fair, you have to give a person a chance. Which, in this case, is what your parents have to do. The age gap is so small it can hardly make a difference and if her marriage didn't work out, it doesn't mean she is not a nice person. So you need to explain to your parents that while the situation is unfortunate, they should make an effor to get to know her for who she is, instead of going just by her past.
se asked, I am in releation with someone who had 10 year long faild relation with someone,is that possible someone just comeout this much long relation in just one month for me.
Love Guru answers, It may not have been 'just for you', as you put it. There may have been other issues in that relationship and maybe your 'someone' also developed feelings for you in the meantime -- and that put an end to things. It may have been a combined effect. Whatever the reason, your partner is with you now, so you should be happy, right? Don't try to over-analyse the situation.
Pp asked, hi LoveGuru.. i want ur suggestion abt my love ... i used to talk a girl whom i love..she is already committed to other person.but she tells every thing abt him and her feelings abt him and complains abt him. i think she is interested in me but also dont want to breakup with other guy...for sometime i didnt talked with her..thinking not gd abt our relationship. one day i told her that i met a girl and i am approaching that girl...as a lie, frm that day she is asking for her photo.... now i am in dilemma what should i do...
Love Guru answers, Well, you shouldn't have lied, because now it has landed you in a soup! Don't propagate this lie any further -- or it will become ugly. Tell her simply how you feel for her, that you made the girl up to gauge her reaction and that you're sorry it happened. But also, she should make up her mind about you. Either you're just a friend, or otherwise. But if it's otherwise, she cannot have her cake and eat it too -- she will have to break it off with her boyfriend.
ISHA asked, HIIII... i AM IN A RELATION WID THIS GUY FROM THE LAST 5 YEARS WE BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER BUT DUE TO STUPID REASONS END UP FIGHTING EVERY OTHER DAY.. DERE S SOME SORT OF INSECURITY FOR EACH OTHER PLEASE SUGGEST HOW TO TACKLE DIS..??? REAGRDS.., HOPELESS LOVER
Love Guru answers, Stop putting checks on what the other person can do. Simple. You don't tell your partner what to do, he doesn't tell you what to do. Fight off feelings of insecurity and give each other freedom. That way trust will grow and the bickering will end.
parveen asked, my real life i alredy failed in love what to do we r talking each other but he was chatting to other girls what to do
Love Guru answers, Why can't he talk to other girls? Is he not supposed to have friends? Stop being so clingy and be more sure of yourself. That is an attractive trait in a woman -- self-confidence.
sachin asked, I m 33 got divorced after 3 months of my marriage
Love Guru answers, That's not the end of the world, Satish. Look at it this way -- people are sometimes trapped in unhappy marriages for years together. At least you have the chance now to start afresh, so put it behind you. You'll fall in love again, don't lose hope.
S asked, If the flames of previous relationship are still there ,is it inappropriate to help /mix with the person without annoying/disturbing the present relationship.
Love Guru answers, It's impossible to have relations with an ex you still have feelings for and expect it not to have an effect on your present relationship. So you have to make a choice -- stick with the present or then break it off and go back to your ex.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'We love each other, but she takes too much money from me'
prashant asked, i love one person but? but she not tell answer?
Love Guru answers, Maybe she doesn't know you're expecting an answer? You need to ask for one, you know!
ghanshyam asked, i love my wife but problem is that she does not reciprocate physically
Love Guru answers, Talk it out. If you can't talk honestly to your wife, who can you speak to? Ask her why she is uncomfortable getting intimate with you. Trust, understanding and gentleness are required when it comes to such a delicate subject, so make sure you give her that support.
IName asked, Married for 3 years and have 2 kids. Both are happy with each other, but sex is becoming boring!!!! Not able to understand the problem thanks in advance
Love Guru answers, You need to spice things up. Alone time away from the kids, a couples' vacation, sexy lingerie -- it may sound cheesy, but it works!
naresh asked, I love one girl in my gym,we communicate with eachother everyday while in gym and she too responds for the conversation,but how do i know she would be interested for further reationship,or in what way do i advance
Love Guru answers, She already speaks to you. So after chatting her up a few times at the gym, ask her out for coffee after your workout one day. It's pretty simple!
BPS_431@REDIFFMAIL.COM asked, I LOVE ONE LADY, SHE ALSO LOVE TO ME , BUT SHE ASK LOT TIME MONEY FROM ME.SHE TELL TO ME SHE HAVE LOT OF LOAN.
Love Guru answers, It's alright to help out the one you love financially, but not to the point where it becomes an inconvenience for you! If she has a lot of loans, she cannot expect you to pay them off for her -- it's not like she's your wife! Tell her that you can only spare a certain amount towards her and no more -- because you cannot afford it. You have your own finances to look after too.
Chitra asked, I'm a 30-year-old married woman with a three-year-old child. My husband and I are engineers and earn well. We live with our in-laws. My husband who is three years older to me treats me like a child. He is always dictating things and does not allow me to take independent decisions. He shouts at me if I don't listen to him. Of late, I have been dreaming about reuniting with my ex-boyfriend. In my dream I see him as my rescuer and one who takes me away from misery. I know this is not right. Please advise.
Love Guru answers, He may treat you like a child, Chitra, but are you one? Why are you tolerating it? You are 30 years old, you're a career woman, wife and mother. So you should plainly tell your husband that you're an adult and expect him to treat you like one. You are free to make your own decisions when it comes to certain things and his curbing you is putting a strain on the marriage. If he still doesn't change his ways, you may want to drive the point home by distancing yourself from him for a little while. Don't be bullied.
es asked, I know a girl and she used to talks about love.. but I feel her motive sex.. should I contiue my realtion with her
Love Guru answers, Love and sex are a mixed bag. What's the problem here -- you don't want to have sex with her? if so, respond directly to her hints and tell her you're not interested. Although if you aren't, I'm wondering why you're in the relationship in the first place!
love84 asked, hi love guru, i am a decent looking urban male of 25 years.. i hav had a few broken relationships and i feel i have a commitment phobia..off late i want 2 be in a relationship but it doesnt work out at all.. i feel i will die a bachelor..please suggest
Love Guru answers, More than a commitment phobia, it sounds to me that you keep getting into relationships far too quickly and then inevitably, they don't work out. Don't be in such a hurry. Take things slowly with each girl you meet, so that enough time passes for you to know whether you want a longterm relationship from her or not.
'My best friend is gay and loves me, how to make him understand?'
radha asked, i am in love with a person who is absolutely different than me we are poles apart . . will things work out with us
Love Guru answers, Sometimes opposites attract. The point is to accept that the person has a contrasting personality and accept him/ her for who he/ she is. If you start trying to change your partner's personality, that's where the problem starts. If you don't, there should be no problem. Mind you, though, both partners have to encourage this attitude, not just one.
j asked, i m 26 yeras old man and a guy who i am a close friend hs expressed his love for me. i want to help him overcome his homosexual feelings. is it possible?
Love Guru answers, you want him to overcome his homosexual feelings towards you, or you want him to stop being a homosexual? The first is possible, the second is not. You can explain to him that you're straight, unfortunately and are attracted to women. While you will always be his friend, he cannot hope for more, so it is best he find a person of the same sexual orientation as himself.
Rajesh asked, Hi Loveguru...iam not in to any love...but i am searching for a girl to get married...i have seen a girl recently. I liked her a lot, but the only concern is her height...my height is 5.3 and hers is 4.9...does really height matters...friends say...you shud look for girl who is atleast 5 ft...pls suggest me..
Love Guru answers, What rubbish! So her height falls 2-3 inches short. You'd rather have a girl whose personality falls short instead? Stop listening to the stupid advice of your friends and go with your instincts. And may I remind you, with your height of 5'3", which is far below the average height of a male, you may come across a lot of women who may reject you for the same reason!
sagargts asked, i am in love with my childwood friend from past 4 years.my girl friend parents making urgent in marriage..but my parents are not ready for this marriage theire side is ok with this marriage...i am just 21..what to do ..i am in confusion..
Love Guru answers, I think you're a little young to get hitched in such a hurry. You can explain to her parents that your intentions are honourable, but you want to be well-settled before you marry and also need a little time to convince your parents. In the meantime, you need to try your best to get your folks to accept this match.
jiya asked, i love a guy. he talks 2 many girls bt doesnt like talking me wid even his cousin. i met his cousin once widout informing him. he is angry 4 this. what should i do?
Love Guru answers, Why shouldn't you talk to guys? And why can't you meet his cousin, if he's a friend of yours? Not only is he overly possessive, he's got double standards -- him talking to girls is okay, you talking to guys is not? Don't tolerate such nonsense.
AT asked, I am married for 5 years & have a girl child.Off late my wife has no interest in having sex.My first love is unmarried till date and urges me to have sex.I have a burning desire for sex.Should I proceed
Love Guru answers, First of all, let me tell you that even keeping in contact with an ex who still lusts after you will prove disastrous to your marriage. Cut this woman out of your life or you will make your family very unhappy. And explain to your wife that you have certain urges that need to be satisfied ,at least occasionally. And try spending some alone time with her -- take her out to a fancy dinner, or on vacation. You can have your relatives look after your daughter for a couple of days or even a night, no harm in that.
venkatesh asked, Hi When I married my wife she was fine , now she is becoming very selfish, very stingy and addicted to TV --- It is difficult to convince her as she is also very highly educated infact a Doctorate . Kindly suggest what can be done to reduce her TV addiction
Love Guru answers, Sometimes it's more difficult to convince an intelligent person of a wrongdoing because they tend to think they know it all. You need to explain to her that she should stop centering her life around the idiot box and start giving you and your relationship a little attention, because you feel neglected. Nobody is saying don't watch television, but then things have their limits, don't they?
'He still carries his ex's photo in his wallet'
Kajori asked, We are in the relationship for last seven years through lots of ups and downs, we know we cant marry in future, but still we cant be seperated totally though we have tried a lots of time, he is tremendoulsly moody and we do only those thing which he likes only, mainly I adjust with him everytime and he also admits it,but during last few days it seems to me that may be he is feeling suffocating in it, I ve talked with him, he doesnt want to break it, but says that only I ve to make every adjustment as he doesnt want to realize that may be he also should adjust with me sometimes. I cant understand what to do as I also dont want to leave him. We really love each other a lot. Please advise.
Love Guru answers, You know you're not going to marry this guy. You know that he is a bully who likes to have everything his way. As a person, he is moody. Why are you still in this relationship? Because it's become a habit -- one that will cause a lot of heartbreak when one of you gets married to someone else. And the way things are now, I can predict that it will be him who does that to you. And you will be heartbroken, far worse than if you called it off now. You CAN be separated and you CAN find another guy. Think of a good-looking, funny, charming guy who loves you and makes sacrifices for you. Want him in your life? Then boot out your boyfriend first. That way, you can start looking for Mr Right. And no matter what, don't go back to him. I would suggest cutting off all contact lest you take him back once more in a weak moment. The first couple of months will be hard, but after you gain some objectivity, you will realise that this was really for the best.
raviin asked, Hi Love guru, I am 29 i am alright till last one year i was completely it happened in bus journey the person sitting beside me has done soemthing to me which i can't specify here from that momment i was getting attracted to males and want have sex with how can get back controls back cna you guide me
Love Guru answers, Till last year you were attracted to women? If that is the case, you need to realise that what this person did to you can be done by women too! If you've never been attracted to women, it goes without saying that you're gay. If that's the case, I suggest you make peace with the fact because it's who you are.
TINA asked, I LOVE A GUY AND HE TOO LOVES ME. HE IS 7 YEARS ELDER TO ME & WE ARE FRIM A DIFFERENT RELIGION TOO.PREVIOUSLY HE USE TO LOVE ONE GIRL & B'COZ OF SOME FAMILY PROBLEM SHE GOT MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.FROM DAY ONE HE TOLD ME HE WILL NEVER MARRY ME.SOME MONTHS BEFORE HE WAS IN PROBLEM & HE TOLD ME TO BREAK OFF.THE PROBLEM WAS NOT BETWEEN US BUT B'COZ OF FAMILY MATTERS.HE STILL HAS HIS X-GIRLFRIEND'S PHOTO IN HID PURSE & HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING.I WANT TO KNOW DO HE REALLY LOVES ME.BUT I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH.
Love Guru answers, Tina, I think he's still hung up on his ex. And he's said he's not going to marry you, so stop pursuing it. You may love him, but to him you're only a convenience, to be disposed of when he sees fit. If he realises he has a future with you, he will come back to you. If not, you're better off because this way you're just being used. And you deserve better.
tarun asked, I m father of only child 13 yrs, left by his mother & got married to my office freind also had child.Last 5 yeras his mother do not contact him, even I did not go for 2nd marriage considering my child future.I m only member of my family,who taking care of my child daily need & education.Preasently feeling very lonely & my chile also suggest for going marrage.Is could be better marrage with issue or with out considering my child better future or no marraid will be best option to my child future? please reply.
Love Guru answers, Your child is 13 and he too has suggested you get married. If you're looking for companionship too, go ahead with it. And as for children, that's a joint decision couples make -- you need to clarify whether you want kids or not with the woman you're interested in. You just need to make sure that the person you marry will accept your son and love him like her own. And if she has children too, you have to do the same for them.
pepsikumar asked, I want to know - whether Live-In relationships can be loyal and ever-lasting or not ?
Love Guru answers, Why not? Do you necessarily need a piece of paper that is legally binding to be a loyal, committed person? No. Those are feelings and they have nothing to do with legalities.
suman asked, Hi LG, My pro. is ticky. I and my b/f is in 1 year relas/p . He is lees educa. ,lees earner than me.belong to low society I am management graduate,in good position and earning good. He never support me and want make me to sit in home after marrage.but i donot want to sit after marrage . Whenever i want to try something good innovative change in me for furthure progress he always try to discourage me. Many times i told him to try a new good but he never do it. he never try to come out of his shell. Due to this he is not intrested to make me do new things for further progress. we have phys.relat.from 6 months. I am ambitious, want to make some positoins in life. But he never supports me. what to do? Shall we go for marrage but my parents oppose this match as he belong to low caste and lees educated, lees earner. What about my dreams of doing big in life or does it remain a dream.? Shall I go for him, or for my parnts wishes. Tell me . Ur only who can help me in this situation.
Love Guru answers, It's not that your boyfriend is not well-off or well-educated -- it's that he has old-fashioned ideas and is not ambitious. I don't think you will be happy living life his way and he will only turn around and tell you that you knew he was like this before you married him. I think you have a bright future and if you're career-minded, you should pursue it. Why else have you studied all these years? To sit at home because your husband tells you to? Break it off, Suman. I don't think you both are compatible.
Love Guru says, That's all for today, folks! Catch you next Thursday, same time, same place! Till then, take care and all the best!
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